Please, Finalize your Zombie Attack Plan

Briar's Blargle

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Please, Finalize your Zombie Attack Plan
May 7, 2009 at 2:54 PM
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- briarraindancer
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Because the zombies are coming! No, I'm serious. They'll be here... Any. Day. Now.

From the BBC:

EU quarantines London in flu panic

An airline passenger wearing a protective face mask arrives at Gatwick Airport, south of London, on a flight from Cancun in Mexico, 30 April.

The EU is considering a travel advisory for Mexico

There has been a small outbreak of "zombism" in London due to mutation of the H1N1 virus into new strain: H1Z1.

Similar to a scare originally found in Cambodia back in 2005, victims of a new strain of the swine flu virus H1N1 have been reported in London.

After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it's victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during "resurrection."

The World Health Organization (WHO) has raised the alert to phase six, its highest level, and advised governments to activate pandemic contingency plans.

In Mexico, the epicentre of the outbreak, President Felipe Calderon urged people to stay at home over the next five days.

CONFIRMED CASES

Mexico: 168 suspected deaths - eight confirmed - 12 zombies

US: one death, at least 91 confirmed cases

New Zealand: 13 confirmed cases

Canada: 19 confirmed cases

UK: 5 confirmed cases

Spain: 10 confirmed cases

Germany: 3 confirmed cases

Israel, Costa Rica: 2 confirmed cases each

The Netherland, Switzerland, Austria, Peru: 1 confirmed case each

There are many cases elsewhere - including the US, Canada, Latin America, Europe, Israel, and New Zealand.

BBC health correspondent Mark McGrith says the raising of the WHO alert on Wednesday suggests a global epidemic, or pandemic, is imminent.

In the latest developments:

The Netherlands confirms its first case of zombie swine flu, in a three-year-old boy recently returned from Mexico. After passing away early this morning, he rose from the dead and lunged at his mother.
Ghana has become the latest country to ban pork imports as a precaution against swine flu, though no cases have been found in the West African country
China's health minister says that the country's scientists have developed a "sensitive and fast" test for spotting swine flu in conjunction with US scientists and the WHO. The country has recorded no incidence of the flu yet. There methods, however, have been uneffective in spotting the H1Z1 strain.

At the meeting of health ministers in Luxembourg, a French proposal for a continent-wide travel advisory for Mexico will be discussed.

It is unclear whether the EU executive has the power to impose a travel ban.

Several countries have restricted travel to Mexico and many tour operators have cancelled holidays.

Other members are resisting calls to implement travel bans or close borders, on the grounds - backed by the WHO - that there is little evidence of their efficacy.

The EU ministers will also try to agree on how to refer to the new virus.

The European Commission has been calling it "novel flu", replacing the word "swine" to avoid prompting a fall in demand for pork and bacon.

On Wednesday, Egypt began a mass slaughter of its pigs - even though the WHO says the virus was now being transmitted from human to human.

Do you believe me now? Having a Zombie Attack Plan (ZAP) is one of the responsibilities you assume when you become a mother. I thought everyone knew that.

But... on the off chance that you are a horrible mother, I'd like to give you a chance to better yourself. Some thoughts then, on implementing a ZAP of your own.

Machetes are your friend. You'll never run out of bullets, and you'll get the satisfaction of some good old fashioned blood lust. (But please be careful that you don't slip in all that gore.)
The mall may seem like a good place to hide out, but trust me, it's not. Even zombies have fashion sense.
Travel lightly. Zombies will eat you, not the produce available at a roadside stand. Therefore, said produce is available to YOU.
Don't stray too far from civilization. If the zombie attack is brought under control quickly, you'll surely look foolish if you were planning for the end of the world.
Conversely, plan for the end of the world. You'll surely be foolish if you don't.
Travel at night if you must, and for the love of god, don't steal a car. You won't get far. Instead, opt for the easily maneuverable (but loud) motorcycle, or the quieter (and slower) bicycle.

And, to see if you've been paying attention, a pop quiz:

Your sister appears to have a nasty bite. What do you do?
When you receive word that the zombies have arrived, do you: secure a safe place to hide, or look for your loved ones first?
You get word that the government is going to nuke the city. What's your response?

Some final thoughts: be vigilant! Update your ZAP regularly. Your survival is dependent on your ability to adapt, so don't get too stuck with a certain escape plan if it doesn't work out. And on that note, be sure you have contingency plans. Nothing is more frustrating than arriving at your pub of choice, only to find it occupied.

And finally, do the rest of us a favor. Go to one of these websites, here or here, to determine if you are infected with the swine flu.

If you are, please... do the right thing. Kill yourself now.

Source material includes:

The Zombie Survival Guide

Shaun of the Dead

Anything written, directed or produced by George Romero

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