How do I explain that I want to be happy, but it's hard

[ch112752]

I have had a truly fucked up life. Yes, I understand that we all have but trust me, I HAVE. I was sexually abused as a child by at least 6 different people. So many people did things to me that I thought it was normal and had no choice. I would never dream of telling my parents. Later in my childhood, they joined the abusers and that really set me back.

I was a very affectionate child. I always wanted to sit on someone's lap and be held. I'm still affectionate. Hard to understand considering my background.

My brother and sister were put into foster homes and I was the only one left at home to take the abuse. I often wondered what was wrong with me, why did I not get the chance to go to a happy foster family?

I've contemplated suicide but I know it's wrong really would never do it. I've been married twice. My current husband is the greatest man in the world. I fell in love with him when I was 15 but it took us 12 years to get together. He really does try to put up with my moods. I'm needy. I hate when he finds fixing up a car or motorcycle more fun than being with me. Does he not understand that I'd be happier if he spent more time with me?

Twice I've tried therapy. The first time it worked great but I stopped going when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and needed me more frequently as I was her health care surrogate. She had 3 daughters and a son. The son lived in PA and died while she was sick, but she did not want her any of her daughters to serve as they could not get along and she knew I'd tell them to go fly a kite and follow her wishes.

Over 10 years ago, in a bid to feel loved, I embezzled money from my boss to buy my family things and keep them happy. I confessed and was on probation, making restitution. 2 years after my grandmother died, my cousin's wife got a stick up her ass and convinced her husband to file charges against me for using a gas card too often. I was his office manager and went out of my way to keep everything above board so I'd never be accused again. Well, once your on probation you are considered guilty until proven innocent and spent 150 days in jail. I went through discovery with a fine tooth comb finding every mistake and detail to prove my innocence. My atty. told me when we met that I could do 3 years in state prison for being arrested again so when he came to me after 101 days in jail with the offer of 6 months for both charges if I pled guilty, I took it. I regret it every day. However, my trial was still months away and could have been postponed indefinitely. I missed my kids and husband and just wanted to go home, so I took the deal and ran with it. Now I have 2 felony convictions and I hate myself for them. I was handling the one I did, but I can't handle the one I was innocent of. I'm not sure if it's because I lost my extended family or if it's because I have a false conviction on my record.

I questioned the state of my marriage in the months leading up to my arrest. I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor begging God to lead to me leave or stay. I felt his presence and went back to our marital bed. My husband never faltered in his support of me while I was away. Many women in jail with me wondered where their man and kids were. I never had to. He came to see me every week except the week he lost his ID. He always made sure I had money for snacks and toiletries and took my calls.  He single handedly took care of our son which was not an easy task as he got several calls a week from school about my son's behavior. My mom helped at first, but after a few weeks, she stopped writing me and stopped helping. Did she support me? Yes. But her self needs came first.

Once out of jail, we moved to Pennsylvania to my husband's hometown. His family has been more supportive of me than I could ever ask. They never questioned my innocence and opened their arms to me. His sister is a full fledged bitch though. She has done things to my son which I can't forgive. My son is not perfect like hers. He has oppositional defiance disorder and she does not understand it.  So now we don't associate with her. I tried to be nice at Easter but she was making snide comments behind my back so I figure FUCK HER. If I can live without my family, I can live without her. My husband was never close to her and chooses his wife and son over her. His mom told him on our wedding day that me and my daughter were his family now and he needed to stand beside us first.

So now, I'm in another state with no friends. I have family here but can't seem to connect and meet up with them. I've been here 1 1/2 years and have not seen one family member. It hurts and makes me want to cry. I know my aunt knows what's going on and chooses not to take sides. But, my cousins on my dad's side know nothing and they don't seem to want to get to know me.

I joined this site in hopes of connecting with other moms and make friends who I could talk to, have a cup of coffee or lunch with, or maybe head over to Target to wander around. So far, I've had no final responses.

I think if I made friends I'd be happier. I tried counseling but my husband switched jobs and we lost insurance. I had friends in Florida who I could join for lunch at Olive Garden or wander the mall with, or even pop in on and talk while our kids played.

I wonder what is wrong with me? I'm a college educated, warm hearted woman. I want to be happy, but I'm finding it hard when I sit at home with an argumentative 10 year old all day.

[mirit.rose]

May. 8, 2009 at 1:25 PM

gosh captivating.... i live sevrls states away but on this site your not alone... you have found a comfort zone of people that won't judge,,, some might,,, but  I won't! pick up a hobby for your time there scrapbook,, join a group of some sort meet people n your area... be freindly,,, and about family ,,, what can you do,,, i don't know my father and it hurts evryday thinking ,,doesn't he care,, but after 25 yrs and my mom did a good job.... you say fuck it, maybe one day....don't hold your breathe... best of luck

[ch112752]

May. 8, 2009 at 2:21 PM

I do scrapbook with my husband. Maybe I should find a group that scrapbooks. That is one of the things I did with my friends in Florida. One friend was a Creative Memory Consultant so we often went to her house for parties. Thanks for the support.

(Original Poster)

[em9x]

May. 8, 2009 at 3:27 PM

i think you are a strong women. ive been through a lot that i wont ever forget but i always believe you go through it for a reason. its also made me not judge anyone if i dont know them. family and friends that judge and wont give the time of day are just ignorant and its there loss. i live in MA and have no friends but my boyfriend i understand how you feel im alone with an 8 month old everyday sometimes i feel like im going crazy lol.. what i try to do is get out as much as i can meet new people, theres tons of people in similar situations even whem you feel completely alone