day 2

[LuckyClown]

Ok First- I didn't have a whole lot of at home time yesterday. I took Krista to school then went to get my hair done, it is a wonderful shade of red by the way. Then after dropping Faith off at school I went out to NKU to drop off my portfolio and have the head honcho look over it. That is done and now all I have to do is walk on saturday. YAY FOR GRADUATION! By the time I got home i spent a little bit of time putting laundry away and then made dinner. My husband had to take an ASE certification test for his work so I made sure dinner was ready when he got home (very domestic diva of me I know).

After that Mamaw asked if my girls could spend the night with her so I took them over and spent a little while chatting with mamaw. I stopped by the store and picked up some milk and cereal, and was depressed when I couldn't find a coffee maker at Kroger, mine broke... sigh.. I am writing on no coffee right now, there is my excuse.

So I watched Bones and was thoroughly amused, and cuddled with my hubby before cuddling in my nice comfy bed. I washed my sheets and a lighter summer blanky on Tuesday so my bed smells really good right now.

I woke up at 2:30 as usual, usually because I have to go potty, but this time i awoke from a dream. A very odd dream that wasn't a nightmare persay but it was uncomfortable. First I was applying for a job at a restuarant, something like a Frisch's but not very clean. One of my students was working there and they would not give me a job no matter what. I was very upset, and so left. I went to this house. And in the first floor were all of these children, they were sleeping and were adorable all snuggled in their blankies. Well I was walking around them and checking out the house and I guess it was my job to clean the house. For some reason I wanted to quit the job but the Mother of the children would not let me. She chased me up the stairs (the house was very- dirty- like dirt accumulated over many years of disuse) and I opened one door and it led to a three story drop to the ground. I ran again and ended up on a roof, and this is where I was "apprehended" and realized I had no choice.

Then I woke up-

Know what i have my own opinions regarding what this dream represented- I have a lot of fears and feelings of inadequacies, most prominent that I fear even though I have a college degree I still am unable to provide for my family on a financial level. I fear that even though I have a four year degree the only job I'll be able to get will be on the level with the children i once taught in my student teaching. Scary concept after all that work and money.

The second part is my new "job" as stay at home mom. Even if I did get a job in the field I would be off over the summer so this is my official job, and I am running from it. It is not about running from the children because when i stopped to look at them sleeping I felt nothing but love for them (the ones in my dream were not my own). But the "employee minded" part of me is running from the "mommy" part of me. There is really nowhere to run, I have the responsibility to fix and keep this house which needs a LOT of work (now my real house is only one story and not near as messy as the one in my dream)

I want to run from this responsibility by finding a job out of the home i think, and the glass door with the three story drop represents the fact that finding outside work is simply not possible right now.

Yeah I couldn't get to sleep for a while after this dream and that is when I deciphered it. There was my yesterday.

Today I am on NO coffee and the main parts of my house are clean so I guess all that's left to do is get into the bedrooms, which are my least favorite part of any cleaning...my mom could vouch for me there... I think I will focus on just the clothes for now and go from there.