To my (soon to be ex-) sister-in-law

[jsbenkert]

I wish I could say these things to you directly, but I know from experience that it would never work.  That is because, while your favorite topic of conversation is you, this is not about you being a victim.  It is about you taking some responsibility for yourself and your own actions for once.  You, the Perpetual Victim, don't want to hear that you might be responsible for some things in your life.

In the seventeen years that I have known you, you have regaled me with stories of all of the obstacles you have had to overcome in your dysfunctional life.  About how you were kicked out of your mother's house and put in foster care as a teenager.  About the verbal abuse you suffered.  About your medical problems.  About how in each and every job you've ever had, someone else caused you to lose it.  About how awful my brother was to you.  About how awful my parents have been to you.  For all I know, you have had stories to tell others about how awful I've been to you.

Let me clear a few things up for you.  I have always had your back.  I have listened to your complaints with sympathy, rarely letting my annoyance at the one-sided conversations get to me.  I could probably count on one hand the number of times you've shown any interest in my family or my children or anyone else.  All of our conversations have been about you.

You told me your version of how your marriage broke up.  It was very dramatic, and once again, you were the victim.  You said that you had expressed to my brother that you have been unhappy for so long and wanted him to do something to make things better.  You had my sympathy.  I was feeling very unloving feelings toward my brother because of the stories you told.  You failed to mention that the reason he stayed out of the house as much as he did was because all you would do is complain, from the very first moment you saw him until lights-out.  You would complain about your job.  You would complain about his job.  You would complain about your co-workers.  You would complain about your finances.  You would complain about the house, my parents, your vehicles, his friends.  That, my friend, is called nagging, and no one likes it. 

You also failed to mention your penchant for gambling or explain that that is the reason why my brother put money in a "rainy-day" fund without giving you access.  You had racked up thousands of dollars in bills in Vegas and at the casinos in your area.  You hid credit bills from him.  You had to take out a second mortgage on the house because of your habits.  But you were full of self-pity when you claimed that my brother was keeping all this money from you in a seemingly controlling way.  You were driving your family into debt, yet you were the victim.

Years ago, I was grateful to you for being instrumental in getting my brother into rehab to stop his drinking.  I really looked up to you and admired your strength.  I believed that you really had the best interest of your family at heart. 

But then, a couple of years later, you had an affair.  It tore my brother apart.  You didn't know that I knew about that, did you?  He called me because he was in such pain.  Can you imagine how hurt he must have been to call his sister and admit that his wife was having an affair?  Then after he gave you an ultimatum and you stopped seeing that guy (mainly because he moved out of town, but whatever), you began partying.  He told me the story of the time that your friends rented a limo and pulled up in front of your house wanting to party.  You goaded and guilted my brother into having drinks with you and your friends, knowing full well that it was the worst thing an alcoholic could do.  Sure, ultimately it was his decision to have that first drink, but you must assume some responsibility as his loving wife. 

You didn't know that I knew about these did you?  I've kept these things secret out of respect for both my brother and you.  It was because I didn't want to embarass you that I never told you that I knew these things.  I never let them affect how I felt about you or how I treated you.  I wanted us to be close--like sisters.  I always wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.  I wanted to believe that people could make mistakes and learn from them, and that you were family.  As family, I wanted to trust you.  I wanted to believe the best about you, sadly sometimes at the expense of my own brother.

Now my brother has started drinking heavily again.  We don't know how much because as an alcoholic, we can't depend on the word of my brother.  Unfortunately, we can't rely on your word, either, since you always have an agenda to be seen as the victim.  The night that you called my parents to tell (more like gloat to) them that he had been drinking to the point of passing out, and that you had picked up the kids from his house, you never checked on him.  You never sent anyone to check on him.  For all you knew, he could have been lying there dead from alcohol poisoning.  You claim to love him still, but couldn't be bothered to have anyone check to see if he was okay.

When you told me about his drinking, you failed to mention that you were drinking right along side him.  Remember that story about when your son was left at the baseball fields after a Little League game because my brother had forgotten him?  That was an awful story, and I was so angry at my brother when you told me about it.  You left out an important detail.  That you left with my brother and were just as inebriated as he was.  Know what that makes you?  A codependent and an enabler. 

You were recently diagnosed with emphysema--at much too young an age, I might add.  This is a disease that usually strikes the elderly.  You are just 40.  Yet you refuse to quit smoking.  You'd rather continue with your habit and be the victim of a horrible disease than suffer the pains of withdrawal for any period of time.  You'd rather let your children watch you struggle for every breath in a few years than take steps now to stop the progression of the disease.

For all the birthdays and Christmases that I'd sent gifts to my niece and nephew, never once did I receive a "thank you" or any sort of acknowledgement that you'd received the gifts.  Except for that one time that I sent a birthday present to my nephew a few weeks after I'd given birth to my first child.  And the only reason you called was to tell me that, in my post-partum haze, I'd written the name of my other nephew on the card by mistake.

You set my brother up to fail and you relish in the fact that he has.  You have told anyone who will listen that he was terrible to you and that he kicked you out of the house when we all know, as do you, that that was not how it all happened.  You chose to leave, and not for the reasons you gave me.  You left because it was your way of proving to the world that you are the penultimate victim.  By leaving and declaring yourself "homeless", you hoped to gain the most sympathy.  And it seemed to have worked for a while.  You didn't have to leave all of your clothes behind, you had the opportunity to take them with you.  If you were in such danger that you didn't have time to gather any of your personal belongings, then why didn't you take the children with you?  If it wasn't safe for you, did you think it would be safe for the kids?  The simple answer is that you were never in any danger.  My brother is not, and never has been, violent.  That is why I now question the story you gave me.  But you are now finding that people who at first gave you sympathy are no longer there for you--and that is because your story has worn thin.  People are beginning to realize that you are playing them as you played me all these years.

It's time you faced up to your own problems and quit blaming everyone else for what is wrong with your life.  You love drama.  You love playing the victim so much that you will set things up so that you can always come out the underdog, forever misunderstood and in pain.  You are selfish and self-serving.  You care only about yourself and how things affect you.  You never show any interest in any one else, never seem to want to consider another perspective.  You are an enabler.  You are a co-dependent. 

I think you need to seek the services of a therapist--my guess is that you are bi-polar, manic depressive, or have some other personality disorder.  You need help.  You do not need to play the victim card.  You need to sort out your own problems and quit blaming others.  You need to do this for yourself and for your kids.  I'd like to be there for you.  But I just don't trust you anymore.  If you get help, I'd be there for you again.  In the meantime, I want to be there for my niece and nephew whom I love dearly, but I can't stand being played by you anymore.  I can't take the drama anymore.  But don't let the kids suffer by cutting the rest of my brother's family out of their lives the way you've done in the past.  It's not fair to them.  Just get help and, to use a much worn out phrase, stop the insanity!

This is what I'd like to be able to say to my sister-in-law (soon to be ex), but if I were to say anything like this to her, she would cut me out of my niece's and nephew's lives.  I want to be here for them because they need some stability and to know that they will always have some family to lean on.  I just needed to get this out to get some perspective--to vent.  I'm very angry with her and feel helpless in the whole situation. 

[Mackenzie40]

May. 10, 2009 at 8:22 PM

sounds like she may also be an alcoholic. I think you are right in the end that she needs help. I hope ( for the kids and family) she gets it. (((Hugs))) sorry your worried about all this and you put yourself "out there" with her and got hurt..

[MSugarKane]

May. 10, 2009 at 8:58 PM

Some people you just can't 'fix' , but your caring enough and mature enough to know how to keep your relationship with your neice's and nephews lives. That is more important for them to see some sort of normal from time to time. They will get a good influence from you over the years.  I am proud of you. Your a really good person.  Happy Mothers Day!

[0Jenna0]

May. 10, 2009 at 10:24 PM

Wow, she sounds interesting. I hope things work out for your brother and his kids. I'm sorry she hurt you (and them) so much.

[jsbenkert]

May. 11, 2009 at 9:45 AM

Thanks for your comments. 

I had a talk with my parents earlier in the day (in what began as a "Happy Mother's Day" phone call) and some of these things came up.  They wore on me all day long and I had to do something to release the feelings.  The purpose for me writing this was to prevent me from actually saying these things to my SIL.  I think she really needs to hear them, but she tends to be a vindictive person who would look for a way to punish anyone who pointed these things out to her.

Honestly, she scares me with her feelings of persecution.  She actually told her kids that they (my SIL and the kids) were the prey and my parents and brother were the predators.  That is frightening.

I wish I knew of a constructive way to deal with this and help them, but for now I just feel helpless.  To add to the difficulties, we live in different parts of the country, so we add physical distance to the problem.

(Original Poster)

[RhiannonHunt]

May. 11, 2009 at 10:17 AM

I totally understand why you did this, I think I need to start one.  I have a couple of family members  I need to do this about!  Good luck with everything!  I just keep telling myself that the truth eventually comes out, even if it takes awhile! 

[logansmomma2007]

May. 11, 2009 at 11:43 AM

It sounds like a big mess.  I know that it probably feels good to get it all out. 

I find people peculiar at times.  Two people could go through the same experience and come out with totally different perspectives.  She very well could have turned her life around and used her childhood as a way to motivate her to live a better life.  Unfortunately she chose to use her experiences as a way to get sympathy for her bad decisions.  I am sorry your brother is suffering from all this.

[lovegigi]

May. 11, 2009 at 4:51 PM

 yeah some people cant get fixed mostly cause they are too busy thinking about themselves. I always say there's a lot of women who shouldn't have kids and shes def one of them. I'm sorry ur brother had to meet such a horrible partner and I hope he can get through this. I'm sure he will, for his kids and let him know not all women are like that. best of luck to u and ur fam...