Cant help but worry after getting my cerclage

[banneyrooster]

    I went in for my 2nd trimester U/S and they determined my cervix is short.  It was only a 2.1.  So I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.  This was May 5th.  At this time I was 19 weeks and 3 days.  Based on my history with my last pregnancy which I am sure ended now because of an incompetent cervix, they decided that a clerage was my best option.  If not then most likely I would lose this baby the same as I did Payton.  They sent me on over to the hospital and with an couple hours it was time for the surgery!  I really wasnt expecting things to move along that fast but I am glad it did. In my opinion the sooner the better!

   The clerage went great.  I had a spinal cause they didnt want to put me to sleep saying they wanted the baby to get as less meds as possible.  It worked really good.  I didnt feel anything other than some touching.  A little pull here and there but that is it.  No pain at all.  It lasted maybe 20 minutes or so.  Afterwards the doctor told me everything went fine and he would talk to me more in recovery. 

  When the doctor came in to talk to me he told me that the clerage doesnt actually "fix" the problem that its more like a helper.  He said he suggested modified bedrest, no lifting nothing I couldnt pick up with one hand, and no sex.  He wasnt my doctor just the doctor that was on call for my doctors office at time the surgery was scheduled.  He said all doctors vary on their opinions on what to do after a clerage but this was his advice.  He said I might have some bleeding for a day or two but that was normal after this procedure which I didnt have!  He said I might have some cramps, which I didnt have.  I went home shortly after that when my feeling came back into my legs and I was able to walk to the bathroom and pee. 

  I went straight home and layed down.  I pretty much was scared to get up not actually knowing what to expect.  But I knew I needed to take it easy for the rest of the day and at least the next day.  Well, on the 3rd day after the clerage I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed some brownish like discharge in my underware.  I wiped and there were more on the toilet paper.  I wiped again and there was alittle more.  this time a little mucousy.  (sorry if to much info)  But after a couple wipes it was gone.  I went ahead and called the doctor to be on the safe side.  At first the nurse called me back saying that it was most likely old blood just coming out.  As I started to ask her more and more questions, about the clerage in general and about the bedrest and what the doctor suggested, such as modified bedrest,  she said she didnt understand why I would have to be on bedrest because of a clerage not unless the doctor said just a a day or two after the clerage only.  I was like thats not what he said to me.  What he said to me was more like weeks.  At least until the baby was viable.  Aprox. 24-25 weeks.  She said she would talk to "my" doctor and call me back.

  About an hour later she called back.  She said that the doctor said I didnt have to be on "bedrest" just dont do as much as I normally would.  No heavy lifting, no excessive walking, like a treadmill or track, no sex right now, maybe later, but basically I could go back to a normal routine.  As I seen right then the doctor that done my clerage was right.  Every doctor differs on their opinion on this!  The way she pretty much talked was like it was fine.  All would be fine.  I wish I could have an outlook on it like she does.  Although its not her or her baby so she doesnt understand anyway. 

   Its now been 6 days since the clerage and I am doing fine.  I think my biggest problem is WORRYING!  I just cant stop worrying!  I wake up worrying, worry all day, go to bed worrying, wake up during the middle of the night worrying, its like I thnk of NOTHING but this baby and what "could" go wrong.  I am just so scared.  I cant be happy or excited due to worrying!  I have had NO pains, NO pressure, NO cramping, NO bleeding, NO cramping,  NO contractions, (none I know of anyway) and STILL I cant think positive cause I am to busy worrying!! 

  I try to think of all the positive, such as how everything happened. How I got the clerage, and how fast I got it.  How I had no complications during the surgery, how I had NO complications AFTER the surgery, and how its been 6 days now and still have had NO problems.  Then I think of all the problems that still CAN occur after you get a clerage.  Such as maybe my water breaking.  But then I go to trying to cover up that problem by saying something positive.  Such as, my water has never broke preterm before so why would it now?  Still knowing it could I try to mask the risk with something positive.  Or I will go to thinking what if contractions start?  Then I cover that up by saying, I never have started contracting before 36 weeks before, why would I start now?  STILL knowing I could I try to think positive yet again.  Another positive thing I think about is my water has never broken naturally without some sort of help.  Such as right after sex or if a doctor ruptures it.  Even with my daughter I lost last year due to incompetent cervix, they had to break my water with her it didnt break on its own.  Just little things like this keep me going another day. Just little things like knowing how my body "usually" does and what it usually doesnt. 

  I think the sad part other than whats going on is that I have set my milestone date for 25 weeks.  Once i get there, where I know the baby has a chance of survival I will feel ALITTLE better.  The thing is, that is June 13th.  That is when I went in the hospital from the complications with Payton.  (the daughter I lost last year)  It will be a "sad" day yet a "happy" day.  Sad because its when I pretty much lost my dd yet its the day my son "could" live!!  Payton was actually born June 14th but only because she was born at 12:40 am in the morning but June 13 is when I went to the hospital with bleeding and when they diagnosed me with everything.  That when I went into labor she just wasnt born right on that day but close.  Either way June 14th, my daughters birthday is the day my son has to make it too! 

   It seems so weird to think I will feel so much better once a month passes.  But then again it seems SO FAR away!  The thing that is funny is I pay our bills monthly such as our car payment.  It seems that I am always paying that car payment! LOL  Like it comes weekly not monthly.  thats how fast a month usually passes.  But with me dying for a month to pass it seems like I havent paid a car payment in years! LOL  Seems like i cant pay my car payment fast enough!   Its like days are weeks and weeks are months and months are years!!

  On a good note the baby is doing great by the u/s.  We fount out we was having a boy and he is growing right along!  Right on track.  The technician that done the u/s was really nice and she took her time to show us everything.  Then she pointed it all out and told us what everything was.  Even though most of it was pretty much explanatory on its on.  She got a really good pic of his leg which shows he upper leg then he has it bent at the knee then it has the foot.  The foot looks so long!!  Even she made a comment about it saying, "look how long that foot is!"  (Jokingly)  Everyone I show the picture to says the same thing too!  

   Even though I was "thinking" I was having a girl a boy is fine!  I "think" we even decided on a name, NICHOLAS MATTHEW.  Not set in stone but its most likely the name.  I liked Elijah Matthew but my husband was like, "I already cant remember how to spell Isaiahs name" LOL (our youngest son)  He always get the A's and I's mixed up, then once we thought about Nicholas Matthew instead he agreed with that name.  The funny thing is, he cant remember how to spell that either!! LOL  All the family agrees with Nicholas and only a majority agreed with Elijah so it most likely will be Nicholas.  I just dont want him nick named "Nick".  Although my 6 year old LOVES that name!  He tells some people his name is Nick and its Preston!  For example the other day I pulled up to pick him up and a little girl says, "is that Nicks mom?"  Right then I knew he had been telling more people his name is Nick.  He is thrilled we are naming the baby Nicholas though.  He says he will call him Nick, which I didnt really want but oh well, I am more focused on him surviving right now! 

   So for now I am gonna just TRY to think about the positive.  No pains, no cramps, no pressure, no contractions, no bleeding, nothing.  Plus, I have never started my contractions early, never had my water break early, and I have the clerage to hold Nicholas in!!  At least until he reaches 38 weeks!  Which is were I really want to make it!  Oh, and tomorrow they are suppose to start my shots.  the 17P shots.  I will be getting those weekly.  Its suppose to help with preterm labor.  Up to 33%.  Not alot but every bit helps!  Each day I am a day closer! 

  So for now all I can do is wait.  The wait is killing me but what else can I do?  I pray to God EVERYDAY to help me through this, I pray he keeps my little baby boy inside until his due date. I know God has a plan other wise He wouldnt have let things happen the way He did.  At least I dont think so anyway.  I am gonna continue to pray and ask for strength and guidance.  Plus I know my little baby girl, Payton, is looking down from Heaven and watching over me and her brother both!  Shes like our gaurdian Angel!  She may even be the saving grace we need!  (Along with God!)

   If anyone reads this and has been through this please message me.  I would like to talk to someone who has been through the same thing and knows what I am going through right now.  Someone who can let me know what to expect.  I have done ALOT of research on the internet but I have not ran up on a story like mine.  One that has had no complications other than short cervix and getting the clerage.  Most say they had started contracting and bleeding and such and that isnt the case with me.  Still they have success stories.  they are more success stories than there are non success ones.  Even if someone has a not successful story its not like their child doesnt make it.  The clerage at least hold the baby in until the baby reaches a survival age.  Like 25-30 weeks.  Some go to 32 weeks and some even OVER their due date.  This is really why I have so many mixed emotions right now and dont know what to expect. 

   I am so ready to be excited about this pregnancy again!  So ready to start buying little boy things! So ready to be happy and not worry so much.  I cant wait till that day! 

[jasonsmommy05]

May. 11, 2009 at 3:03 PM

I know you can't help but worry, but try not to. It's not good for the baby (which i'm sure you already know). I wish you the very best with this baby! I hope that everything goes smooth for the rest of the pregnancy, as well as the delivery! Good Luck with everything!!

[hbarga]

May. 11, 2009 at 9:06 PM

I  know how you feel with Becca i was so worryied the minute i started having problems the Dr put me on bed rest and then they diagnosed me with a blood clotting disorder and started meds i started doing better and my Dr told me i would be ok to resume my life no way i stayed on bed rest until 35 weeks because i could n't bare the thought of losing another child. i thought making it till 25 weeks i would be ok but i wasn't ok until she was born and still now she is 4 months old and i go in her room at night because i am worried she will die she sleeps through the night but the mommy in me has to make sure she is still breathing. if you need to talk about how your feeling let me know  my little boy would have turned one last week sometime had i carried him full term. its hard being pregnant after a loss like we have suffered