personal journal, read if you want

[Lilbeamercomin]

DH and I have sat down and planned on TTC around this time next year. So, that gives me approx. 365 days to :

lose around 60 lbs*

find a proper diet*

learn as much as I can about BFing with hypolastic breasts

find a new OB (for regular well woman care)

find a HB midwife that I like

find a doctor to help with my anxiety

I can do all but * on my own, I have zero will power, and ALWAYS get in my own way. I am hoping determined to do things better this time, both for myself and my future child. When it comes to diet, I know the basics but have a hard time sticking to anything and knowing exactly how much of ___ I am supposed to be getting. I am assuming that since my goal right now is weight loss, that I will need to focus on a diet for that, then once I reach my goal switch to a "maintenance" diet/ generally healthy diet, then ones pregnant switch again to a pregnancy diet.

I have never taken my food seriously. I grew up on whole foods and didn't really realize the benefits of them then. Now at 23 years old, with a family of my own, I am lost. I still find myself reverting back to the bad habits of chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes for dinner. In my defense, my husband is a real stick in the mud about switching to a healthy diet. He'll only eat what he likes, and since I cannot afford to feed everyone different meals, we all end up getting stuck eating what he eats. He wont eat anything that has beans in it - which are my favorite source of protein, nor will he eat most other veggies. He'll eat canned green beans if they are loaded with butter and seasoning. He wont eat anything that he deems "bland" such as baked/grilled chicken, or lightly seasoned anything. I worry about his health probably more than my own. He is pushing 40 and I can only imagine what his colesterol is at - not to mention his blood pressure. I just can't get him to change his ways. I mean I suppose I could just make what I make and force him to deal with it, but c'mon, let's be real, that will never work. I'll be left with a starving, pissed off husband, who works 60 hr. weeks to provide the very food that he wont eat. I can see that going over like a fart in a scuba suit.

Also, I can't really depend on him for support to help me lose weight. He doesn't stand up to me which is what I really need. Again, I stand in my own way, and if someone is just going to let me do that then I'm really screwed. I guess he's worried I'll be pissed at him - which I will (at the time), but it doesn't mean I don't need that. I want to be healthy and have a nice fit body, but I don't want to have to put the work in to get to that point. I know I am NOT the only one who feels this way, but I also know that most women are able to get to that point when they say enough is enough and just do it. I know myself enough to realize that I will just sit here and mope about myself until the day I die rather than find the motivation to do it.

When I really think about it, it makes me feel worse because I realize that currently I am not the best wife and mother that I can be. If my son grows up to be over weight and with health issues, it's on me. If my husband gets so fed up with me always being like this that he gives up and divorces me, it's on me. Why is that not enough for me to snap out of this? How can I possibly not care enough about my family and myself to change? I guess the biggest question is how did I let myself get to this point? I care about everyone's well being, I just don't care enough to change it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Do I need to see a therapist or something?

I want to change. I really, REALLY do. I just don't know where to start. There are so many things about my life that need to change that I don't know how to get the ball rolling. I feel like I need someone to hold my hand through this which makes me feel even worse. It's overwhelming and makes me want to just do nothing. The really sad thing is that I know I will love the life I want to make for myself. I know I will love being one of those women who wakes up early, goes for a run, showers and gets breakfast ready for her family. Just the idea of it makes me feel warm. I love the idea of tidying up the house while the kids are in school and my husband is at work. Having fresh snacks waiting for the kids when they get home, helping with home work, making dinner, and relaxing with the family. That is what I want. How do I achieve that?

I have no routine in my life at all, everything revolves around my 9 month old who is perfectly happy to fight sleep all night long so he can take 10 minute naps during the day and freak out if I don't set every single one of his hundreds of toys on the floor for him. I waited way too long to start any sort of routine with him and man, I'm paying for it. I'm not even talking about a strict routine, just something where he goes to bed around the same time every night - preferably before 3AM, wakes up around the same time every day - preferably before 3PM, and eats his meals around the same time every day. I'm not strict enough about my own routine to give up the "freedom" of not having one to follow his. Wow, that was a jumbled sentence.

Anyway, that's the craziness that is flooding my brain today. I feel a little better getting it all out lol. :o)