7 years ago today on May 19, 2002@ approximately 10:20 pm. I lost my best friend, my love, my confidante, my life. I'm not sure if any of you have read my previous blogs but I'm going to tell my story again anyway. Right now it's the only thing I can think of and I need to focus on something so I don't lose it. You can read it or not but I could really some encouraging words to help me make it through today.

Chris and I fell in love in high school. I fell for him first. He walked into our geometry class wearing this tight white t that showed all his muscle and these huge, bright orange hunting pants. I have never believed in love at first sight until that moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. We started talking everyday and got in trouble for passing notes but it was worth it. I was also 7 months pregnant with another persons child at the time. He thought I was beautiful. Only I didn't know it at the time. He asked me to Junior prom even though I was pregnant and I said yes immediately. Well there were things that happened that prevented him from taking me because he had to move. I was put on bed rest so I didn't know that he'd left. He called me when he got to Minnesota to let me know what happened. I thought I'd never see him again. I was upset and he told me he'd come back if he could. That was the last time I talked to him until...

Fast Forward...

After having Anna, I went back to school and got on with  my life. I walked into the commons after taking Anna to day care and my friend Shalynn came up to me. She grabbed me and said "you won't believe who is back!" I couldn't think of anyone that I knew that had left so I didn't think much about it until she spun me around. "You know who that is, right?" she asked. "Um, no who is it?" I asked her. His back was to me so all I could see was his dirty blond hair and a muscled man with a black t on. "Chrissy, it's Chris! He's back!" My world stood still when he turned around and smiled at me. He walked up and I hugged him and told him I was glad he's back.

Later on that day we figured out we had English together and he sat in front of me. I was ecstatic. We started passing notes in class and I still have most of them to this day. Anyway after a couple months of doing that he asked me out. I said yes. We were together for about 2 weeks. He broke it off with me. I was devastated and unsure as to why. His best friend told me later that day that he did it because the feelings he had for me freaked him out. I was angry but was determined to get him back.

Some friends and I decided we were going to go to this under age club in town. I was going to make him jealous with the help of my friends brother. Chris and his best friend Ben went off to go play pool and some arcade games. Josh and I went dancing and he bought me dinner and flowers. I walked out to my car for my jacket and Ben said the "plan" was working. It was about 11 and the club was closing. I went to get Ben and Chris because Chris rode with my friend and I. He and Ben were in the middle of their air hockey game. Ben looked up at him and said "2 more points and I win." Chris let him make the last two shots to finish the game. Chris turned to me and wrapped me in this huge bear hug and told me "I missed you, come back to me?" I told him "you know I will." That was the day my life really began.

Fast Forward 18 months later...

I go on vacation to Cali. I was there two days and on Monday, May 20, 2002 @ 7:30 am the phone rings. It's my best friend and she's crying. I thought her grandma had passed away because she'd been battling cancer. She tells me "Chrissy, Chris is gone!" I didn't understand what she meant and she beganto explain. The night before he had left a note in his parents mail box and had gone down to the mini mart and called his own house. He told his brother that there was something in the mail box but he'd disguised his voice so his brother didn't know it was him. His mom called the police because it was all during the anthrax scare. They came and found his note. He had also called 9-11 and told them someone had committed suicide at the church. He went to the church and on the ground in direction of the cross he took his own life with a shot gun.

I dropped the phone. I screamed and called his parents. His dad confirmed that what I had been told was true. I tried to called my mom she didn't answer so I called my step dad at work. He tried and couldn't get through. He called a family friend who lived down the street, she broke the news to my mom. I called my grandparents, my boss and his wife, my friends and my dad. By 6 am the next morning I was on a plane home.

Chris' best friend Ben drove home with his girlfriend from Arkansas to be there for the services. I went to see Chris at the funeral home against his dads wishes but I went anyway. I became the strongest woman he'd ever met.  He left me a 7 page letter that I still have and will die with. It's my only link to him. I've have dreams and he's come to me. It's always been sunny when he's there. Every time I see him he tells me he loves me and we'll be together someday soon. We buried him and I reserved the spot next to him. It's still there even though I haven't paid a dime. Thanks to Macy and Sons.

7 years ago today I lost my life and I pray that somewhere in heaven he's watching over me. I had my son 11 months after he left. Riley has Christopher's middle name of Michael which means... Who is like God? In the Bible, Michael was an archangel.

The reason I posted this is because Chris was fighting depression only we didn't know it. He was a soldier, tough, strong, valiant and most of all brave. He told me if it wasn't for me he would have gone years ago. I just pray that even though in the bible it says suicides spend eternity in their own personal hell, I hope he made it to heaven and he's watching me and loving me like he always did.

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May. 19, 2009 at 8:34 AM

aw! i am so sorry you had to go through this. i could only imagine. keep your head up and know that he is always looking out for you! doy you have any pics you can post of him?

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May. 19, 2009 at 7:09 PM

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story made me tear up cuz all i could think of is my husband who i also met in high school and it was love at first sight. I am so sorry. Be strong for your children.

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May. 19, 2009 at 7:21 PM

I don't think that the Bible says that "suicides spend eternity in their own personal hell."  If it does, please  tell me where.  If you believe the Bible you know that God is filled with compassion and mercy.  He will never turn His back on someone who has devoted his life to Him.  I know that some Christians believe that if a person commits suicide they will not get into heaven, but there is no Biblical basis for this belief.

I am so sorry for your loss and your suffering.

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May. 19, 2009 at 10:30 PM

i know he's waiting for you, love. i lost my best friend december 5, 2005 to suicide (although by different means than the one you told about). just stay strong. i bet he's super proud that you have made such a life for yourself. and even without that letter, you'll always remember him. in my personal opinion, they never really leave completely. love is much stronger than that.

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May. 20, 2009 at 12:22 AM

 yes the bible does say in leviticus that if you take your own life that you spend eternially in hell, because you are playing god, and you committed murder youself. but  i know how you feel i lost some friend that were closer than any body to my heart. due to committed suciude and i cried everrytime i think about them, cuz i tired so hard to get her to go to church with me, and she was a close friend we were friend since i was six, and she would tell me i to young to die. then when i got the phone call saying she was gone i cried and cried for days at none stop end and i would do was to tell mine 3 years old son that his aunt blanca had died and that was so hard. cuz her and my son were attached since i had him, in the hospital she was attached to him and vis vr. so i know how it feel only she was a very close friend. and not a boyfriend or a girlfriend in that since.

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May. 20, 2009 at 1:19 AM

He made it to heaven. And i'm sure he loves you and is your guardian angel now. God bless. I hope you find peace.

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May. 20, 2009 at 10:07 AM

I can't get passed rthe lump in my throat to write more than keep on what you are doing momma... he love(d/s) you, and you him. He will always be with you.blowing kisses

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May. 28, 2009 at 7:26 PM

I told you that I would come read your post. It's beautiful.

Thank you for sharing your story. I refuse to believe that he is sitting in his own hell.. his own hell was here on Earth, now he is in heaven feeling no pain and watching you, loving you, and waiting till you meet again.

I am so very sorry.

On a brighter note.. my sisters name is Sealynn... pronounced the same as your friends. :)

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Jun. 18, 2009 at 10:17 PM

Sweetheart, I read your story and it has me in tears. I didn't take the time to read all of the other comments but I PRAY someone has told you this already. NO WHERE IN THE BIBLE does it say that suicides are in their own personal hell. NO WHERE. Don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise, it's simply not true. Jesus died for all of our sins, even if we choose to take our own lives, through our belief in Jesus we are still welcomed into Heaven. There is no such thing as an unforgivable sin, the blood of Jesus saw to that. The truth behind depression and suicide is the voice of Satan....the voice that tells us we aren't good enough, no one loves us and the world would be a better place without us so go ahead and pull the trigger....God knows this voice for what it is even if we ourselves don't. Rest assured that Chris is at peace now and he is healed and made whole and surely DOES smile down at you from Heaven. God bless you and I pray you find a church where someone can teach you the TRUTH. That is an old Catholic belief and a false one at that. I am here for you if you need me.

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Jul. 16, 2009 at 12:32 PM

Alaskan natives we believe spirit doesn't die and they come to visit in dreams. I feel my grandmother with me and I've never met her but have a big pic of her and my grandpa in my living room.  I keep expecting them to move in that picture, haha. I miss her all the time. I have an aunt that passed and I feel her around me, they are on both sides of me by my shoulders feels like I'm always being hugged with tingly feelings.  I have a great grandmother that checks on me in dreams sometimes. She'll just be sitting there and look at me and I'll want to go up to her but I end up going to another room.  My aunt sent me a dream of herself 10 minutes before she passed. She was in a pain coma with morphine and she didn't talk to me. I knew she would come in a dream and she did to leave me with her last words to not forget. She meant everything she had taught me.  So your not crazy and that connection is always there.  There is no death, just  change of worlds, old indian saying.  Life is not seperate from death, just looks that way. 

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