7 years ago today on May 19, 2002@ approximately 10:20 pm. I lost my best friend, my love, my confidante, my life. I'm not sure if any of you have read my previous blogs but I'm going to tell my story again anyway. Right now it's the only thing I can think of and I need to focus on something so I don't lose it. You can read it or not but I could really some encouraging words to help me make it through today.
Chris and I fell in love in high school. I fell for him first. He walked into our geometry class wearing this tight white t that showed all his muscle and these huge, bright orange hunting pants. I have never believed in love at first sight until that moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. We started talking everyday and got in trouble for passing notes but it was worth it. I was also 7 months pregnant with another persons child at the time. He thought I was beautiful. Only I didn't know it at the time. He asked me to Junior prom even though I was pregnant and I said yes immediately. Well there were things that happened that prevented him from taking me because he had to move. I was put on bed rest so I didn't know that he'd left. He called me when he got to Minnesota to let me know what happened. I thought I'd never see him again. I was upset and he told me he'd come back if he could. That was the last time I talked to him until...
After having Anna, I went back to school and got on with my life. I walked into the commons after taking Anna to day care and my friend Shalynn came up to me. She grabbed me and said "you won't believe who is back!" I couldn't think of anyone that I knew that had left so I didn't think much about it until she spun me around. "You know who that is, right?" she asked. "Um, no who is it?" I asked her. His back was to me so all I could see was his dirty blond hair and a muscled man with a black t on. "Chrissy, it's Chris! He's back!" My world stood still when he turned around and smiled at me. He walked up and I hugged him and told him I was glad he's back.
Later on that day we figured out we had English together and he sat in front of me. I was ecstatic. We started passing notes in class and I still have most of them to this day. Anyway after a couple months of doing that he asked me out. I said yes. We were together for about 2 weeks. He broke it off with me. I was devastated and unsure as to why. His best friend told me later that day that he did it because the feelings he had for me freaked him out. I was angry but was determined to get him back.
Some friends and I decided we were going to go to this under age club in town. I was going to make him jealous with the help of my friends brother. Chris and his best friend Ben went off to go play pool and some arcade games. Josh and I went dancing and he bought me dinner and flowers. I walked out to my car for my jacket and Ben said the "plan" was working. It was about 11 and the club was closing. I went to get Ben and Chris because Chris rode with my friend and I. He and Ben were in the middle of their air hockey game. Ben looked up at him and said "2 more points and I win." Chris let him make the last two shots to finish the game. Chris turned to me and wrapped me in this huge bear hug and told me "I missed you, come back to me?" I told him "you know I will." That was the day my life really began.
Fast Forward 18 months later...
I go on vacation to Cali. I was there two days and on Monday, May 20, 2002 @ 7:30 am the phone rings. It's my best friend and she's crying. I thought her grandma had passed away because she'd been battling cancer. She tells me "Chrissy, Chris is gone!" I didn't understand what she meant and she beganto explain. The night before he had left a note in his parents mail box and had gone down to the mini mart and called his own house. He told his brother that there was something in the mail box but he'd disguised his voice so his brother didn't know it was him. His mom called the police because it was all during the anthrax scare. They came and found his note. He had also called 9-11 and told them someone had committed suicide at the church. He went to the church and on the ground in direction of the cross he took his own life with a shot gun.
I dropped the phone. I screamed and called his parents. His dad confirmed that what I had been told was true. I tried to called my mom she didn't answer so I called my step dad at work. He tried and couldn't get through. He called a family friend who lived down the street, she broke the news to my mom. I called my grandparents, my boss and his wife, my friends and my dad. By 6 am the next morning I was on a plane home.
Chris' best friend Ben drove home with his girlfriend from Arkansas to be there for the services. I went to see Chris at the funeral home against his dads wishes but I went anyway. I became the strongest woman he'd ever met. He left me a 7 page letter that I still have and will die with. It's my only link to him. I've have dreams and he's come to me. It's always been sunny when he's there. Every time I see him he tells me he loves me and we'll be together someday soon. We buried him and I reserved the spot next to him. It's still there even though I haven't paid a dime. Thanks to Macy and Sons.
7 years ago today I lost my life and I pray that somewhere in heaven he's watching over me. I had my son 11 months after he left. Riley has Christopher's middle name of Michael which means... Who is like God? In the Bible, Michael was an archangel.
The reason I posted this is because Chris was fighting depression only we didn't know it. He was a soldier, tough, strong, valiant and most of all brave. He told me if it wasn't for me he would have gone years ago. I just pray that even though in the bible it says suicides spend eternity in their own personal hell, I hope he made it to heaven and he's watching me and loving me like he always did.