My DH doesn't like me

[Kenre]

At least, that's what it feels like to me. The things he says and does (or doesn't do) just make me feel more and more like a horrible wife and mother.

Recently I just want to lay in bed or sit on the couch. Even CafeMom has lost it's appeal to me. I guess you should know when your depressed by the fact that your addiction isn't even helping your moods anymore.

A few weeks ago I told DH that I quit. I just quit. I can't handle taking care of SS, DS and him all by myself while pregnant. I just can't do it! They are slobs and DH's idea of watching his kids is putting on TV or a video game for them, so that he can sit all day on his game. He just ignores them, and they know it, so the minute I get up (if I get to sleep in that day and they don't just come and wake me up because they want attention) they cling to me. They hold onto my skirt and follow me around the house. Of course, DH doesn't clean, so I am doing that too with the kids holding onto my skirt. I am potty training both boys, while cleaning the house. I play with the boys, while cleaning the house. Then DH asks what's for the meal that's coming up and when will it be ready... so I'm cleaning, making a meal, and entertaining two boys... all while I'm pregnant and inside I'm just crying. So, I told him I couldn't do it anymore, and I quit. He can be "mom" for a while... my house slowly became destroyed... my boys have become terrors and both are starting over again on the potty training... DH doesn't cook, so I still ended up doing that, but I just feel like crap and don't want to cook.

Yesterday I woke up with DS and found myself sick and tired of looking at the messy house. I quit, and DH still doesn't move off the computer. I did dishes and cleaned my kitchen the best I could before getting physically ill in the toilet from overworking myself. I did all of my laundry, but then I just couldn't move anymore to finish my house. My laundry is laid out ready to be hung in the right places in their closets. I told, forcefully, DH and DS that they were to get every toy out of my living room and back into the boys' room.

I went to the OBGYN today. She is forcing me to see a therapist, so I have that appointment tomorrow (against DH's wishes mind you. He told me to just suck it up already and get over it... meaning my depression). My baby is measuring small, and has slowed in growth considerably. I might be put on bed rest later... if this continues... then maybe even induced like they had to with DS when he started to loose weight instead of gain any. DH didn't come in with me this time. I told him what was said while we drove home. He told me that if this pregnancy and baby turn out like DS, then we're not having anymore kids... I almost started crying right then and there. I love DS. He's a sweet boy, but DH can't handle him... so, I guess my dream of having any girls is gone... my dream of having a large family is gone... Besides that, DH constantly reminds me that it was me who wanted this kid and so it'll be me who takes care of him.

We couldn't get my needle and thread today, either... DH needed ciggerettes and soda. He also has to pay for his gaming accounts, so we'll see about getting DS some much needed underwear this weekend and SS some shoes. DH comes first... he's the man of the house, afterall...

Then I tried to find my insurance card because I'm going to need it tomorrow for the therapist. I can't find it. My house is destroyed and everything I worked so hard to organize is left in ruins. DH has just thrown things onto my desk, he hasn't put any receipts into the box that I told him to put them in so I could balance the books, and there's a pile of papers in the "junk drawer" in my kitchen, which over flowed into the cleaning cabinet underneath. I rushed through the house trying to find my cards and trying to organize things once again. When I finally opened my cleaning cabinet I cried. Papers everywhere, one of my laundry soap bottles spilled over a lot of them, dryer sheets and Swiffer pads have been pulled completely from their boxes and I found three empty containers of things down there as well (which confuses me, because I know I wouldn't leave an empty container down there.) The tears just fell as DS played behind me with the Swiffer pads and DH sat on his computer playing video games. I had to stop DS multiple times from grabbing or playing with any of the poisonous cleaning supplies (the cabinet has locks on them, so DS doesn't get this "opportunity" often.) DH ignored everything going on around him. I finished the cabinet, took out the garbage, and searched the car for my card (I am not even going to start on the state of the car. I cried some more when I got into it and actually looked around.) After doing all of this... I still haven't found my insurance card. I am so screwed tomorrow.

So, now I'm exhausted and I decide that maybe my mood would be better if I came to see what was new (or at least today's "drama") on CafeMom. I am looking around in my groups. I go into my Modest Mom's group. I again break down. DH hates the way I dress, and for a while he and his mom forced me to wear clothes I didn't want to. They sold, threw away, gave away, and packed all of my old clothes up and forced me into jeans and a t-shirt. I embarrassed them by wearing my dresses. About three weeks ago, it was raining, and I embarrassed DH by wearing a shawl/scarf over my head. He called me a lot of mean names. Tells me he likes me better in jeans and shirts... he said he liked seeing my legs and body... so I haven't allowed him to see me at all since I pulled my dresses from storage... I won't even be intament with him; I've even banned kissing. He doesn't like me like this, so I'm not going to force him to pretend to. One of the ladies puts up a website for more shawls/scarfs and head coverings. I go on there to see what they have. DH just happens to look over my shoulder and go, "Oh now you're going to cover your head too?! Can't you be normal?"

He doesn't like me. He wants me to be those ladies you see on TV, but I'm not. I don't want other guys looking at me. I want my DH to look at me. I want to be loved for my personality and the beauty inside... not because of my body. I want someone who sees I need help and doesn't chastise me. I want someone who sees I'm struggling with the kids and gets up to immediately help me out! I want someone to go, "You have way to much to do. I already picked up the bathroom for you." instead of shaving and leaving the mess there for me, or overflowing the trash and leaving it for me to get to it. I have to ask, plead, beg, whine, and break down before anything happens, and then he gets angry at ME for breaking down.

But I was the one who wanted to be married, not him. I was the one who wanted to have kids, not him. I was the one who moved us up here for him to have visitation, not him. I brought all of this on myself... so I am just going to suck it up... after I cry again.

[proudmama1207]

May. 19, 2009 at 11:25 PM

Don't worry. You are not alone. I feel the same way. I am expected to do everything while he (dh) sits on his fat ass and plays around on the internet. I do everything plus I work outside the home and go to school. He doesn't even take out the trash anymore. He is rude to me, gives me dirty looks and just generally is hateful towards me. I think all the men caught some "lets hate our wives" disease. i just wrote a journal. feel free to read it and know that you are not alone. hugs for you!

[jennloves]

May. 19, 2009 at 11:42 PM

i would tell your husband to help or move out, mine husband was kindley like that with the house and thank that i only have one kid that ten before i am haveing little mariah this june. i would not handle him, and have to handle the house and work until the dr's took me off of work. until after i have the baby. what your husband doing is a form of abusive and girl you are better than that no women derverse to be treated that way, i wish men could be pg, and feel the way we do when we are pg, and have to carried extra weight on us, man it is a blessing to have kids with a man or husband that will be there in every way fincal... and emotinal and help with the kid and house, i had been single with one child for ten years and now i don't have my current husband in the picture ethier with this baby cuz i am not going to work to take care of two kids and a grown man. i will live single again and take care of me and my kids and help with my family and that that, girl you need to make a stand he run over you like a door-mat and you are letting him, you need to stand up to him.

[orchid404]

May. 20, 2009 at 12:30 AM

Pregnancy is hard, I had the same issues (with no help from hubby) and got put on bedrest for the entire third trimester.  We had to hire a baby sitter full time to care for our son (he has ADHD), so, he's a handful!  Maybe you need to tell someone you need help, other than your husband.  As for the cloths?  my hubby likes me fully covered (no head scarf) but so that no one can see my body shape... I compromise, and stay covered but still fashionable (when I'm in the mood :) what about jean skirts?  they have some cute long jean skirts, have you looked at them?

Best of luck to you, and good health.

[MommaLucy]

May. 20, 2009 at 2:13 PM

Hon...your DH is being an ass. He is being emotionally abusive. He contributed to making this baby...I'm sure you didn't force him...so for him to say you'll be the one taking care of it...thats rediculous and cruel. And for him to put soda, cigarettes and gambling ahead of the familie's needs, then he's not even a man at all.

You need to get away from him and his mother, you're already basically a single mom..you'd probably be better off financially by getting some help with state assistance and leaving his ass, then being stuck in a miserable situation. And its no environment to raise children in...they will just learn that its okay for men to treat women like slaves.

[monkeyberry]

May. 20, 2009 at 5:40 PM

I totally agree with MommaLucy!