What I would have been doing this week....

[redhotmommy]

Having a baby! Happens all the time without the world, throughout the day, just not for me this time. I've been doing pretty well trying to stay positive and not think about what could have been? Chad- I don't think has thought about it. However, I think of it this way, as much as father's love their children, they just don't have that bond that a mother does with a child. They don't have that connection because they don't have "something" growing inside them.  I don't want to break down and cry because I feel like he would think I was a weirdo. Then, you've got the chorus of people, who are like get over it already!"You are young, you can have more."  "Lots of women lose babies, all the time."  Well no offense, but I'm not them! I'm me, and that was my baby, not theirs, and sometimes I just want to cry. I know it was only 12 weeks, but that was 12 weeks of hopes and dreams that I'll never see come true.

I think what bothers me the most is the attitude of two people who I consider important in my life. I love them to death, but they just don't get it. Like I said before, I don't think Chad gets it. Him and I have being having problems(I won't get into it)-I feel like I've been working on it-but we'll see what happens- anyways-we had a conversation the other day that kind of turned into an argument. He doesn't want anymore children. I think it's because his feelings on how our relationship is going, although he said part of it was because he didn't want to have any children left in the house when he retired from Navy. The thing is Gavin, won't even be out the house by then! Duh! That just crushes. I definitely want more children. I just want more, if it doesn't happen because it's God will, that's fine, but I at last want the chance/hope of it. Saying, that in combination of this week(the 24th to be exact) would have been my due date, it's making me more angry and more sad. I mean, what would he have done if that baby was still here and had made it? Just upsets me.

The other thing is my mother's reaction to the whole situation. I posted something about how I was thinking about my angel baby as my due date was fastly approaching. She has a facebook account, so she proceeds to tell me it's not healthy to think about these things. I don't exactly where she's coming from. She miscarried at baby at a little of 5 months, knew the sex and everything. She of all people, I thought would be a little more understanding. Maybe she means well, but that's not going to help me move on. And what if I don't want to move on? I never want to forget! I will never forget. There's always going to be something there to remind me. When anyone has a baby, when you see all those cute little baby clothes at the store, when you go to the obgyn and they have to ask you how many pregnancies you've had, and then how many children, you actually have.

I don't want to say it was a blessing, but I do find some comfort in the fact that my angel baby made a scarifice for me. As cooky as that sounds, it's true. I've been having gallbladder problems, but they found no gallstones, so they were going to dismiss it because they couldn't perform any more test while I was pregnant. The baby passed away and then I was able to get a Hida scan not too long after. My gallbladder is only functioning only at 8%. So it definitely has to come out. I wouldn't have been able to have surgery either if I was pregnant.

One thing that helps keep me going, no matter what the situation is, whether it's dealing with my miscarriage or any of my health issues, is Gavin. He's such a fighter, sooo brave. He's my little hero, my little diabetic superhero.. I'm soo glad God picked me to be his mom. Of course I worry about that too. I would hate to lose another child. I want to think positive, but diabetes sucks. I told Chad that, what if Gavin passes away? I won't have any children? If he would pass away(God forbid) I honestly wouldn't make it. He's my only reason for living. While I lied in bed last I thought about how it felt to hold him for the first time. All his firsts- first words, steps, teeth, everything..So as a favor to me, just give your kiddios an extra couple of hugs this week. Life is so precious and so fragile!

I suppose I will use this week as a time of reflection of Gavin's life, and how blessed I am to have those memories. Can you tell my emotions are all over the place?  I shall get through this too.

What life is all about when you are a mama...

Sorry for the pic overload.,..but I had to!

 

[caydensmommy225]

May. 20, 2009 at 11:46 AM

hang in there..and i kind of understand where chad is coming from because i also want one more child but curtis is done since we had the miscarriage and brynleigh being preterm and her health issues..guys get scared and maybe in time chad may choose to have another but ya cant dwell on it ..there is a reason you lost him/her just like when i miscarried.. i wish i could have better words of advice but it definately will make you appreciate gav that much more since he was a successful lil one!

[AJsMomma]

May. 20, 2009 at 2:24 PM

Well I can't say that I understand exactly how you feel, but I do understand the bond a mother has with her child from day one. I had hopes and a deep love for my kids from the day I found out I was pregnant, and it would have been devastating for me to lose one of them even so early. I think your mother is wrong, I think that it is HEALTHY to mourn the loss of your baby. Keeping it inside and pretending it didn't happen will only make things worse. This is your baby, you loved him/her just like you love Gavin. I understand that as a mother, and I feel for you very deeply. Let yourself cry this week, there is nothing wrong with that!!

I hope that you and Chad work things out, and I hope you get more babies like you want. I also think you are very strong and very smart you realize the gift you have been given through Gavin. Lots of love to you!!

[fibromom]

May. 20, 2009 at 5:19 PM Oh sweetie, I so feel for you right now! I hope you and Chad can work things out, but if not, then God has other plans for you and Gavin. You are a real sweet girl with a great heart. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I could not imagine losing a child. I also have only one child and would die if I didn't have her . I can't have any more kids either. So, I do understand what you're talking about having a bond with your baby. I think it is very normal to mourn your loss. I hope you can feel better soon. I will pray for you. (((HUGS)))! Jen