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remembering me; a mom's thought on a journey
- May 20, 2009 at 7:29 PM
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- Comments (17) Total Views (500) Everyone can see this journal post.
its so nice right now... hubby has stepped out for a moment, kids are playing right here next to me in the hall and i've got the music up. loud. its so great to hear something that takes me back... back when it was just about my bullshit and my issues.... to selfish-land or before babies.
at times i really miss that girl... the one who danced all night and loved who she wanted. i don't want to trash my life or make ridiculous changes ... i just wanna remember... remember the air when i stood on a balcony of a place that was all mine and the summer sun was setting on a day's end that was leading to an open ended night...
i smoked then [thank God i don't now] but man, i did dig my cigarettes. i loved standing in the hot breeze with my head full of dreams and new beginings, while having a smoke. i could spend an hour in the tub blaring my music while a candles' light danced up the walls. my hair took hours to do, so time was taken back then to prepare. clothes were short, tight and heels a must. i miss having just having to walk into a room and i was noticed. [now i could walk in naked and there would still be no reaction]. i think i owned maybe three pairs of shoes without a heel... the rest [20 pairs at least] were high heel. i was thinner then and i could wear what i wanted, ... a luxury i gave up when i stuffed my face with doughnuts during my two pregnancies.
it was nice to be able to be more open about my sexuality, since i wasn't in a committed and loving relationship most of the time. the women i dated were pretty darn amazing.... one was pure love. i'm thankful for my difficult marriage, its taught me to grow up and not be so selfish. i'm glad i met him when i did... he was made for me, and i for him.
i think back on the men i dated that were fun, silly and no where near what i wanted... just a distraction for a time, ...no sex, nothing serious, just the lovely attention of being adored and desired.... going home alone feeling solid and strong. i didn't get real strength until i realized how hard it was to watch one of my kids get sick, or my husband loose a job... and we had no money...no rent..
i love thinking about those times... i'm so glad i had them. i'm blessed to have had them. i miss being a flaky single gal trying to make it work with a job, figuring out bills and men all the while only focusing on me... me...
you didn't know how easy it all was until you had to be responsible for someone else's life... i know i wasn't aware until i had my boys.... and the beauty in their eyes opened a whole new world to me... a much better world. i'm thankful for what i had back then, it makes me a better mom i think... it was the paths i took that brought me to the joys in my life; my hubby and my kids...
so i can hear those old songs, while my boys dance around my feet and feel nothing but pride and peace for who i was and how i got here on my journey to real love.
Comments:
thank you honey! thank you so much!! :)
So true...Thanks for reminding me of who I was before I had my kids...I have to agree it is so good to hear that music sometimes but the journey we are on is so worth it all!!
great post! you are a wonderful writer and I so agree with you!
thank you ladies... love that you took time out to read and comment... you're all so wonderful!!
Very true... Everything we have done in the past, has led us to where, and who we are today. It's nice to look back and reflect. Very beautiful! :)
Wow, girl. We are so exactly in the same place right now. I love that we've bumped into each other now.
I felt EVERY word. <3
That is such a beautiful post!
Sooooo true! Life was much easier before kids and husbands. But I would not trade it for the world. It has shaped who I am. No regrets, just memories.
I like to remember the days before kids....what a different person I was then...not that I would change a thing. Life was definitely easier when all I had to care about/for was myself!! (And boy do I miss my cigarettes sometimes too!)
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Oh Jen, beautiful journal post.. that I am sure most of us can relate to in some way or another. What a journey life is! :)
- PAMom614
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