Desperate : I need some advice

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Desperate : I need some advice

April 25, 2007 at 3:15 PM by KoolMama
25 Comment(s)
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Please help me! I'm really having a bad day!! I could really use some good advice. Anyone that knows me, all ready knows that I am having some major financial problems. Life is already stressful enough. But today it got a little more stressfull.

My oldest son, who is 23, called me this morning. I'm really worried about him. I think he is very depressed and I'm afraid that he might try to do something really stupid. The problem: He lives in NJ, and his father and I live in LA. He is going through a very rough period in his life right now. I want him to come home, but he does not want to. I can't afford to go there, because of my financial situation, and I don't know what to do!

I'm hoping and praying that he gets his life together soon, but I can't afford to help him anymore. Especially, since most of my financial situation was caused from helping him out in the past. He has to realize that we still have 2 children here at home that we have to think of.

I wish that he would realize that it is not my responsibility to take care of his responsibilities, when he can't (or won't) take care of them himself. I can't help him, if he won't let me! I don't know what else I can do. He has to grow up sometime, doesn't he? Am I a bad mother for feeling like this? I wish that I could take all of his problems away, but that is part of the problem, I've been doing just that all of his life. And unfortunately (for him) the well has run dry.

Am I wrong? I've offered him the only thing that I can, a place to stay. If thats not good enough, thats not my fault, is it? If something happens to him, I will feel awful. If something happens to him, will it be my fault for not doing enough? Have I really done enough? What would a 'Good' mother do?

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Written by KoolMama on April 25, 2007 at 3:15 PM
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Comments:

As a mom, you do the best you can. This may sound harsh, but your son has to live out his own life, with his choices he has made. Mom cant save him all the time. All you can do is tell him that you love him and maybe see if you can find a clinic for him to go to. Tell him about it and ask him to get help. That is all you can do. After that it is out of your hands and you did your best and that is all that matters. Take care of your other children with love and so be it!

Blessings

Amy

amyhatcher Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:21 PM

I think you are doing the right thing...you can only bail him out so many times. He will just keep taking advantage if you let him. He is an adult and I know he is your child....but you did what you could ... offered him a place to stay. Seeing as how is not your only child and you have financial issues you need to worry about everyone else in the equation and not just him alone. I have bailed my niece and nephew out and let me tell you my niece shows NO appreciation at all and she is 3 years older than your son...in fact the way she thanked me by was going and getting into trouble again only this time she didnt call me...thank God cause I would have said no and left her in the jail cell. Its not your fault if anything should happen....like I said you are doing what you can.

CJ1230 Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:21 PM

Part of being a mom is letting your kids fall down, I can't tell you what to do but your feelings are what any parent in the same situation would have. I hope all works out for you though, good luck.

jasminemg Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:23 PM

No- you shouldn't feel bad about this at all. My in-laws had the same problem with my BIL. Finally they reached a point where they just decided to stop helping him, and yeah, he did find a few pitfalls, but as soon as he realized that mom and dad weren't going to bail his butt out anymore, he really started making choices more carefully. I know it's hard to fight the instinct to solve his problems for him, because as mothers we spend so many years believing it is our job to do so. But in all actuality, our job is to teach them to solve problems on their own. Sometimes the only way to do this is through tough love. I know you feel bad about the idea of not helping him out, but you're actually helping him more by forcing him to suffer the consequences of his actions. He has to realize that you've done your part, and it's time for him to learn to take better care of himself. As for him possibly being a threat to himself, that's a tough call. I'm not really sure what I'd do in a situation like that. Pretty much the only thing you can do is to suggest he gets some help from resources in the community, and keep suggesting until he actually does it. There are some things that he is going to have to be responsible for, that are out of your hands. That is one of the most painful parts of being a parent, as I have found out. Hope this helps :)

heyiheardthat Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:27 PM

I have a 22 year old daughter that I'm having problems with. She has refused to accept our help and our advice and, due to this, we have given h er until the end of May to move out. Am I a bad parent? No, I have done everything I can and she is an adult and she has to learn. I can't keep "saving her" and I can't MAKE her do the right thing. Same thing with your 23 year old son. If something happens to them, we will feel HORRIBLE, but it is not our fault. There comes a time in our lives when we have to cut the strings and allow them to fly. Now, whether they fly or crash is up to them. We did it, they can do it. Am I really this calm inside? No, my blood pressure is sky high and I've been crying on/off for days but in my heart of hearts I know I am doing the right thing. All I can do is pray that she does the right thing and comes through this fine. My heart and prayers are with you!

ScrappinTxMama Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:43 PM

Well of course you should feel bad about it! We, as mothers, are honed into our GUILT if we don't do anything. While I say of course you should feel bad, I would too, there is nothing you can do. Your son has gone and spread his wings by being so far away from you. It is up to him to either take care of issues or come back. You cannot make that decision for him. You need to accept the fact that your son can only help himself -- of course the guilt will still be there, but I agree with everyone! You gave him an out and it's up to him to take it or not. My 19 year old is the same way. Iwill do anything in the world for you, within my means. Doesn't mean I don't wish I could do more or feel guilty that I can't do more, it's coming to the realization that, whatever happens beyond my means, is out of my hands. I wish you all the best. I know it is difficult!

bearfan Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:45 PM

Thank you to everyone for your support. At least I can feel better about the fact that I am doing the right thing. I know that things probably won't end the way that I fear they will. This is just me assuming the worst case scenario. It's just that this is probably the worst time he could have chosen to dump this on me.

KoolMama Apr. 25, 2007 at 3:55 PM

At some point we all have to learn to stand on our own two feet. This is his time. It is his turn to take his big flight from the nest. You are always his mom and always there for him but, you can't bail him out forever or he will never learn. I keep telling my two that I am always here to catch you when you fall but, expect a kick in the butt or slap in the back of the head to help get you going again! Your life is what you choose to make of it......... however happy or unhappy it is. Life is not a bed of roses..... it has a few thistles in the middle...... ( ok, I'm channeling grandma) Most of all, they have to be responsible for their own choices! We don't make those for them! So, you can't blame yourself for them!!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!

Paula

pkendall Apr. 25, 2007 at 4:13 PM

Thanks to everyone who has left a comment, but my question to you now is: What do you do when your 'baby' bird doesn't fly when you nudge them out of the nest?

KoolMama Apr. 25, 2007 at 5:15 PM

unconditional love, you love them so very much but yet you feel like it is never enough, you got to remember he is 3x7, you have raised him into a young adult, you will always be his mother, and best friend, but he has got to want to help also, good luck and my prayers and thoughts are with you, just talk t o him as much as you can and reassure him that you do LOVE him regardless if you can or can not do everything for him.take care, coletta

Coletta Apr. 26, 2007 at 9:27 AM

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