I am so hurt right now.....

[jeng1980]

I have a good relationship with my parents.  They live 45 minutes away so we don't see them that often.  They have an internet business so they are VERY busy Monday - Friday.  I've never had a really close relationship with my dad as we all hear about the father/daughter....daddy's girls.  I'm not one of those but I do respect my daddy for bringing us up and actually taking responsibility for us.  There was a time that he could have left my mom before they were even married.  You see, I was an oopsie baby.  Not really planned.  They've never made me feel that way though just so you know.  My mom and I did have a pretty good relationship until she started showing disapproval of how I'm raising my daughter.  I have three children.  I have a 5 year old son who was the ideal baby.  He never gave us a whole lot of challenges.  He warmly and lovingly welcomed his baby sister into the world at the early age of 23 months.  He never showed a jealous bone in his body.   He's always loved her.  Sarah is our 3 year old daughter.  For 3 years I've been getting crap from my parents.  First it was because I was breastfeeding her and they couldn't be involved.  My child, my choice.  I had lots of bad experiences with formula with Noah.  Anyways this post is not about breastfeeding in general, just a lack of support I had from the parents.  Not that their lack of support matters but their support definitley would have helped.  Anyways, I had 100% support from my husband and that's all I needed to be successful.  Okay so to the point of my post..

Our 3 year old daughter is what I call a strong willed child.  She will challenge you in every aspect of your parenting.  She will have you flabbergasted as to what to do with her sometimes in the way of discipline.  You don't know whether to spank her, talk firmly to her, put her in time out because you never know what will work with her.  I've had to become very creative with her.  I don't ever remember praying for patience but I'm sure learning it with her.  Now my parents(mostly my dad) gave me a hard time about nursing her until she was 2.  I felt it was best for her and I took the time to explain this to him and he still "made fun". Again my child, my choice.  His lack of support doesn't matter.  In other words, I let these things go.  Now I must say that she definitley challenges authority and I firmly believe that the strong willed child will be a leader some day.  You must have a will to do things to be a leader.  I have discussed with my daddy that  I REFUSE to pull that out of her with my parental authority and ability to spank her.  This post is not about whether to spank or not to spank either so please don't reply on that only.  God made her this way for a reason! Fast forward to today.

My mom called while I was in the shower.  She had got news that our A/C had broke in our truck and knowing that it's going to be expensive was calling for support.  She left a message on the answering machine.  My strong willed child Sarah came in while I was in the shower and told me the phone was ringing and it was Nana.  She heard her leave a message.  I thought that was cute!  She is extremely smart!  Anyways I called back when I got out and my daddy answered the phone.  My mom was on the other phone with business so I talked to my dad and told him what it was costing us to get the A/C fixed.  It's a good chunk of money.  He TOTALLY changed the subject and told me that I needed to send Sarah over there for a week.  I asked him why knowing that it was probably because of her "strong will".  He told me that I wasn't giving her enough attention and she is one I was going to have to be consistent with.  Now remember, I have tried my best to be creative in the discipline department because if I used only spanking for a form of discipline I would be spanking her non stop!  LITERALLY!  I replied "Daddy she is 3." She's testing all authority and she is free to do that in my house."  He then told me that she will now "fight" with my mama.  They went and stayed this past Sunday night with them.  My mom never mentioned this when they came back.  I was really hurt.  So my mom got off the phone and my daddy ended the converstion abruptly and said "your mom is off the phone now...here she is".  I talked to her for a bit about the A/C and all.  They want to take them to the beach for 3 days....Noah and Sarah!  They are going 3 hours away to stay.  Before today I was okay with it.  After that conversation I am reconsidering whether to let Sarah go.  If she doesn't do just how my daddy thinks she should, he may get on to her.  I don't think he'd ever spank her but he can talk to her harshly and it hurts her feelings horribly.  I've given my mother permission to spank her with a paint paddle or wooden spoon if she needs it.  My mom is more on the same page with me about Sarah.  She knows I struggle but I am just really hurt that my daddy views my child as needing more attention and needs me to be more consistent.  And even moreso that he thinks he could "fix" her in a week at his house.  What?  I am just hurt and I can't even cry right now because I am in shock pretty much.

[busywithkids]

May. 28, 2009 at 1:47 PM

I am sorry that your dad is being like that!

My father tried to discipline my son once,  deliberately excluding me from the process (telling me it wasn't my business) and I told him it WAS my business because it was my child and I am responsible for raising him.  Some days, you gotta take a stand and let them know that they had their chance to raise their kids,  and now they have to trust that they did a good job of it and you can handle raising yours.

JMO

[MomToAnArmyOf3]

May. 28, 2009 at 1:55 PM

Jen, Eireland is the VERY same way, she is 5. I know exactly what you mean about the disapproval of your parents while disciplining your children, and in several other areas as well.  Sadly you have to remember that now it is your job to focus on the raising of Sara, and that needs to take priority over your relationship with your parents, as sad as that is to even say.

I know that you are heartbroken and I can understand that completely, but you have to remember that your job as a mommy is to raise Sarah in the way that you feel she should be.

Good Luck girlie! You will be in my prayers!

[Momof3cuties]

May. 28, 2009 at 2:40 PM

Jen~Sorry to hear that you are dealing with this!  Funny how sometimes our parents seem to think that they know so much better than we do when it comes to raising our kids.  What they see, it's only for a short time, they don't see the whole picture b/c they are grandparents.  Perhaps you can say to him that you wouldn't want his role as her grandpa compromised by something like this since this is not a role that a grandparent should be taking.  I would be crushed too.  You are a great mom Jen.  Maybe you can talk to your mom & see what she thinks about the beach weekend and perhaps talk to Sara.  Bella went through a stage at 3 too.  She drove me nuts for awhile.  Your dad needs to remember that she's yours to raise, regardless and if he has such issues with it then extended stays with them will not be done anymore.  I agree with Rhiannon.  Hang in there hon.  You will be in my thoughts & prayers!

 

[Ktbodin0479]

May. 28, 2009 at 6:00 PM

Jen, I'm sure we will be talking about this tomorrow...or later...hehe.  But I wanted to let you know what things I saw that popped out!  Jen, if it were me, just knowing about that situation of her stepping out of boundaries and him talking harsh to her, I would make sure that you talk to him again and feel good about her going.  He is set in his ways about discipline;  you won't be changing him, but you do need to step up to him and tell him what you feel is appropriate as punishment.  And if you don't feel comfortable then you know you won't be sending her.  I wouldn't send her either.  I feel you on this situation; I really do Jen.  I'm so sorry that you have to go through this;  I'm sure I'll have to talk to my own parents some day about Ethan too.  Do hang in there;  I know this has greatly upset you as it should.  Your father has stepped over the boundaries;  if your mother had a problem then it would be appropriate for her to go to you but not him.  Perhaps (if this is how your parents are), maybe she expressed her concerns to him and he spoke for her.  You are right to be upset for him coming to you like that.  I love you Jen...take care of yourself before worrying about others...