Butt Zits...Update...Ass Staph...the final update!

[lah_arcana]

Soooo....i am going to write a journal that details the extremely amusing zit on my ass.... i can't help but laugh.  This could be a friggin sit com!

 

So friday evening as i am getting out the shower and getting dressed for my gig i notice a small pimple on my butt.  Being the soooo-not-shy person that i am i quickly proceed to my roommates room and ask her to look at it... Together we diagnosed that it was infact a zit and the best method of removal would be to put zit cream on it.  Sounds like a great idea right?

Well, since my lovely booty intruder was a little tender and I had a very busy night of booty shaking ahead of me at my gig (i sing in a band on bourbon street), i decided that commando was the way to go.  So i slapped some zit cream on my ass...slipped on my jean shorts and headed to the french quarter. 

The next morning i popped the little fucker... it hurt but i figured no biggie... put more zit cream on it and continued my day commando again.  Went to two little league games...even got lucky with the boyfriend.  Used the Tata's to distract him from the HUGE zit on my ass...then went back to the quarter again for my gig and another Little League game on sunday.

So then Monday comes around...by this point i have googled every possible variation of giant butt zit and now i'm freaking myself out.  I discretely head to the ladies room at my office and (this is the genius coming out in me) squeeze the massive boil again... some fabulous green puss come out.  Now i'm worried...

So i call my mommy and describe (very quietly bc i'm still in my office) the details of my unwelcomed booty intruder and she suggests i get to the dr.  So i call the Dr.s office, now i'm standing bc i can't sit down.  This apparently a common occurrence.  The A/C was out in my office so i am wearing a very attractive and super short dress.  I look smokin hot...that was the only way i could make myself feel better about the HUGE abscess on my ass.

So i get to the Dr.'s office and very discretely tell the nurse that i have a "pain in the ass."  I requested a female doctor as well.  SO...i strip down to my birthday suit and put on the very sexy hospital gown...squirt some perfume btw my legs in case my areas aren't as fresh as they could be and then wait.  Then in comes the Doctor....IT WASN'T A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It was a smoking hot, unmarried man.  No wedding ring, crystal blue eyes, blonde hair... brad pitt look alike coming to inspect the giagantic puss filled boil on my butt....fabulous.

So Dr. Hotty checks out my ass and then hollers accross the office..."Nurse Carlos (also a man), come see this!  Wait bring a ruler!"  And then proceeded to measure my ass zit.  And then poked and prodded and decided he couldn't do anything today as i have already squeezed out all the butt juice that would come out.  He prescribes me ten million different medicines and requests to see me again tomorrow. 

 

Now i have yet to tell me extremely attractive boyfriend about my unwanted guest on my backside.  But since my mother couldn't find the daycare and i couldn't answer the phone with Dr. Hotty inspecting my booty, she decides it's a brilliant idea to call him.  So she calls my boyfriend and says "Lindsey can't answer the phone bc she is at the doctors right now about her cyst so could you give me directions to the daycare."  And he does........and then calls every hospital in New Orleans bc now i am dying from a ruptured cyst or something... So finally i get him on the phone and tell him it's just a giant zit on my ass that is infected. 

He comes over that night, brings me roses, and then begs and begs to see the carnage that is my butt... i have now taken six different medications, 3 margaritas and two shots of crown to numb the incredible pain in the ass that i am experiencing.  So i showed him...and he still loves me... and now i'm limping around my office...

 

But if i can't laugh about it i will cry... and i'm really stoned from all the drugs they have me on!  lol...

 

Moral of the story...don't pop ass zits then shake your ass in the quarter with out wearing panties!

 

 

**********************UPDATE****************************************

 

So, I'm at my office and start feeling absolutely terrible.  The bitch that i sit next to told me i look like hell...so nice of her.  I call the Doctors office and they think i'm having a problem with the ten million pills the prescribed me and that i need to come in.  Soooo I call my exhusband who is very entertained by my sitiuation and ask him if he would get the girls tonight and then race back to the doctors office. 

 

Arriving at the Drs, the nurses crack many tastless jokes about the ass of doom.  I then get shuffled back off to the room, strip down and get back in my super sexy hospital gown.  I try desperately to nap but the gentleman in the bed next to me decides that since he has a boil on his groin he can sympathize with me and tell me all about his puss filled oraface as well.  So then the Doctor comes in and to my extreme delight she was a young female!   HOORAY!!!!!  Dr. Hottie wasn't in today!  So she tells me my pain meds are making me sick and she wants to check out my ass mountain.  So then she decides that it's time to drain it.  As i am awaiting the terror that is ass pimple draining my boss decides to text message me about the business that i left at work... doesn't he understand that my ass is more important than collections???  Sheesh...

Dr. Young Female then says "ok, this is going to sting a little"....so i take a deep breath... bite the pillow and hold on to the gurney for dear life.  She then sticks me with the numbing medicine...i then scare all adults and children within a six block radius by screaming out every profanity on the planet... Mr. groin cyst next to me decides to tell me everything will be alright to which i reply politely "dude, could you and your diseased dick please leave me the fuck alone... i'm having my ass carved out over here."  He did! :)

After about ten million gallons of gunk is squeezed out of my ass, my wounds are dressed and i'm off to the pharmacy for some giant ass bandages.  No sooner does my boyfriend call me and ask if i want to spend the night... i am undecided! lol

have a fabulous evening Cafe Mommers... Hope my butt brings you all some joy!

___________________________Updated again_______________________________________

Really!?!?  Why do these things happen to me??

So, thursday i'm overly optimistic in thinking that my infection is going away.  Get to the office, get some lunch from the cafeteria take a bite and then realize that my jeans are covered in blood.  So i leave and go to the Dr....AGAIN....and she then proceeds to numb my ass again....OH MY GOD THIS HURTS LIKE HELL!!!!!  And then carve an even larger hole in my ass.... she is trying to get out the black staph...i then  freak the fuck out.... WHAT??? STAPH???  OH MY GOD!!!!  SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.... So i proceed to start weeping on the table... i was soooooooo depressed.  She prescribes me more drugs and bandages my ass again. 

So i head back to my house, take 3 goodies pm and polish off the crown royal then chase that with some wine (not an alcholic, just needed to pass out for a while).  Boyfriend calls me to find out how it went...well, being as dramatic as humanly possible i once again start to weep dramatically on the phone and told him that my ass would be forever deformed and he will not love me anymore if i have a deformed booty.  He says i'm being rediculous... brings me baloons, and roses, and $40 worth of prescriptions, and candy...tells me i smell like booze (i did), and that he loves me and then goes home.  So i spent all day friday in bed with my butt infection, taking my medicine and pumping myself full of benadryl and PM medications to knock out.  My roommates annoying maltese barking through the door everytime i change the channel on the tv (i hate that damn dog).  SOOOOO  By Saturday night I felt so much better, went back down to the quarter to make some $$$.  Sunday morning got up and went to church.  Big deal on sunday so boyfriend came with me... As i'm getting my Boyfriend situated at church my Grandmother then raises her hand and requests that we pray for my butt.... Thanks Grandmaw.... preciate ya...

 

Here's the email she sent... She's luck i love her:

 

" 

Sorry!

 

 

 

I mentioned your butt in church.  Am I forgiver?  What did

 

Josh think of the church.Love Grandma"

 

I swear...if my ass wasn't on the rebound i'd just jump at this point!  I think this may conclude that Booty Zit Saga.... how rediculous!!!

[momofne]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 12:51 PM

Wait.....Wait.....

[shell81]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 12:56 PM

[katie_s1]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 1:07 PM

you did not dissapoint, i can't stop laughing even after i read the journal...omg that is so bad and hilarious all at the same time.

[treystiredmommy]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 1:41 PM

thats friggin amazing.

[mommypip]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 1:43 PM

Oh my, You are too funny! I hope your "pain in the ass" goes away soon!

[lah_arcana]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 2:01 PM

I'm glad i could brighten someone else's day... my Mother has asked me to text her a picture...she is sick...what a weirdo....Can't wait to see Dr. Hotty in the morning again... fabulous! 

(Original Poster)

[hotchicks007]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 9:05 PM

Lol!!  Very well written!  I can empathize, I have had a similar experience.  Hopefully you don't get another one ever again!

[pharo]

Jun. 3, 2009 at 1:54 AM

Aww, you poor thing!  That sucks.  Trust me, I understand because I  have had a cyst in an even more sensitive area than my ass!  Sorry, but the Dr. Hotty thing is hilarious! 

[goatmom4]

Jun. 3, 2009 at 7:36 AM

rofl   somewhat funny but I symathize my hubby got a huge cyst in his   armpit they almost had to remove the duct it was in yukkk

[Lb128f]

Jun. 3, 2009 at 7:51 AM

OMG...hope "things" are better soon!