the place that i am in life right now isn't where i expected myself to be at all. i know most people say that..but it's struck me pretty hard lately. I'm so emotionally up and down lately, and i've been thinking a lot..about everything. My life...my friends..my daughter..my living situation.. Just 4 months ago i was in my own apartment. I was struggling..but i was happy. I was happy with the way things were going [minus the fact that i knew i had to move back to my parents house]. I lived in a quaint little apartment that was just right for Lyvia and I. It was exactly what i wanted..nice kitchen..lots of cubbords and counter space. 2 bedrooms..a little outside area...obviously there were some things i would have liked to change..but i was happy with it. I was a 15 min walk from town, so i didn't have to depend on anyone unless i had to go to santa rosa for a dr. appointment. Plus, I lived right next to one of my best friends, and another one of my best friends lived right in town. I went out with Lyvia to the park, i worked out, went shopping, had people over at my house for dinner, and had a great time. After I kicked Brian out i was so happy. I didn't realize how happy i would be living alone. I thought it would be torture, but i loved it soo much. My parents helped me with my part of the rent when brian moved out. I was trying desperatly to find a roomate, and i HAD found one. She was older..in her 30's and she was all set to move in...then she called me the day that she was supposed to start moving her stuff in..and what does she say? She CAN'T. WTF? I was more than upset, i was devestated. I even cried to my Dad over the phone. I look back at that now, and realize if she had moved in i most likely wouldn't have been in this situation that i am now. Although i probably wouldn't have had all the great times that i did have since she didn't move in. My Independence was lost in a snap of a finger. I have always felt trapped in my parents house. Ever since i was young. Esspecially when i turned 16 and i realized all my hopes of getting my drivers liscence were squashed. For those of you who don't know, I have petit-maul seizurs. I, and almost everyone i know call them "space outs" I'm basicly just not there for a few seconds..or up to a minute. It all depends. This makes me unable to drive. I would have to be 6 months seizure free for me to even ATTEMPT to get my drivers lisence. I have never gone a day without having at least one... So, again, I'm stuck. I live out on the highway..far away from anything. I can't walk anywhere, esspecially with Lyvia. I can't go anywhere unless someone is dropping me off or picking me up. It frustrates me to no ends..and people just don't understand it. My Father thinks i'm making things a lot worse then they are. I'm not. They just don't get what its like to have to be stuck in your house ALL DAY, and not be able to do anything about it. Everyone I know [except for 1 person] drives. She lives in town though and its not a big deal..it wasn't for me when i was living in town either. I get so antzy...like right now. I want..need to get out. And i don't mean walk up and down my driveway. That is not the kind of get out i mean. I'm a very social person and if i don't interact with people i get really antzy and sad. Is this an a disease? Or an obsession? Maybe there is a cream i can use...social no more? Living here is torture. Yes..that is the perfect word. T-O-R-T-U-R-E. I get jealous sometimes because i hear my friends going out and able to do things, driving places..it makes me feel small and insecure. I also don't bring anything to the "group". I've realized i have no talent..i don't actually do anythng special. I don't play an instrument, I don't do any kind of activity that makes me unique. The only thing that makes me unique, is my damn seizurs. I don't want to be that kind of unique! I don't want to be defined by my disorder..my handicap. i want to do so many things. But they ALL cost money. I'd love to learn how to play the guitar. Its always been something i've wanted to do since I love to sing and always thought it would be awesome. I'd like to take a few classes at the jc again..but again..money. I've thought and thought and thought about a hobby to bide my time when i don't have lyvia and when i'm not doing anything else. I can't think of anything. My mom keeps saying to knit or something..ugh. that just sounds so boring to me. I don't want to sit around and do that crap. No thank you. I love photography, and have thought about that. I have a camera that my uncle gave me several years ago. But film for that kind of camera is expensive..and i need to learn how to use it and wouldn't really know where to start... I think a lot of people [esspecially my parents] don't think i try..which i do. Its not easy being a 25 year old single mom of a very crazy 3 year old. It not easy not being able to do things for her like drive her to the park, or take her to get icecream..always having other people do it for her. How is she going to see me when she's older? When i can't pick her up from school? Or i can't drive her to a friends house..is she going to resent me..? Is she going to be a spiteful teen? A lot of the times i just don't feel good enough. I don't feel good enough for her..for my parents..i know i'm a dissapointment in their eyes esspecially. It saddens me, and upsets me. I was the first born [or first adopted i guess i should say] and i know they expected a lot from me. I feel like i've been dissapointing them my whole life. I was never good at school..i hated doing homework, i hardly ever studied, always got bad grades, i got my first F when i was in like 4th or 5th grade. It didn't stop there either. Although i didn't get many F's after that..I would get D's. Which is just as bad as an F in my book. I always felt like the "black sheep" or the stupid one in the family. All my family memberes are smart,gorgeous and talented. Marc was successful in band..even got to direct one year at a concert, and was the drum major for the apple blossom parade one year. Moni and Mike got up to honor band at analy as well...me? i got up to treble choir..tried to get into honor choir twice..didn't make it. Plus..the most horrible one, is that i tried out for EVERY SINGLE solo. Every one...i never got a solo. Not once. I would always look at Jessie in envy whenever she got a solo. It seemed like everyone around me was smarter and more talented. I don't feel like i have any real talent. Not one that people can say...wow..you're really good at that!! I don't think i have ever been told that i was really good at something. everything i tried at i was at best mediocore. Singing..any sport that i tried..even if i LOVED it. I just knew i wasn't good enough. I loved softball...but i w as never really good at it...even sue once told me that i was horrible at it. It hurt. Even though it was several years after i had graduated and had even played softball. I guess that's enough of this...
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