My Greatest Fear

[jeng1980]

Our VBS theme last week at our church was about fear.  Our song was quite cute.  It was called "Do Not Be Afraid".  My friend and I taught the 4 year old class.  We did not get to ask them what they are most afraid of but I can guess that some answers would have been the dark, shadows on the wall at night, and things like that.  This question has been repeating itself in my head.  "what are you most afraid of" over and over again.  The devil is trying to take over in this section of my life.  My greatest fear is that any one of my children may come in contact with a child molester or just a person who may touch them inappropriately.  I also fear that it could be someone whom I trust completely like my father or my FIL.  I know this is total craziness but the fear keeps coming back.  If anything like that was to ever happen to my children, I would go ballistic on someone and probably lose my cool.  I would hurt them so badly that they would never want to come near me again.  I do not believe in murder but I would be so close to that...I do believe that they would send me to prison for it.  So to prevent this from happening, I am so very ticky.  They are not allowed to go to anyone's house overnight except my parents and my in laws.  I will not even let them go to my own sister's house.  I do not trust my BIL enough to hand them off to my sister.  They are not allowed to go to anyone's home I do not know unless I am with them.  They go over to the neighbor's house and they stay outside in the front yard so that I can see them.  They must come back over to our house to use the potty.  No exceptions.  They do not go into a bathroom without me going with them.  With my 3 year old daughter this is not a problem but with my 5 year old son it is.  He is at that age where it is so uncool to go into a girls' bathroom and ohhhh with momma.  How dare I make him go in there and tag along with him.  LOL!  I refuse to let my son come in contact with some of the perverts that walk this earth.  There are several more things that I am very aware of and just very ticky about.  For example, we were at Burger King yesterday.  There was a young guy and his daughter there.  The mother was there but she had left or was not right there when the following took place.  His little girl got up in the playplace and started screaming for daddy.  Well he did what any dad would do and crawled up in there to find her.  HOWEVER, he stayed for quite a long time.  Longer than I was comfortable with.  DD had just come out of the slide and I refused to let her go back up until he came out.  DS was out too and I made him stay out.  There were probably 8 little girls between the ages of 5 and 10 inside the play place where you could not see them at all.  You could not even hear them playing.  I started to panic even though these were not my little girls in there.  These mothers were not even aware that the man had went inside there.  They were chatting it up and not even paying attention.  Somebody could have snatched their child and they would not have realized it until they got ready to leave.  This is how so many children are molested!  It makes me so sick!  You wanna know why there are so many child molesters out there walking the streets.  THIS IS WHY!!!

Okay so on to my personal story.  This is why I am like this.  I think this will probably shock everyone that is my friend on here because I don't think I have shared it with any of you.  I am sharing this because #1 I need to get it off my chest and #2 I want you as mothers to be more aware of what is going on around you.  I hope this will help at least one mother out there realize what could be happening right in front of you.  Also I hope that you would never just write anything like this off even if it is as minor as what I am about to tell you.  First off I was not raped.  I'm sure there would be worse trauma from that for me.  I have ignored the fact that this happened to me for a very long time.  It has been just recently I have realized that I am the way I am about my children because obviously I would never want them to go through what I did or what my sister did at the young age she was.  So here goes:  I was 10 and my sister was 4.  We had a 2nd cousin who was adopted.  We would go over to their house all the time for cookouts.  The layout of the house was very odd.  The master bedroom was right off the living room and the other bedrooms were right off of a larger room.  Anyways I think what happened to my sister happened in *his* bedroom and what happened to me was in the master bedroom.  We were roughousing and he took me and threw me onto the bed.  I was laughing and thought he was just playing.  I was on my stomach.  He then got on my back and held me down and run his hand up into my panties and proceeded to "finger" me.  This was very violating to me because I had never been taught about sex, what boys go through, puberty, NOTHING.  My mom NEVER discussed any of that with me.  I learned it all in sex ed at school.  He was 14 at the time.  Remember this is right inside the bedroom, not even 5 feet from the living room where EVERYONE was sitting.  I will never forget what happened.  I did not tell my mom until my sister said something about boy parts.  *He* had showed her at AGE 4 his genitals and made her touch them.  Then he did to her what he did to me.  I confessed to my mom what he had done to me.  She immediately called my granny.  The reason was because this was my granny's brother's son.  My granny of course immediately called my aunt.  Well, they denied it.  They tried to say that my granny and mom were trying to pick on my cousin because he was adopted.  By the way he was 4 when they adopted him.  They had him in foster care for 2 years.  For two years he was repeatedly sexually molested and physically abused.  Then when they had him in foster care his sorry mother would get him and he would be molested while she had him.  So we were supposedly picking on him.  And my mom done a STUPID STUPID thing!  She backed off and did nothing.  Of course when he was confronted by his mother, he denied it.

NEVER NEVER NEVER as a mother back off of something this serious.  My sister has serious issues from this now.  My sister's self worth is less because of this and my mothering skills are a little hovering I am afraid.  I start to panic if I can't find DS or DD when they are playing and I know there are older kids around...boy or girl.  I am mainly talking about my cousins who have behavioral problems and have been "sent off" because of it.  I absolutely DO NOT trust them. 

I know much worse has happened to so many.  I knew this so I just did not really worry about it.  I was very young so I let it go.  I had to continue to go to cook outs and face him.  He is now happily married after one marriage ended in divorce 3 months after getting married.  The girl told him she was pregnant but had really miscarried before the wedding.  Then he got a girl pregnant out in California while serving in the Marines.  He sees her every so often.  Then he married his high school sweetheart and has two boys.  She has a daughter from a previous marriage.  I feel like he has come a long way.  They are active in church and I believe they are living right.  I forgive him but I have a problem with my mom backing off and not taking up for my sister and I.  I also have a problem with my aunt.  I've never been able to love on her like she loves on me.  I think this is why.

I just pray that I can let this go.  I thank God that I can be aware of things but I just wished that something like this didn't have to happen to make me the way I am.  I pray this post helps one mom.  If it does, then it was worth my time to write this.  I just felt the need to get it out there.  It only takes one time!

[Momof3cuties]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 10:45 PM

Wow Jen....that's a load to get off your chest.  I have been there, sad as it is, it is most often a relative or someone that is trusted.  That makes me sick...and like you...if someone touched my kids...mostly my daughter now that Bartt is grown and Dylan is 16....I dont know what I would do.  The damage that sexual abuse leaves behind...especially by someone you love & trust is life altering..no matter how much counseling you get....it becomes a part of you.  I hate that...I would hate for someone to take that away from my children for their own sick & selfish needs.  I still suffer the after affects of the sexual abuse...it's better but it will never go away...and like you...many suffered worse than what I endured...but its still damaging in so many ways.  I watch everyone like a hawk around my daughter.   She does get to sleep over but only with families I really, really know & trust.  My neighbors who are very close friends of ours and my best friend's house.  I completely trust them...I know that they would NEVER do anything to her, allow anyone to hurt her, etc.  I worry now that Bella is getting older, more sleepovers & partys will come.  It's not going to be easy to let her do anything.  You are not alone....just want you to know that.  (((hugs)))

[Ktbodin0479]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 11:24 PM

Jen, I am so the same way...I don't like my kids to be alone with my little brother ever since he became a teenager...you just don't put your kids in these kinds of situations...we are all human and make mistakes.  And teenagers absolutely cannot be trusted.  Don't beat yourself down...educate your kids with age appropriate correct touching education and know that you are protecting them. 

[Ktbodin0479]

Jun. 2, 2009 at 11:25 PM

BTW, I am so glad you wrote this....I know it got a lot off your chest and mind...and you will be better in the long run for it!

[jeng1980]

Jun. 3, 2009 at 11:19 AM

Thanks for the comments girls!  I feel lots better after I got it off my chest.

(Original Poster)

[mommyheymommy]

Jun. 13, 2009 at 12:53 PM

I also was molested as a 9 & 10 year old child, by my former bil.  I am the exact same way with my kids.  I don't call it fear.  I call it caution.

[Mama_McD]

Jun. 22, 2009 at 2:13 AM

Hey Jen, I know you wrote this awhile ago but I just now got around to reading it.  I am very sorry for what happened to you and your sister, and unfortunatley, many ladies share a similar story.  I was touched innapropriatley by an older man who my mom had asked to babysit my brother and I.  He was married, in his 60's, and active in his church, and my parents thought he was just this "Great Guy".  I am really picky about who I let watch my kids, and it's not fair that we have to be so cautious, suspicious, and untrusting as parents but we do what we feel we have to do to protect our kids!

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope it helped you to get it off your chest and I hope it helps other moms to be aware of who is around their kids.  Children who have been molested or sexually abused, like your cousin, while they are victims, they should still be monitored around other children because they are very likely to do something to other children since it was done to them.  It is sad that they are so sexually aware, but they lack the inhibitions and understanding to control themselves.