It's been almost a year and I think I'm falling in love....

[WindyTheWidow]

Next Saturday will make a year since my husband died in an automobile accident. A week after that our son will turn nine months old. I look back on the blur my life has been during the past twelve months and I find it all hard to believe. I can still remember every detail of his face, every mark, mole and scar on his body, his scent, his voice, his touch, the way he hugged, the way he kissed, the way he smiled.....as if I could ever forget. I guess it surprises me because he's not here and yet I can remember him like a vision sitting right next to me. I have entered this surreal state that I don't completely trust. I'm not the hysterical mess I thought I would be. Am I numb? I'm not sure. Am I truly this satisfied and happy with my life right now? I honestly think so. If my life has taught me one thing, though, it's that just when I think things are going great someone is waiting around the corner to pull the rug out from underneath me and laugh as I fall. Speaking of falling.........I think I've fallen in love with another man. Now isn't that a strange idea? This time last year I was six months pregnant and looking forward to living the life I'd dreamed of with my husband and our son, less than a year later he's dead (I still hate that word) and me and our infant son are living with another man that I would marry tomorrow. How did that happen? Oh, now, well that is a long and convoluted story... I was all set to relocate to a new rental house that would allow me to work in town when the Tuesday before the move I was told that the house was no longer an option and I couldn't move in. The man in my life, DC, had already asked me to move in, not for romantic reasons, but for practical ones, about two weeks prior and I declined. Knowing my budding feelings for him I didn't want to put myself in a position to play house because I knew I would be unable to separate myself from my emotions and would easily fall into a role more befitting a wife than a roomate. Well, when the other house was no longer an option, moving in with DC seemed to be the only reasonable choice unless I wanted to move in with my MIL. (Sorry, but absolutely would never do) Before assumptions are made let me explain that I have my own room and we BOTH have agreed to no sex before marriage. DC was there for me the night my DH died, he was there in the weeks afterwards, he took me to the hospital and has been there ever since. I entertained the idea of a possible relationship with him way before my heart opened up................

I found this in my drafts from back in June. It has been over 15 months now, our son turned one last Saturday, and I have most certainly fallen in love. In fact, I am getting married next month.We still haven't had sex and I am very much looking forward to our wedding night together. I never thought my bruised heart would have the capacity to feel this way again. A year ago I was sitting at home with a newborn wondering what would become of us and how I could possibly go on with my life. I can look back on my life and see God's hand through it all. Even when I didn't want Him there. David (DC) and I actually dated in highschool, before I was ever with Lee, the man that would become my husband and ultimately leave me widowed. We were so young, I was 14 and he was 17. On our first Valentine's Day together he gave me a promise ring. I kept it throughout all of these years and returned it to him this past Valentine's Day and told him if he ever gave it back to me I would take it seriously. Well, he used that ring to propose to me this past Sunday night. I can't remember what I've disclosed in previous journals but David was/is (I'm never sure what tense to use) Lee's first cousin. They grew up like brothers. We've received the blessing of the entire family and sought them out to talk about it individually before David ever proposed. I turned my life over to God and this is what He's done for me. He's provided me with a man that loves me in a way that I've never felt before, He's opened up my heart and allowed it to swell with love again, and He's given my son a man that loves him as if he's his very own. In the midst of the suffering, in the middle of the pain, God had a plan. My heart will never be wound free, the scars still exist, the fears are there, but I do my best to keep them where they belong, tucked away in the recesses of my mind, covered in prayer. I will not live my life trapped by my past, trapped by the "what-if's" and "why-come's?" I disregard the nagging voice that whispers it could happen again and warns me of the dangers of loving again. I want to waste no time in continuing my relationship with David.  I know all too well that we are not promised tomorrow and I want to enjoy the life that God has gifted me with whether I have 5 more days, 5 more years, or 50........Very soon WindyTheWidow will become WindyTheWife!

[elijahmom]

Sep. 24, 2009 at 8:59 PM

that is great. i wish you all the happiness in the world.

[LYNDELOU]

Sep. 24, 2009 at 9:16 PM

Windy~ You have the right to be happy , your son has the right to another man being his father ( No I am NOT saying not remember Lee , or to not tell Zander about his "real father )! What I mean is YOU do not have to live lonely and without another love in your life just because Lee has passed away!

I know that, that may sound harsh , or cold or whatever , BUT you must continue to live YOUR life , and if David is the one that NOW makes you happy , feel loved, feel special , then it's David that YOU should be with!

You will ALWAYS remember your time with Lee ( you do have a child by/with him )!!  :-)  How could you forget Right?

I also think that Lee would be Okay with your decision...

I wish you love, peace and lots of happiness in your new beginning of married life once again....

And WindyTheWife sounds so much more like living then WTW ~ She sounds happy to me in our private messages ( yep I know I still have one the respond too...LOL..Sorry slow today! )

Congratulations one your upcoming wedding!

Love And Hugs!!!

[iluvmybabe]

Sep. 24, 2009 at 9:17 PM

awesome

[Mommy2aQT]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 10:53 AM

When did you update this??  WOwee!  Congrats!!  How wonderful!

[WindyTheWidow]

Sep. 25, 2009 at 8:41 PM

Well, the latter half of the Journal was made yesterday. I found the first half floating in my drafts where I'd forgotten it.

(Original Poster)

[ShamrockMommy2]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 12:19 AM

Congratulations!!!!!!! I wish all 3 of you (you, DC, and Zander) the very best life has to offer!

[auntj]

Sep. 29, 2009 at 12:35 PM

This is definatley a good thing! Charlie has been gone 10 years today. I have moved on. I just remarried in April to a man who understands the feeling of loss and how to let me handle it my way. David is a lucky man to have you!