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he called
- Jun 3, 2009 at 8:01 PM
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- Comments (7) Total Views (276) Everyone can see this journal post.
Two days agio after i posted the videos of Mana and Ela here,i thought...maybe I will post one on koshari's myspace.My last communication with him i told him i wasn't going to write to him again until he could show me some love and respect and when he was ready he knew where to find me.After about 2 weeks...i was beginning to feel like a drug addict or somehting...wanting to write to him but also wanting to not back peddle.So when i thought of the video it occurred to me well,i'm not WRITING to him!And i knew that he would be so stoked to see ela and mana.So i did,and the next morning right after i dropped off Ela at preschool he called.he wanted to talk to Ela but i toldhim she was at school,so he asked to talk to Mana.before i handed Mana the phone koshari said he would call after school to talk to Ela and Kua.Mana told him what was going on in his way,and then abruptly shut the phone.Since he called from a restricted number i couldn't call back.Rive rhad to leave for the physical therpiats so i had to get the car back to him,but the reception was crappy so i missed it when koshari called back,but he did leave a messgae and siad he would call at three.I didn't tell the kids..but was anxiously waiting all day to see if he would call...and he didn't.i decided to post another video of Mana with the doggies since Meadow was his dog.Honestly,when he called yesterday i was almsot glad i couldn't talk to him more,because i just don't know what to say.The therpaist said if i talk to him to just keep it positive,he knows how i feel about his choice and no point in bringing it up again.I am trying so hard to be in the moment,keep getting my work done etc...but it is so hard after he calls.
so sure enough he called again this morning on my way back form dropping the kids at school.he asked me to keep sending videos..he was really happy to see the kids.I just listened(he's working making 15 dollars an hr,buying 600 dollar surf boards,getting really good at surfing.he said alot of things...that he wants to come back for a visit,but he can't really live his dreams here(surfing,skating).I just didn't even know what to say.I acn't even get into it all right now..not sure why i'm writing when i have so much work to do.He asked me what was happneing here,i told him basically the same.I'm thinking "yeah...it would really suck for him to come back here.We are broke,struggling so much,stressed "of course i want him to...he was trying to get me to share more and i told him i honestly was afriad to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.he told me he wanted to hear whatver i had to say...and i reminded him the last time he called he said the same thing and ended up hanging up on me.I told him of course i want him to come back,i miss him and love him...but i just don't know about coming for a visit.that he can't just come back and then up and leave when he feels like it.He said he really wants to see the kids,but i told him i dodn't know if that would even be a good thing for kua/Kua is REALLY having a hard time with the whole situation.He broke down last night and said he is so angry and ends up being mean to people around him,even though he doesn't want to and knows it isn't nice.I can totally relate.
So the bottom line is Koshari feels so torn...he wants to be with us,and his Dad.He ended up crying saying its not fair that he has to make a cjhoice adn i agreed with him.I told him when people have a child,whether they stay together or not,you need to compromise and work together to do what is best for the child.I told him again that his dad has had,and continues to have a choice in this.he can go to court and try and get custody..to try and do this the right way.That all i have ever done is try and do the best thing for Koshari,even when that wasn't the best thing for me personally.that having a child isn't about doing what is most convenient for you.Anyway...enough rambling.I am trying to sort out my feelings before he calls again.I don't want to tell him no don't come for a visit...but i also feel like he can't just come and go as he pleases.I told him how hard it is for me to not have anyway to contcat him and when i reassured him i wouldn't call the cops,he did give me their cell number.Iam praying for clarity in this.I feel how torn and conflcietd he is.When he asked to talk to Mana this morning,mana only talked for a second and handed me the phone,and koshari was still talking.It sounded like he was crying and he was saying to mana how much he love shim and misses him
he just called when i was writing that last sentence.he only talked to Kua for a second cause he didn't have good reception.said he would call back....
Comments:
It sounds like he is coming around some. Thank goodness. I am sorry that you have conflicting emotions, but it sure sounds like this is a step in the right direction for him.
Big hugs for all of you Mama.
He is feeling it, he is feeling the love for his family and the sadness at being apart. This is wonderful, stardove. And I am so glad he gave you that cell phone number! He still has trust in you....remember that (in spite of the mixed stuff and the angry stuff, that core is there and it means he must know you/your intentions) when you doubt that things will "ever" change. It won't always be this way.
I always thought maybe he could come home once he/you reached an understanding that he could make arrangements to see his dad, to have that relationship restored but still be home with you. I thought maybe that would be how it could work; that he went to a tremendous extreme to get to that point, and that would be the ultimate resolution. (With, of course, lots of issues to resolve before feelings are all "resolved" about how it went down, etc.)
It sounds like it is more complicated (access to surfing, etc.) for him in terms of location and choices, and what he's considering. But he still wants that contact going both ways, not to lose you and his family in having Jamey.
I'm sure Kua still could have anger issues ("visiting" wouldn't necessarily fix or resolve his feelings) but that might not mean he shouldn't see Koshari. (Especially if you could work toward a more permanent/regular situation or arrangement.) Are you sure it wouldn't be good for him?
I am so sorry for all the conflicted feelings, the great effort of censoring yourself/walking on eggshells, the detachment....hard to find things to say because of it, fear of what "compromise" might mean, resentment about being forced into that position, emotional fallout from the shock loss worry, etc. That's all real, too, and hard to experience & also to work through.
But I am so happy that your baby is making overtures, mama. Have faith and lead with your love for him.
Sounds like his heart is winning over his mind. He loves you all so much. I'm sure it is killing him to be away from his siblings this long. I'm not sure weather the visit is a good idea either, and only you will know deep inside what the right answer to that is. I hope you do get some clarity, and are able to make your choice without a lot of heartache. I'm also so happy that you got his cell number.. and struggling or not, mama, LOVE overcomes all things... and I know you are a kindly mama with a lot of love in your heart! I'm also sending some more LOVE and many many hugs your way!! <3
oh i have to second what amy said- all of it!!!! it is great to hear this, mama. it's great to hear that he has made contact with you. that connection will never break, no matter how skinny the string gets stretched at times..... you are his mama, and he will always be your baby.
about the visit idea.... follow your heart on that one, but i think i would talk a lot about it first. i agree it is wise to consider kua a lot in that one, it may be hard on him, but if it was something that could happen regularly, maybe it would also be really beneficial. if it were me, i would want to address the way he left before, in anger, and make sure he understands that you are not inviting him to visit for some undefined period of time to leave when he gets tired of stuff or can't deal with emotions. you expect him to be a reasonable guest, with a reasonable length of visit determined beforehand, so everyone (esp kua) knows what to expect and when, and the end of the visit is not just him deciding he's had enough and is leaving angry again. talk a lot about it first- how long could he visit for and not feel that anger? could he manage to stay cool for a week? if not, mayeb a shorter visit. etc. just do a lot of thinking about what you could agree to, and what would make a visit ok or not ok for you, for kua, etc. and invite him to think of these things too. even if it ended up that he broke those agreements (and left in anger again, for example), having your needs and expectations stated up front would still be a good thing. what does river think?
oh i can't imagine all the emotions you must be walking through right now in all of this..... big hugs to you today.
just saw your post in FC about this...just wanted to offer you encouragement...baby steps mama....
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Meet Cymbeline
This Pennsylvania mom of three is a big fan of the band The Cranberries, loves to eat seafood and enjoys spending time with her family at Knoebel's amusement park.
wow sweetie idk wat to tell you im in a spot right now too but i have not had the guts to leave yet i admire ur strength keep ur head up high ull get through it i wish i had ur strength. if you need to talk hit me up
- florezitta10
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