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Im not going to give up my baby
- Jun 6, 2009 at 10:10 AM
- By Anonymous
- Comments (6) Total Views (182) Everyone can see this journal post.
When Blake and I first found out I was pregnant we had only been dating/talking for 4 months. Abortion was out of the question being how I had already had one at a younger age and it weighed heavy on me still to this day and will forever. It was a mistake and I know it. We talked about giving this baby up for adoption. He's a christian and believes that a child should be raised in a 2 parent home. He works for the Army as a Ranger so there isnt much time in his schedule to raise a baby and i lost my job in Jan. and haven't been able to land another one since...and now im in my 5th month so its become impossible. We talked about adoption, then ruled it out after going to 2 dr. appt.s and seeing the baby on u/s. I decided to try to see about getting a job and moving to Columbus (where he's at and about an hour away) I even went on an interview there. I would have to be leaving my 2 children in w.r. for the '09-'10 school year because that is where my daughter has been going to school and is in the gifted program. All of her friends are there and she's at the critical age of 10 :P where friends are very important. My son would be easier to adapt but if one goes they both go and I decided that if I moved they would stay with their dad for that school year. Blake will be getting out of the Army the following year and has plans to move to Orlando/Daytona area...go to bike mechanic school and would like to own his own shop in Daytona one day. I would also be following him there with the baby so we could all stay close together and that's when my 2 kids would be coming with me. I would not be able to be that far away from them. Sierra would have to start a new middle school in FL. Well, all the idea of moving my kids around like that and taking them away from their dad is what brought up the idea of adoption again. Now he is deployed and thinking more and more about this and is leaning more and more towards adoption. He's already talked to his family about it and his sister and brother in law have said that they would take the baby. I havent said either yes or no to adoption just yet till yesterday when I got an email in the morning from Blake where he was asking me what I thought about it he had been wanting to talk to me about it but their phones have been down and couldnt so he sent me an email to at least let me know that it was on his mind...and I had a breakdown right there and cried all day...then that night he was able to call me and we talked about it more on the phone...and once again I had a breakdown. yes, the situation is not an ideal one because now I know that he has no intentions of us ever being together in one home raising this baby...we will be doing it from separate homes...even if I was to move to Columbus. And moving my kids all around would not be the best thing to do to them.
So, at about 3 am this morning I woke up with the decision to stay in Warner Robins (to be with my children and keep them in the place where they have been since 2 & 4...now 8 &10)....have the baby...keep the baby...get back on my feet with a job and a place to live. I can stay with some friends till i do this. i work as an accountant and also do freelance bookkeeping and am also entertaining the idea of an at home day care so I can be with my children. My children are the world to me. I know that Blake wants to be close to his baby too but im done sacrificing my life to make his better. Instead of agreeing to adopt out this baby maybe he will agree to just letting the mother of this baby raise this baby and till he moves to Fl. he can come see the baby anytime he wants to. Maybe he will change HIS plans so that HE can be closer to his child when he is out of the Army! Its time for me to stop worrying about making everyone else happy and do what's best for me and my children. I just cant live with the pain of giving a child up for adoption when there is no reason i cant raise a healthy happy child. Im a great mom, I love my kids...they want for nothing, I have always been able to provide for my kids up till recently being laid off (and once this baby is born I can fix that too). This is just a temporary situation of being without a job...I'll work 2 jobs if I have to to be able to provide for my children. I just cant validate giving one up because it would be better off in a 2 parent home.
I hope to find true love one day....someone who I can love and who will love me back...when I do find that I will be holding on for dear life. I dont want to be alone anymore. I was married at a young age for 6 years (where my children came from) and then soon after in a long term relationship for 5 years with the wrong person. So since I was 19 ive been in a relationship and felt like I needed some freedom...well, i got that...its been almost 2 years now and ive learned alot. Im ready to be with someone and give my heart to that person and be with that person for the rest of my life...this is what I want. Miss Independent is waving the white flag...now i'll just be waiting for an amazing man who doesn't mind that I already have 3 children to come along :)
Tags: adoption, birthmoms, single parent
Comments:
Reading this made me very sad. The one thing you cannot give your baby is the unconditional love and constant presence of its daddy, and that is very important in the life of any child. I hope you have someone in your life who will be willing to try to fill this manly hole.
I applaud you for doing what is right for you and your children and not letting some man chose for you! There is nothing wrong with you keeping the baby and raising him/her as a single mom at all. If he wants to be a father he will find a way to move down to you and make it work, if not, then the baby is probably better without him. Trust me they may be a little hard to find sometimes but their are guys out there who would love to be your children's father. My best friend got married a few years ago, and she came with FOUR kids. You sound like a wonderful mom and their are men who find that attractive. If you ever need to talk sometime feel free to send me a message! Voting your post popular ;-)
NannyB
While love and support from a father is important the baby will be just fine without. Sometimes their better without the father. Trust me, I know, I would've been a lot better without my father if my mother had left him earlier!
Your journal post made me cry. I cannot ever imagine what you were going through. Choosing life for your little angel is the blessing! You are a strong person who followed your heart and did what you felt was best for you and your little one.
Good for you! You are absolutely right, your position is temporary and adoption is a permanent solution. Don't let anyone talk you into losing him. Be strong..you CAN do it.
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Baby those men are out there, but love you first. I can understand I would not give up my child either to make it easier for some guy to move on with his life without strings. You can do this, with God's help and a lot of help from loving supportive family and friends you can.