True parenting in a time of downsizing

[yogapantz]

LINK

BY MICHAEL ROSENBERG • FREE PRESS COLUMNIST

· June 1,

Recently, my wife and I made the very difficult decision to lay off one of our children. Of course we did not want to do this to a "member of the family," but the fact is that when we decided to have two kids, we were living in a different economy.

Before making this decision, we looked at different business models to keep both kids. What if we reduced them both to part-time? It was a great idea, in theory. We had a plan to keep our daughter on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, our son on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and -- I thought this was really generous -- both of them on Sundays.

We tried it for a few days. But it proved untenable. One night, as I was tucking my daughter into bed, she looked me in the eyes and said, "Daddy, will you stay with me for a few minutes?"

"I would love to, sweetheart," I said, "but it is the end of your shift."

I won't go into detail on her reaction. Suffice it to say she was unprofessional.

We attempted, on a trial basis, to have the kids pay for their own health care. But we had to nix that plan when our daughter made her first payment in pine cones and pretend pancakes. Clearly, she did not understand the gravity of the situation.

We had to lay off a kid. But which one? Our 3-year-old daughter has seniority, but our 5-month-old son is more cost-efficient.

One night, our son released some toxic assets on his changing table, and we decided he would be the one to leave. But the next day, our daughter totally squandered our remaining grilled-cheese resources, and we were undecided again.

On a recent Wednesday night -- between my daughter's shift and my son's shift -- we broke the news to the kids: One of them had to go. We told them both to wait by their Fisher-Price phone at 9 a.m. the next day.

I'm proud to say they handled the news as well as could be expected -- the younger one was napping and did not hear the phone ring, and the older one answered it and asked if she could order kung pao chicken. This told me we had raised them well, right up until the very end.

When I told a friend what we had done, she asked me, point-blank: "How can you sleep at night?" I told her I can't, but frankly, I haven't exactly slept a whole lot since we had kids anyway. So that's kind of a wash.

I'll admit there have been moments when I wondered if we made the correct decision. But true parenting is not always about doing the easy thing; it is about doing the right thing.

Sure, we could have kept going with the four-person model -- the one we had dreamed of, talked about and carefully planned before Lehman Brothers collapsed. But what would that accomplish? Maybe it would buy us six months. Then we'd be right back in the same position, except that our son would know our names and our daughter would be old enough to remember this when she reaches adulthood. We were better off cutting our losses and moving on.

Out of respect for the privacy of our former child, I can't say which one we laid off. What's important is that our family's future looks brighter already -- we are a smaller, leaner and (alas) still-hungry operation. But we're going to miss that kid, and we sincerely hope things work out, wherever (s)he ends up.

[yogapantz]

Jun. 6, 2009 at 1:55 PM

Please note: this is a satirical article written by someone else. That's why I put in a link and a byline. Please don't go gettin' all silly, accusing me of being a crappy mom or threatening to turn me in to CPS for my "abuse".

(Original Poster)

[abouttownmom]

Jun. 6, 2009 at 3:02 PM

Funny. I loved it! I might consider laying some of mine off!

[DivaG]

Jun. 8, 2009 at 3:03 AM

I will not be laying off either of my children. We have worked out a system whereby the pay for their positions in our organization by working. They will gain their freedom when they have turned 18 and paid off any remaining debt, alternatively that they show that their future income prospects will be sufficient to support me in a manner to which I would like to become accustomed when I retire. Yes, I know that indentured servitude is illegal, but it's better than the alternative in the article.

[mkagdchcetdy]

Jun. 8, 2009 at 5:49 AM

Loved it! Thanks for the laughter

[mancosmomma]

Jun. 8, 2009 at 7:26 PM

My kids both took pay cuts to keep their positions, while increasing the amount of duties.  They also got stuck with one week unpaid vacation (went to grandma's) but should be back to work tomorrow morning. 

Thanks for the giggle!