Let's Talk About Sex.

[rainfalls]

 In our society today there are so many (and I mean MANY) cases of teen pregnancy's and surprised (I hate saying unwanted) pregnancy's. I remember in school we had a lady come from Planned Parenthood to show us nasty pictures of what STD's can cause, and how important it is to have protected sex... she ALSO preached about abstinence. She even handed out cards for you to personally sign to pledge that you would stay a virgin until you were married; it was even for 'secondary virgins'.

In my oppinon, preaching about abstinence is unrealistic, and for this type of discussion we really need to leave religion out of it. From the time I was little I promised myself I would save myself until I was truly in love... not until I was married. Of course, I always told myself it would be nice but even as a young kid I knew it was unrealistic. My mom never preached about abstinence, but told me the importance of birth control and how sex was the act of love. So I thought to myself I shouldn't experience that act of love until I am in love... so my plan was to do just that...

Well to really open myself up on a subject I have kept a secret for the past six years I think it's time to start talking about it. The summer of '04 (I was 16), I became invovled with an older boy who was more (WAY MORE) experienced than me. The farthest I had even gone with a boy was kissing. He constantly pressured me to have sex with him, or to give him oral sex. I wasn't into it at all, and I hated the feel of being pressured; I even felt pressured by friends. My friends were experimenting with boys, and even having sex. It just wasn't for me, and I kept reminding myself of how special I wanted that moment to be; I wanted to be in love, I wanted candles, soft music, the works! I kept telling this boy that I wasn't ready, and I continuously told him no to all of his 'invites'. Well, I got dumped. I was heart broken... I was dumped because I wouldn't give him wanted he wanted; sex.

After I got over this boy I moved on to another. We went out on a date one night and he had asked if I wanted to go over to his house to watch a movie. I really liked the guy, and I didn't want to get dumped, you know? I first asked if his parents were home because I knew that was a rule with my family, and I knew I would feel uncomfortable if there wasn't any parentals around... He told me yes. So even though it was almost past my curfew I said yes. I knew I would get in trouble with my parents, but I really wanted this guy to like me. So I went over there, and I remember there being no one home; I immediately felt uncomfortable. He then took me to his room which was down in the basement. I remember feeling sick to my stomach as he was taking me down there. Looking back I really wish I would have listened to my gut instinct, but I fought it because I wanted this piece of shit of a guy to like me.

The worst happened, and I was raped; date raped to be exact. Did I press charges? No, I tried but being threatened mutiple times by him and his friends that they would make my life a living hell if I were to go through with it scared the living hell out of me. So I lied and called everything off. The police and detectives called me and called me to help them out to press charges; I had strong evidence that I was raped, but I couldn't go through with it. This man took everything that was important from me. I completely let him control my way of thinking, and the sad part is for the next five years I believed that it was my fault. It was just something I wanted to complete avoid and forget.

My life turned completely around. I jumped onto a wild and crazy rollarcoaster. I started partying heavily, and binge sex-ing (ha, its my name for it, but it means that I had sex.. a lot). I just felt like I was worth nothing, and my self esteem was shot. I seriously had the mentality that the only way to get a guy to like me was to give him sex, but it did nothing but destroy my reputation. I literally couldn't feel anything; I was so completely numb.

So, what about in cases like mine? What about tramatic offenses that happen that causes someone to binge sex?... I still wasn't very well educated on what I was doing. I was constantly getting checked, and using the plan B pill like it was a birth control. It was just driving me nuts.

After abusing sex and alcohol for a year I stopped. I told myself that I would no longer give myself away to anyone unless I was in love. I started noticing that every time I had sex with someone I lost a part of myself. It just made me feel even worse than I already did everytime.

Then it happened; I fell in love (what I thought was love). I gave myself to him, and for the first time I felt something; it didn't feel like abuse, it felt like love. I was so incredibly happy. Now, I took birth control every single day, BUT I wasn't even aware that you had to take it at the same time everyday. We didn't use condoms because I was on birth control; I thought that was enough. Well, I got pregnant; I was 18.

To make an extremely long story short the boyfriend became a complete jerk (including his family) because I wanted to keep and raise my baby. I was so (and still am) incredibly, undoubtably in love with my little boy. He is the best part of me, and he seriously made me want better things for myself. The moment I was told I was pregnant I grew up. I understood what was important in life, and where I needed to be.

During my pregnancy I was pressured to place my son up for adoption when it wasn't an option by my son's father, his family, and my dad. Because I said no, my ex started cheating on me, and verbally abusing the crap out of me. His family cut me off and told me I was no longer welcomed in there home (discluding his father and step mom - they were nice). His family went so far as to send his aunt (his mom's sister) to my house to talk to me about adoption after I repeatidly told them no. They were incredibly disrespectful, and had zero sympathy towards my feelings.

The farther I got along, the more I became scared. I didn't have financial support what so ever. I had no idea how I was going to take care of my child and give him everything he needed with my income. I knew I had to go back to school so that I could support myself and my child. I knew that if I were to work AND go to school that I would never be able to see my baby. My mom and step-dad were willing to help out with picking him up from day care and watching him until I either got out of work/school. I did NOT want my child having to go from here to here, from here to there. I knew the importance of having a steady routine and consistency... Two things I knew I wouldn't be able to provide my child with a work and school schedule. His father was going completely downhill, and it scared the living crap out of me to think of him being alone with our son. I don't want to go into details, but I felt a strong need to protect my son from him. I hate admitting that, because I do not want E to think poorly of his biological father. I do NOT want people to think he is a bad person because he isn't... he just makes poor choices and lives a poor life style.

You have to understand... my son is the most important thing in my life. I would do absolutely anything for him... even place him up for adoption when deep down in my heart it wasn't what I wanted, but I knew it was what was best for him. I decided when I was eight months pregnant to place him up for adoption. There was no way I would be able to place him with a couple I didn't know, so I asked my mom and step-dad. I got lucky and they said yes.

I had no idea about the affects of what placing my son up for adoption would have on me, or my son in the long run. I thought what everybody around me thought, adoption is a beautiful thing.  I believed it was a win-win situation.  After joining support groups for birth mothers, adoptees, and adoptive mothers I have learned an enormous amount of information I wish I would have known before I made my decision. I felt lied to by society, because in no way shape or form is adoption a win-win situation; nor is it a beautiful thing.  It's a loss; an extremely big loss. 

I suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome that caused severe depression, suicidal ideation, horrific nightmares that were always about me losing my son in some way, mood swings, anger, etc. I wasn't prepared for any of this, and I didn't know how to handle it. At one point I was getting two to three hours of sleep a night because of my nightmares. I thought I was going crazy... I wasn't myself at all. I remember even getting called in to talk to my boss about what was going on with me. I just broke down and told her everything. I lied about putting my son up for adoption for a year because I was terrified of how people would react, and it was a nice fantasy to have. I loved being able to talk about him, but the only way I felt I could was to lie. It was the most difficult/confusing time in my entire life.

Also, adoption has caused a pretty big strain on my relationship with my parents, we do get along fairly well, but when it comes to my issues with E or the adoption it does cause tension; at least on my end. We have come such a long way in the past two years, and we are becoming more open about issues that surface, but it still is very challenging. E will know he's adopted, and that I'm his birth mother, but how he handles it is up to him. I believe he will handle it very well if I'm ok. I do not want him to take on guilt for me being bent out of shape over placing him up for adoption. I've been working really hard in therapy to get past my decision and how the adoption affects me. It's tough, but I want to be in a 'good place' for when the time comes when he needs me. I want to be 100% healthy. I know this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life, I can't get rid of that. I know I will have times where I'll have a hard time, but I want to be in a place where I can handle it better. I just have to do this for him.

I firmly believe that if we're going to be teaching sex ed, we need to be teaching them about how big of an impact (negative) that both adoption and abortion can have on a person; including the child. As much as adoption has been so incredibly wonderful for families who cannot conceive, people also need to be aware of the traumatic affects it can have on the birth family. I'm not saying people shouldn't chose adoption, but they need to be educated and prepared for placing their child up for adoption. I speak with my son's biological father occasionally, and even though he wanted to place him up for adoption it is something he regrets tremendously. I sometimes believe he has taken the whole situation a lot harder than me, but we both agree that this is what is best for our son.

[Lb128f]

Jun. 6, 2009 at 8:24 PM

Thanks for posting this. I think there are people who can be helped by others sharing their story like you've done here. I'm sorry you went through all you did to get to this point...but, it's clear that you have gained so much in the process. And, you are still learning and growing and accepting...that's a good thing! :-) I know YOUR son will respect and appreciate all you have done and continue to do to be a good MOM to him!

[Jacemom]

Jun. 7, 2009 at 8:51 AM

This has many great points. I too think that we need to be realistic in our teaching. Yes it would be great if our children were abstinent, but that is not realistic. We need to teach them why we should wait and how it will affect their lives.

[onethentwins]

Jun. 7, 2009 at 12:27 PM

You've really bared your soul on this one.

I totally agree with you about the only teaching the religious aspect of abstinence. What if the child decides he doesn't believe in God, then he's not prepared for all the other ramifications of having sex. I firmly believe in sex education and making birth control easily and cheaply available.

You are also right about adoption not being the win-win situation it is sold as. Society needs to know that raising a baby at a young age might not ruin her life, but giving her baby up for adoption just might.

[mambahowell]

Jun. 7, 2009 at 1:45 PM

I am going to be so open and honest with my daughter when she's older, about sex! I didn't get that with my mom since she waited for marriage and probably just assumed I would too.

Thanks for telling it like it is. :)

[contriteheart]

Jun. 17, 2009 at 8:27 AM

Thank you so much for sharing all this! I totally empathize with so much of your story. I can't type much now because I have to go to work, but hopefully we can chat soon. You are on point girl!