Prolly goodbye for a lil bit

[NaterbugsMom]

 So today is my last day at work, presumably until September providing I actually get an offer letter from this new company and can return after my FML.  We don't have 'net at home, so I don't know how often I'll be getting to the local library to use the internet with a newborn and 6yo during the summer, so we shall see. 

I am due the 18th, but am having a c-section this Thursday, the 11th which the baby will probably hang in there for as I was told I hadn't dilated yet at all Friday (which doesn't necessarily mean anything of course!)  I will KIT as much as possible.  Definitely looking forward to getting some pix put up. 

Mia - give ya a ring ASAP ;o)  Thanks fo reverything, mama.

......................

My heart still hurts tremendously for Gabriel.  I talk to him DAILY and say my prayers nightly (which I haven't done in FOREVER) holding a picture of my angelic baby boy.  Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready and my best response is yes, physically.  Today, one of my students asked me WTH that meant and so I told him that I'd lost one of my little loves in February.  So physically, my body is more than ready to drop its load, while mentally, emotionally, spiritually... I am still torn.  I have yet to wash any clothing or bedding.  I have YET to decide whether or not to get a new carseat or use Gabe's convertible one.  Thankfully the crib and combo/hutch of Gabe's is a long time away from being needed (well, ok, the CRIB anyway!), but maybe something as trivial as the carseat will give me some indication of how I will feel transferring Gabriel's *old* stuff to someone else.

Jeff and I were talking last night about being ready or not and he understands how I feel.  I don't want Gabe, as silly as it may sound, to feel as if I am replacing him.  As if I somehow love or want this baby more than I did/do him.  I'd die to bring that little boy back.  We still haven't heard a peep from the M.E. as to cause of his death.  Which is devastating to say the least.  How am i NOT supposed to panic with this new child?

Just between us, I'm terribly afraid that I will compare this child.  That's why I've prayed so hard that it be a girl.  Something TOTALLY different.  In every way I can possibly remember, Gabriel, his birth, everything.. was perfect!  I recovered faster, took little to no pain medication, he took to nursing without any of the pain I felt with Nate, he teethed great (so did Nate, thank God!), no earaches.... everything was just perfect.  It dawned on me today that God made him maybe a little TOO perfect for earth.  I don't know how else to feel.

A friend told me that God felt he was just too special to go through something that was destined to be in his future, and that's why He took him away from me.  Sometimes I like to think that. Mostly, I just hurt.

A few people have commended me, flatteringly thinking that I am coping well.  I'm not.  Though I do appreciate the vote of confidence.  I still fall apart constantly, though I try hard to be alone when I do.  I'm scared to death to love another baby. 

Anyway, I'm going to switch gears really quickly and end this.  Just wanted to let a few good friends know that I will be thinking about you and will get back in touch ASAP.  <3  Thanks for always being you and giving it to me straight.

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