She made me cry!

[Kenre]

I am so upset. I had my weekly therapy appointment on Monday morning. It was cold (less than 50 degrees outside) and raining. I also haven't finished my maternity dress yet (hand sewing takes a while, but I am almost done.) The washing machines in the building have been occupied for the past few days, so I only had one dress clean. It was my Jamaican dress, and I know that I don't quite fit in when wearing that one. DH hates that dress too. Minnesota is just not weather for the desert dresses I own (or the Jamaican one MIL gave me last summer which is the one I was wearing.)

So, anyway, it was cold and raining so underneath my dress I was wearing my pants to keep my legs warm. I had on a turtle neck underneath the dress to keep my arms warm, and my shawl to cover my head from the cold rain. I always cover my feet as well, so I was wearing my socks with my sandals (my feet are too swollen for my tennis shoes.) I was wearing what I had left that still fit me. I know I probably looked silly being in a cover dress with pants, sandals in socks, and a turtle neck, but I was trying to be warm. This winter I was unable to afford, find, or even make winter dresses so this is how I dressed all winter long. I didn't leave my house often, and I didn't care what others thought because at least I was being modest, a woman, and warm.

Well, at the end of my session with her she asked me, "Do you ever feel the need to dress like your age?" I told her I was confused by the question. She said, "You have enough time later to dress like an old lady in long skirts and covering your head. Don't you ever feel like opening up a magazine and dressing like women your age dress?" I was thrown and for that one second I started crying. I mean, I fought with MIL all last year about me wearing my dresses. I fought with DH about it just recently too. So, I was thinking, 'Here's a woman who is supposed to be helping me right now cope with life while pregnant, poor, and in a lot of stressful situations... and she is ganging up on me too!'

I tried to explain why I wear dresses. I tried to explain it, but she kept countering it with explanations on why it's wrong. She said that I had no religious reasons (which is true) and that I can be modest wearing today's fashions. I didn't have to "hide" myself. She also told me I had low self esteem and it shows in the way I dress. Now I do admit to not liking myself right now, but that is because I'm fighting inside a war with my past and what everyone says I should be as a modern woman today. All of my issues have nothing to do with the way I dress. I told her I don't need others telling me I'm pretty to know that I am. She countered that too.

Then she hit me where it hurt... she used my son against me. She said, "Do you really want to embarrass him later when he attends school?" ...no... I would never hurt my children... I don't ever want them to feel embarrassed to be seen with me. Then I thought about my DH and how he's probably embarrassed to be seen with me too. They are my only world left and I never want to hurt them... How come wearing dresses, and covering my body is considered a taboo in our society? How come it's considered harmful to those around me because I don't want to be hit on by other men, or "oogled" for my figure? How am I even hurting them by being conservative and not out asking to be raped or molested?

Why do I have to conform to what everyone says I should wear when I just don't feel comfortable in those things?! Why is it that I am always the one who has to please everyone else, but no one ever just lets me be me!?

I asked her the last one, and she said that I cover myself because I don't know who I am. I haven't found myself and it shows in my clothing.

So, I guess I'm supposed to wear spaghetti straps, booty shorts, paint my toe nails, and cut my hair into one of today's fashionable ways even when I'm 8 months pregnant and it's 48 degrees outside with cold rain and wind. Sounds reasonable to me...

I don't want to go back, but if I don't my OBGYN is going to put me on mood stabilizers or call CPS and have my kids removed. I'm stuck with a woman who makes me feel worse than when I went to her.

[clairandamjones]

Jun. 10, 2009 at 3:07 AM

Well, this is a tough one.  I can completely see your side as well as hers. 

First of all, I don't think that the point is for you to wear things that make you feel uncomfortable.  I am absolutely vehemently opposed to putting things on your body that are only to please others in your life while all the while you hate the way you feel in it.

I also think pregnancy raises specific wardrobe issues that she is not acknowledging.  I remember going through a phase during and after pregnancy when I had little to wear and no money for other clothing.

That said, it sounds like the point she was making hit a nerve with you, and part of me suspects that the reason for this is because there is some truth to what she says.  I don't know you or her so I am in no position to tell you why you dress the way you do.  But I do know that one of the hardest things about therapy can be hearing things about yourself that you know are true but you don't want to admit to.

Don't take it to the extreme of spaghetti straps and booty shorts.  That is not her point.  Try to listen to the message underneath of it instead of focusing on your current wardrobe and what you looked like today.  She may be seeing something in your personality that is reflected in your clothing, and while you don't have to change your clothing, you might benefit from contemplating what she is pointing out about the person who wears it. 

Therapy is tough and learning things about ourselves that we don't like is even tougher.  I am sorry this was so hard for you.  The last time a therapy session made me cry, it was awful, but I did learn from it and I'm a better, stronger person for it.  Sometimes, the truth is painful.

[QuillonsMom]

Jun. 10, 2009 at 3:13 AM

Hmm..I'm sorry momma. I dont know you or your therapist, but I personally think it is unfair that she would put you down like this at such a vunerable time in your life. a therapist should be there to help you not set you back. Im not sure of your situation with CPS or other emotional problems, but is there anyway you can request another therapist? You should feel comfortable with any provider in healthcare...Perhaps there is some truth to her words, but I feel those are words to come from your best friend, in whom you have a true deep connection with. I would consider seeking another person to talk to. Best of luck momma!

[MoonChildsMom]

Jun. 10, 2009 at 11:04 AM

I agree with quillonsmom. You should never be made to feel like that by a health care provider especially a therapist.

I do not see it as being wrong to want to respect your husband and self by not fl anting yourself to everyone. But who says you have to go and spend a fortune to look like everyone else. (That is why we are not robots because we don't have to.) It makes me think she probably wouldn't be so hurtful to someone who comes into her office dressed as a hutchie.