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My Husband Died
- Jun 10, 2009 at 3:17 PM
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- Comments (39) Total Views (2363) Everyone can see this journal post.
Almost a year ago my life changed forever. My husband of 10 years, 7 months and 2 days died in a brutal car accident on Friday, June 13th 2008. As the one year anniversary of his death approaches, I look back at the transformation my life has undergone in the past 12 months. I became a widow at 30 in the blink of an eye. One minute he was here and the next minute he was no longer of this earth. Three months after his passing I became a new mom to a beautiful baby boy that will be 9 months old next Saturday. My heart was just as bruised, battered and broken as his poor body. I thought it to be as irrepairable as he was. I would've sworn on my miserable life that I would never find love again, that I would never be happy, that I could never feel whole again and in my dispair I was even making arrangements to move in with my mother-in-law because I knew that while I was still technically living and breathing my life was over and I might as well just throw in the towel. Forever a widow, Lee's wife for the rest of my years is how I imagined myself. Thank the good Lord above that He had other plans for me. He has held me up and not once has He let so much as a toe of mine touch the ground. God may not have seen fit to heal my husband but He has mended my heart in such a way that is almost beyond my comprehension. Over the past couple of months the repairing of my shattered heart and dreams has almost come full circle. God has answered so many prayers on my behalf, ones that I said out loud, ones that I whispered in my pain, fleeting thoughts and the call of my shredded heart. An amazing man has been delivered into my life and miracle of all miracles I am in love. Who would've thought? Certainly not me. I told God a long time ago that if He ever intended for me to love again or remarry He would have to send me someone Himself that I didn't have the strength or energy to go seeking on my own.....and He did. David.....or DC as I sometimes call him. He has been in my life for over 17 years now. We dated in highschool before Lee and I did. Our story is as long as mine and Lee's was and I won't go into all of the details now, but maybe one day. He was there the night Lee died, he took me to the hospital when I was in labor and he has been there for me ever since. For me and my son whom he sincerely loves as his own. He is actually my husbands first cousin. As our feelings for eachother have blossomed and developed, the need to have sensitive conversations with family members and friends has arisen. Would you believe that in every single instance, including the conversation I had with Lee's mother, DC's Aunt, has concluded with a blessing for he and I to persue a relationship with eachother? Without fail a comment about how "It's what Lee would've wanted" or "Who else would Lee possibly trust with both his son and his wife?" has come from the mouth of every single family member or friend. How can I not believe, without question, that David is God's "gift" to me and His will for my life? I believe it with my whole heart, scars and all. I won't lie, it's different loving someone else other than Lee. He and David are like night and day different even down to the way they look. Lee was blonde haired, blue eyed and David is brown haired with brown eyes. Lee and I contradicted eachother as a couple, David and I compliment eachother. Loving DC is easy and I hate to say it, but loving Lee wasn't always. Don't get me wrong, the heart feels what it does no matter what, so my love for Lee was true and pure and wasn't going anywhere. What I mean is that being the woman in love with Lee, who at the time of his death was an alcoholic, with all of the drama and arguing that goes along with that, wasn't always easy. Then again, even when he wasn't an alcoholic our relationship was explosive and dramatic with scenes that could rival any Jerry Springer episode. There were times when I wished I didn't love Lee because then I could bring myself to leave him, but my heart chose him and even if we had separated as long as he was living and breathing and of this earth I could've never have fully given myself over to another man. Loving David is easy and almost relaxing, comfortable and "right." Sort of like I'm no longer trying to swim upstream, instead I'm going in the direction I'm supposed to, there is no opposition. My love for David doesn't take away from my love for Lee, it's just different......I don't know if I can ever explain it well enough for anyone that hasn't experienced it to understand. I will always love Lee, David knows this, but I'm in love with David. This life of mine has had more twists and turns than an old mountain road, finally I feel as if there is a straight path ahead of me and I am just waiting for all of the final pieces to fall into place. I know the end of this week will be emotional for me, after all my husband, someone that I loved deeply died, the father of my child, the person that I expected to live the rest of my life with, but honestly, it is hard to be too sad and wallow in the grief that everyone seems to expect of me. God has been too good. I'm just too happy to be too sad. I am going out of town tomorrow. I planned the trip way back in January. The last thing I wanted was to be in town when "D-Day" rolled around. The tempation to lurk at the scene of the accident is too great, even for me. Is it wrong that I am looking forward to the long weekend with my baby and David more than I am dreading the milestone that the 13th represents?
Comments:
YOu are a beautiful writer and have a beautiful soul thank you for sharing your story! I wish you and DC the best of luck
Wow, you and I are not so different. Your story is amazing, and it's amazing on the timing of so much. Although I am still with my husband, your dates and mine are so alike. My husband and I will have been married 10 years 7 months and 2 days on June 15th. Very close to your dates. I'm also 30 as well. My husband and I also argue so much, and clash as well, that I often wonder things, you know? He too drinks too much alcohol. My husbands name is Jonathan.
Although I cannot feel the pain as you have in the loss of your husband, I can understand that God IS great, and he has given you a wonderful gift at another love. Someone who cares not only for you, but for your son as well. Cherish your new man, as I am sure this IS Gods plan for you.
If you ever need a friend to talk to, I'm here.
That's amazing! God is amazing! You are absolutely right; how can you be anything but joyous for the life that you've been given by the ultimate Giver!
It's ok to be sad. But, it's also ok to be....well, ok. God has healed your heart; don't tear it up to live up to anyone else's expectations of your grieving. Be thankful for His blessings of peace and love and time!
God bless you, DC and that sweet little boy. He has great plans for you all!
Looks like we have a lot in common. When my son was 11 months and I was 7 months pregnant with my second son my fiance died in a car crash Feb 08. And yes he liked to drink and probably wasdrinking that day. We also faught a lot, a whole lot and it was not a good relationship. It has been over a year since his death and I feel at peace with my self like I have a second chance to start over. I also miss him somedays but do not miss all the fighting and other stuff that went along with his drinking. Thank god my boys does not have to see that. God has also blessed me with two wonderful boys and has given me a lot of his blessings this year. Lets just say I have never been better spiritually and emotionally. I am not in a relationship now but I am dating and hopefully I will meet a nice man and fall in love and have the family I always wanted. I am 32 yrs old . Good luck to you and and your family! And I thought I was the only one to go through something like this.
I love the way you write Windy it is so beautiful. Thank you for giving me hope through reading your journey, I too hope to find true love someday again. Enjoy your weekend, I will be praying for you.
When I can stop crying, I will tell you how amazing you are!! It is like I have said to so many of my friends about things. Everything is in God's time not ours!! He will give us what he wants us to have when he is ready, never doubt or question it!! I am sorry for your loss but at the same time I cry tears of joy for you and this new journey! Best wishes and many prayers.
It is in no way wrong for you to be looking forward to spendign the weekend with your Guys. Sure Lee is on your mind he will always have aplac ein your heart. God has answered your prayers and you are so lucky to have such a supportive family. ( I chuckle Kindly of course) at the thoguht of you and David marrying and having children, your children would be cousins and siblings LOL! Around here in NH that happens alot but no one likes to admit it. I love your writting enjoy your weekend. You deserve it!
Your ability to allow your heart to heal and love again is the greatest gift you can give to your son- along with a loving father- which it sounds as if he is also getting. You are a special lady... your writing is captivating... I can't usually read stream of consciousness like this, but your story was compelling.
Thank you for sharing it with us. You lifted my heart on what has already been a difficult day...
I'm sorry about Lee.Thank you for sharing your story and for reinforcing that time does help in healing. Not that it ever takes the pain away -- but, that it can get easier. I hope you have a fantastic weekend and that you, DC and your baby make new memories for the 13th. Life is for the living...you are here and you have found love again. That's a wonderful thing.
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