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What if your husband denied you affection?!!!
- Jun 12, 2009 at 1:28 AM
- By
- Comments (9) Total Views (397) Everyone can see this journal post.
Dear human,
Who needs hugs, kisses, affection?
How would you feel if you were upset, went to your husband for comfort, and he pushed you away.... and to top it off, he decided that you should just sit in your room alone until you're done being upset? What do you do then, when your husband, your best friend, is all you have to rely on for that affection?
How would you feel if your husband did this to you anytime you needed any affection, whether you were upset or even if you weren't upset, but just needed some affection? We all just need some affection sometimes right? We're human, right? We're born needing affection and could die without it.
Would you feel hurt if your husband denied that from you? Would it make you insecure? Would you start to wonder if he even loves you? You'd probably get depressed. Maybe some of us have a husband like that and already know how it feels....
What if everyone told your husband that he needed to deny you that affection.... because he needed to teach you to soothe yourself?!!!
What if everyone told him that if he always gave you affection every time you wanted it, he'd spoil you?!!! Do you really think that too much affection could spoil you in bad way?! Is there such a thing as too much affection?
I'm angry. I'm angry that the first 4 times I had children, I was given BAD ADVICE!
If we, as adults, can't even handle being denied affection, what in the world ever made anyone think that a tiny, helpless, baby can handle it?
If we can feel unloved and insecure when we're denied affection, what about an innocent baby, who doesn't even understand what being spoiled even is, and isn't even old enough to know HOW to manipulate you in order to be spoiled.... he doesn't understand the "lesson" you're teaching him when you leave him alone to cry, he's not even old enough to understand it...
He comprehends the tiny world he lives in, and it revolves around you... the one person he relies on, the only person he has, his best friend... who leaves him alone in a room until he's done being upset.
He doesn't learn how to soothe himself. He learns how to be insecure. He learns that when he needs affection or when he's upset, no one will be there to care. He learns that his natural need for affection is wrong. He learns lessons that even adults aren't strong enough to learn without shedding a few tears. He learns adult lessons... that no BABY should ever have to learn.
Will all due respect to my elders, YOU'RE WRONG. YOUR ADVICE IS BAD.
END THE BAD ADVICE NOW!
The next time you think your baby needs to CRY IT OUT, try taking your own advice the next time you need to be held! Do it, and see how that makes YOU feel.
I've got two, very happy twins now that DO NOT have to learn to soothe themselves. They are happier than my first four were when they were babies. They cry less. They smile more. They learn faster (AND they were preemies!) They learn faster because they're not busy sitting in their room, staring at a ceiling, wondering why no one will hold them, and feeling alone, distraught, confused... those feelings are distractions that hinder their development! If your spouse forced you to soothe yourself, your relationship wouldn't grow either!
If your spouse always denied you of affection & locked you in your room alone everytime you needed it, we would call that emotional abuse!!!
CRYING IT OUT IS ABUSE. STOP THE ABUSE!
HOLD YOUR BABY.
IF YOU CAN'T HOLD EM'... WEAR EM'.
IF YOU DONT WANT TO HOLD THEM GIVE THEM TO SOME ONE WHO DOES! It really shouldn't be an issue to have to hold your baby! They won't be babies forever, you should WANT to while you can!
If I could go back, I'd hold all of mine when they needed to be held as babies... I'm sorry I denied them of that because I listened to bad advice. But I can't go back.
I can only share these thoughts with you and hope you'll help me stop the abuse by putting an end to the bad advice.
Stop telling new moms that their babies need to cry it out. Stop telling yourself that your baby needs to cry it out. Pick up your baby and hold him.
You can never regret holding them too much. But you can regret not holding them enough.
Respectfully,
A baby-wearing, baby-loving, ANTI-CIO, hip-holding Mama.
Comments:
Yup.
Let me add that I do let my babies fuss but not all out cry. It breaks my heart to hear them wailing.
Voted Popular.
*Tears*
you do not need to hold your child all of the time. and no you do not need affection all of the time either. there is nothing wrong with learning how to deal with your emotions and how you feel on your own because the only person that truly knows you on the inside and what is going on is you. even your spouse does not know every thing your feeling or why your feeling it. as an adult you shoule be self sufficent because your husband or wife will not be around forever and then where would you be. how you can compare the two is beyond me. we are talking about helpless infants and grown sufficent adults not the same thing.
mrssundin- You answered your own rhetorical question and brought even more light to my point.
You're right, you can't compare a grown, self-sufficiant adult to a baby. So then why would a helpless, not self-sufficiant baby be expected or forced to deal with emotions & denial that even adults can't handle?
Even adults who are deliberately denied affection sink into a variety of emotional turmoils over deliberate denial of affection (there is a difference in being deliberately denied & denied because one isn't physically capable.)
A baby is literally ignorant to those emotions. They haven't even been alive long enough to develope them. They will not develope them by being left alone to cry. There is no one there to teach them. What is there to develope? They are literally forced to develope the only emotions their body naturally produces during such denial... insecurity, confusion, and hurt.
Learning how to deal with your emotions is essential, but a baby isn't old enough to even be able to comprehend that. They are truly ignorant, and it is our job to teach them. You can't teach them if you're not there.
You can't expect or force a 1 year old to learn college level geometry. Why? Because their brains aren't developed enough to even be capable of it. In the same concept, you can't force a baby to learn to "deal with emotions" on levels that his brain isn't even developed enough to do.
And you're also right, you don't need to hold your child all the time. I never said anyone did. We also don't need affection all of the time. But we do need it, and babies need it a lot more than a grown adult. My point, (it seems you missed it) is that deliberately denying that affection is wrong and abusive, not that we all need it all the time.
And, there really is no good reason to deny anyone of affection (deliberately.) There are no benefits of denying that to some one. But the benefits of giving the affection.... endless.
babies do not cry because of emotions that is so freaking stupid. they do not even know what emotions are. babies cry because they are hungry or they need a diaper change or they want to be held. it has nothing to do with how they are feeling. newborns can not even smile because they do not have the concept of what makes them happy or sad. please kids do not need to be held 24/7 or your going to be raising you kids for the rest of your life and they are never going to be come self sufficient adults. kids need to learn and do things on there own and learn what they like.
i agree with ya. I refuse to let my son CIO
..."babies do not cry because of emotions..."
mrssundin, all I can say, is that I feel really sorry for your children if you honestly believe this. You talk as if they're robots. Sad.
And this... " babies cry because they are hungry or they need a diaper change or they want to be held. it has nothing to do with how they are feeling..."
Are you serious? You just contracticed yourself 3 times in two sentences (i.e. feeling hungry, feeling dirty/wet, feeling the need to be held!...)
If you're going to try and argue a post, ATLEAST come up with a good one and don't make yourself look so ignorant. If you're really that ignorant, don't reply at all (that's for your own good.)
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AMEN. I agree with you. Keep on preaching that whether everyone listens or not. I am 55 and have two wonderful daughters and I held them as much as I possibly could. Now they are holding their own babies and no one is spoiled. I even get upset when I see moms in grocery stores, letting their babies cry and the mom ignores them.
Good for you Mom 81, and what about the ladies that are trying so hard to just have one baby to hold.
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