Reflections, depressed

[angelachristine]

I love my husband and children don't get me wrong but did you ever sit down and think this isn't what I wanted from life. Like if I had taken a look at where I would end up I would be horrified and do whatever I could to chose a different path.

My mother is dead, siblings are either back stabbers, or users, no father. My grandpa passed away and my grandma blatantly said she preferred one of my siblings to me and can't stand to be around my kids (She said they are brats). Never finished my degree, have 2 kids both seem to have adhd, one of them is severely autistic. and mrdd as well.

Because of this hubby's family doesn't want to be around either and most of our friends pulled back too.Our apartment burned down awhile back and it was a total loss. What I miss the most is the things that connect me with my mom and pictures from my childhood. I miss her so much. 

I got on ebay and was buying things that I had at one point when I was a child. When I first get the thing it make me happy but I always know it is not my thing from childhood and no matter how much I hold or mess with it I can never have that time or those ppl and places back.

The funny thing is as a child I was sure I was miserable and now I look back fondly and think wow I really had no idea.

After I had my son I was hospitalized for almost 3 weeks and still have health problems but no coverage. We make too much to get any kind of help but not enough to be able to get by between my dd's problems and mine etc.....

Today was just the worst I was bathing my son and my dd was in the room with me. Well she left the room and son was still in the water. I was working on getting him out when I hear a crash there went our tv and it's broken. We can't afford to get a new or even a used one. Settlement came on my electric so we are 250 behind and behind on some other bills too b/c we had a disconnect on gas and every thing went there. Now this month we will probably get one on the power.

I can never keep my kids and house clean b/c as I am cleaning up one thing they are behind me messing up 10 more. My landlord was over to fix something and opened his trap about it. I know most kids are like this but b/c of there problems it is to an extreme degree.

My big idea of excitement is going to Sam's club with the hubby for an hour or less. My brother told me yesterday that I had no quality of life. Gee thanks bro. I knew that already but it hurt to have it pointed out by someone else.

I'm tired, upset and frustrated. I love my kids and hubby don't get me wrong but sometimes I wish I had a different life. Even just a little bit of the life I imagined years ago. As it is I am socially isolated and when I wake up I long for sleep b/c it's one big stress ride all day long.

I would never try and hurt or kill myself but when I had my son I had fluid flood my system and lungs and almost died. I feel guilty for thinking it but sometimes I wish I had.

Anyway my hubby is going to be coming in soon and I'm going to have to tell him about the tv and I know it's either going to be a fight or he's going to say things like maybe we should put her in a home. He's always saying crap like that and even as much as it stresses me I love my dd so much and would never want that to happen.

Excuse this big long rambling mess. I just needed to get it out so I'm not a complete mess when hubby gets in.

[Kellyjude1]

Jun. 14, 2009 at 4:45 PM

 I am so sorry for all you are going through.  I am praying things will get better for you.