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ripped from the womb
- Jun 18, 2009 at 11:35 PM
- By
- Comments (7) Total Views (119) Everyone can see this journal post.
Don't be fooled by what adoption agencies have to say about themselves. Instead find out what they actually 'do'.
What do they do for expectant moms?
Expectant Moms, if you're considering adoption - you would be wise to find and interview as many women as possible who have already walked down the road you're on & especially ones who have worked with the spedific adoption agency or adoption professional you're considering.
Let's do a quick review of Fact or Fiction...
Fact or Fiction - an EMom who is considering adoption will rarely be contacted by the birth parent counselor to 'talk about things'. FICTION- they're going to not only talk to her, they're going to make sure she doesn't get any silly notions about parenting her child herself.
Fact or Fiction - a Mom who just delivered and was considering adoption will frequently be contacte by a BPC after the birth? FACT - they want to ensure that seeing your baby for the firs time doesn't cause you to 'change your mind'. After all this other loving couple is really excited about being parents. In other words BPC will be your shadow until the papers are signed.
Fact or Fiction - an adoption agency provides un-biased counseling on an EMom's options. FICTION- they are dependent on placing babies with adoptive families in order to remain in business. Since they are dependent on that monetary exchange, how can it even be called counseling? It is called "Conflict of Interest".
Fact or Fiction - adoption agencies are charitable organizations, and do not make a profit. FICTION - non-profit or not-for-profit stamps does not mean there IS no profit, it just means they must spend as much as they bring in. example: If they have a good financial year, that's an increase in salaries/bonuses.
Fact or Fiction - religious adoption agencies are just ministries that are trying to help women in need. FICTION - the religious agencies have historically for decades grossly misued their power and trampled the rights of young unmarried mothers - to get their babies. Catholic Charities, Lutheran Services, Bethany not-Christian Services.
Fact or Fiction - adoption agencies genuinely care about what is best for my unbornchild. FICTION - because they do NOT acknowledge or discuss the risks of adoption to the child, especially not the abandonment issue.
I started ths journal page to discuss one primary topic, and that is POST ADOPTION SUPPORT.
What does post adoption support look like? here's with it looked like with JoesGirl and BS -
JoesGirl is in the hospital with her son. BirthParentCounselor (BPC) visits & has a private conversation stating the importance of rethinking the adoption decision now that she's seen and held her baby. BPC assures JoesGirl that it's okay to 'change her mind' and there should be absolutely no guilt whatsoever in parenting, because parenting is a loving choice.
No, that's the ideal.
The real deal is that JoesGirl has a beautiful healthy baby boy, but had minor complications and was kept for 2 extra days. Day of discharge the BPC didn't get out of the hospital fast enough with her son, and was still in the nursery when Joes went in to say goodbye. There was no talk from BPC about sending him home with Joes - she was beaming while holding Joes baby.
At that time in Joes state, the waiting period was 3 months where decision could be revoked. During that 3 months, there was possibly one phone call from adoption agency to Joes - to "see" how Joes was doing.
Sounds like amazing post adoption support to me.
When date for court hearing approached, Joes gets a call from the agency. Saying legal paperwork is in the mail - "but the language is kind of harsh, we recommend you don't read it." Yes that is a quote.
Sounds like amazing post addoption support to me.
Prior to birth, no one talked about grieving, and Joes had the wind knocked out of her when grief started to set in 8 years later. Joes had no idea what was happening, just that she was unravelling and needed help. Joes pre - arranges a meeting with the Director and BPC at their office (which was an hour away). Joes arrives, and oopsie! the doors were locked. Someone inside heard Joes knocking from outside in the rain, and opened the door. Gee, the director was gone for the day.
Sounds like amazing post adoption support to me.
Joes, still unravelling and desparate for help sets up another meeting. This time the director was actually there and Joes talks to the Director and BPC - Joes husband is there with her. Joes states flat out that she recognized she needed help.
Director and BPC seemed so sincere as they sat and listened. But when Joes asked about help, they had no ideas. Joes asked if they at least had any conselors they could refer - and Joes would pay for it herself. Nope, they didn't know of anyone.
Desperate Joes begs, "can you suggest any books so I could at least help myself?" The dirctor sits in his chair shaking his head back and forth and silently says, "Gee - I can't think of any."
Sounds like amazing post adoption support to me.
Now, before you write this off as "just one unfortunate incident," remember what they say in sales - you NEED to listen to complaints, because 9 out of 10 people won't speak up when something is wrong. Therefore one person's words actually also represents the other 9 who were silent.
Sounds like amazing post adoption support to me.
Additionally - after some time and struggles with this particular local branch, Joes (who interestingly enough was still very PRO-ADOPTION and PRO-Bethany) has communication with a bigger 'sister branch' in the same state, but an extra 1.5 hours away. On a phone conversation wtih a different BPC at the sister branch, that BPC (probably should not have) mentioned that they knew of several complaints about the smaller branch I had 'troubles' with. And according to that employee - it was not just first moms who were treted terribly - it was also a-parents. And yet, and yet the corporate office - who was well aware of the problems, allowed it to go on.
.. so if you're considering adopting a child - you need to take the post adoption counseling subject seriously. If the agency or adoption professional is willing to or has a history of ignoring the needs of first moms - don't kid yourself, after they have your money, they'll treat you the same way. What if you need a little support or counseling with your adopted child?
sounds like amazing post adoption support to me
Yes, I'll admit that this was a few years ago that Joes went through this.
However just last year, spring of 2008 - Joes met with the new current director at the same branch.
When Joes asked about a list of referrals for EMoms before birth, the response she got was "sure - we can provide a list of counselors." When Joes asked to see that list, the reply was "Oh, well, we try to match up the First Mom with a counselor who would be a good match for her." Do you buy that? I don't.
It sounds like amazing post adoption support to me & it sounds like it hasn't changed
Wrapping up, one other question Joes asked the Director in that spring of 2008 meeting - what do you do for first moms after the birth. The response was that from conversations she's had with the BPC, is that the BPC DOES reach out and try to contact the first moms - but most of them don't respond. They want to just move on with their lives. So it's not the agency's fault the first moms don't take their hand when the agency reaches out.
Yup, that's why it's called d e n i a l - & that's right where agencies want her.
sounds like amazing post adoption support to me
Tags: adoption, adopting, bmom, birthmother, first mom, birth mom, adoption agenc, post adoption
Comments:
sati769leigh -
while i thank you for the kind words of your final paragraph,
do you realize what your opening paragrpah does?
it minimizes what i've just said & shared
it waters it down
and it's sad
it's sad that people can't just say "what happened to you was wrong, and I'm sorry" and leave it at that.
it's sad that with the right hand is an attempt at comfort, while the message from the left hand is dismissive.
why? why can't people just acknowlede that something 'wrong' happened without defending adoption? and minimizing our experiences by saying "but that's just YOUR experience" it's not "all like that"
I am sorry that you took my response to you that way.
I did not mean to, and do not mean to add to your pain with my posting style.
I think that if you had presented this as just YOUR experience rather than say all adoption is like this my response would have been very different. and that is where i was coming from.
thank you for your PM to me to explain where you are at right now and not to take your response too me too harshly. You are right that I sounded dismissive. but that was not my intent.
Joes- I do believe she was being dimissive considering I have spoke of my experience... saying it was only MY experiencing and still got the feed back you did. I don't undersand why people have to defend adoption..
YOU, my dear friend, have every right to feel what you feel about adoption, and I'm so sorry for what you have gone through and continue to go through.
I love ya ;).
Hang in there..
It's terrible the way they treated you. Have you found unbias counseling yet?
(((Hugs)))
Thanks Rain & Found for the support.
I find it disturbing that the 'reason' for such a response was that I was accusing all adoption agencies... blah blah blah
Not so. Nowhere in my post did I say or claim it is all and every single adoption agency.
What I did say was for people to take it seriously and check it out for themselves. And followed that challenge up w/ details.
"I could not have asked for a better agency." Whatever! I used to say that too. But that was before we hit a storm in the adoption journey, that I got to find out their true colors.
That was also before Joes came out of denial. Losing my son to adoption was totally and utterly UNNECESSARY. Not a matter of right or wrong, it was unnecessary for both of us (him and me).
To them, he was a profit and I was merely an incubator carrying the profit.
It amazes me, though it shouldn't , that people think this is isolated! We come from different states, and generations and tell the same story, yet people, think, that "Oh, they just had a bad experience.".
Wake UP!!!
This happens every hour of every day. The agencies just want to make a buck. I, too asked for counseling. I was, after asking, giving to an, a-mom , who "specialized in this." She patted me on the head, and told me how great I was. i felt like she wanted me to get pregnant again, and her one!
Joes, my heart bleeds for you. Good for you for telling your story! never stop! Maybe, one mother will hear you. One starfish at a time....
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I am very very sorry you had this experience. but this is NOT all agencies. it is YOUR experience only. I had a GREAT adoption experience when i gave up my 10 year old right after birth. they supported me in EVERY way EVERY step of the way. and even now if i called they would give me counceling and advice. I could not have asked for a better agency than The Cradle in Chicago.
my heart breaks for you that you had sucha negative experience in such troubled times in your life. I have been through adoption myself and if you wish to ever ever talk about it. i am here for you. I know the pain, the sorrow, the longing and the what ifs and if onlys.