Confessions of a Former Overparent

[mountain_laurel]

I think most of us have our own "mom-style."  For some of us, though, it takes awhile to find it. When Julieanne was born, I was very uptight! Every little thing I read that might keep her safe and healthy, I tried. Unfortunately, I received a lot of bad advice, too, which led to the demise of breastfeeding as long I wanted among other things. I was so eager to do everything properly! I read every book, every study, every article. Being a psychology major didn't help. I was determined to give my daughter the best possible environment for her IQ, physical health, and emotional well-being. I stayed at home and threw myself into helping her develop emotionally, physically, and mentally. I did everything I could. We explored textures, the outdoors, the indoors, everything. I tried to give her a new experience everyday. Flashcards with dubious claims of mental development, organic food that exceeded my budget, household chemicals that promised to not cause cancer,  you name it.

I really tried to be the perfect parent. I knew it was impossible, but I was darned sure I was going to get as close as possible. My first mistake came from listening to a nurse who babysat for me one day. "Your daughter is always hungry," she said. "Your breastmilk isn't rich enough. You should supplement." So I did. And that ended breastfeeding pretty quickly. Oops. I tried for hours and hours to stimulate enough milk, but once I stopped producing enough, I couldn't get it back. So I felt rather guilty about it, but figured that could be my one mistake. Ha! 

Life got in the way of my incessant nitpicking over every last little detail and I collapsed into a depressed, burnt out heap. Other issues unrelated to parenting added to the load and I lost my marriage and wound up with joint custody. Which would be a great thing except I had been a stay at home mom. I threw myself into my studies, trying to forget the pain, but I carried it with me. I still do. So don't burn yourself out trying to be the perfect parent. Don't forget to give yourself a break and hang out with other people away from children. Sacrificing everything you are to be the best parent possible does not make you the best parent possible. When you are so depressed you don't even want to get out of bed anymore, you aren't doing anyone any favors. Not that you should feel guilty for having a rough time, but I know I sure felt like the world's worst parent when all that happened to me. Seek help! Let some things go!

I am down to one or two pet peeves, but from the looks of CafeMom, it seems if everyone has one or two things that drives them crazy if parents do or don't do. Vaccinate, don't vaccinate, pro-breastfeed, pro-cloth diapers, pro-extended rear facing, nutrition, television, wooden toys, etc, etc, etc. I don't think there is anything wrong at all with being passionate about one or two things as long as you understand that parents who choose something different DO care about their kids and that every parent does the best with what they've got, be it information, money, etc.  The problem comes when you are like I was and are passionate about EVERYTHING! It is a recipe for disaster, be it now, five years from now, or fifty. Well, maybe not fifty because you will probably die from the stress of it all before then!

For the past 18 months, every time I let my child eat at McDonald's (which only tends to happen if I'm not feeling well), I feel a twinge of guilt. Then I remember it's not every day--that most days, I prepare good, nutritious food, so I need to just relax. Everything in moderation--relaxation and strictness in parenting included. I know I do the best I can and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I'm not abusing or neglecting her, which I most certainly do not. So I let it go, smile, and feel grateful that the days where I obsessed over every morsel of food that went into her mouth are gone. 

[MSugarKane]

Jun. 19, 2009 at 9:20 AM

Good for you!  You sound like a wonderful , caring mom!