Officially done, can you just end it please?

[chela17]

I don't know where to start. Seems like it is all piling down on me and I just want something to happen for it all to end. Maybe I just want him to make his mind up already, for him to be a fucken man and step up and say he is leaving or to at least grow some balls along with communication skills that a marriage needs to survive.

Maybe I am not the best person either to live with as I am always worrying about things that need to get done, but if I don't remember anything, who will? I take care of all the bill, I make sure the baby is ok (after all I feel I am the only that can take care of her the right way), I try my best to make everyone happy. I try to keep him happy sexually, but after a while I mean who doesn't get bored. I know I have not been satisfied in a long time, but doesn't mean I am out there looking for it so I don't see how someone can give in so easily. I know I am not the most attractive person and he isn't either, but doesn't mean I am out there looking for something else.

On Tuesday, I guess everything was ok until I opened my mouth. I had felt something going on so I checked his phone. I seen he had gotten flirty text messages from a female and I am not the type of person to hold it in. It's like how will you discipline a child after they have done something. They won't understand so I have always been the one to bring things up as they happen. He didn't say anything, stayed quiet, and pretty much made me feel like I was the one that fucked up. He stopped talking to me, has been acting differently, been deciding he needs to hang out with his "cousins" after work in order to avoid seeing me and the baby (we only have 1 car so even then it is hard to keep my mind off of it by staying home), and even had the nerve to pick up the same females phone call on Wednesday while we were home.

I had enough when he picked up her call and let him know that I wasn't trying to keep him around if he didn't want to be here. I need communication and the kind of bitter, ignoring behavior is not healthy for both of us because he is just keeping it inside and I am well killing myself over it because of how stupid I feel to be surrounding my world around him and the baby (when I could have been focusing only on myself and the baby). He responded by I should be happy that he is here and that's it. I shouldn't worry if he is happy or not. Oh and I hate how he flipped the story on me. When I found out I was pregnant, I said that I was going to keep the baby whether he was in the picture or not and now he says that I had said that I was only going to keep (or let him see) the baby if he was going to be in the picture.

I feel like a complete joke! I really do. Here I am having such a large amount of stress that causes me to have panic/anxiety attacks where I am numb in my left arm and legs and he is pulling this shit. So I call his dad because he usually calls him when we get into shit like this. I ask his dad to please encourage him to leave if he is not happy, not to stay and work things out because I have seen it is not what he wants and I know his dad usually suggests that we have to make it work. I don't want to make him feel obligated and it is so hard trying to make it work when someone is clearly unhappy and looking for attention somewhere else. I also let him know that I can't even come home and be happy with my baby because I always have to be on my toes as to what his mood will be like.

To top it all off, my grandma, whom everyone claims I saved her life when I was 9yrs old and pretty much raised me, is in the hospital and is really unpredictable right now because of her age. He is not even considering showing any kind of support.

I don't know what to do. I try to cry it out, but can't mainly because I know it's not worth it. I know he is not worth it because I know that I can be happy without him and I want him to just walk away already if he is going to be acting this way. I had enough.

There is so much more to the story, but I feel like a fool so much more when I think of it and I don't want ramble for those who do not think this will end.

[sati769leigh]

Jun. 19, 2009 at 8:33 PM

HUGE HUGS! i am so sorry for all you are going through!

[Nakor21]

Jun. 19, 2009 at 8:48 PM

So sorry, hope all works out for you and what ever happens will be for the best. Blessings!