meandering musings from a mom

the meanderings of a muddled mom mind

I have thought about how to write this journal all day long. Some could say I was blessed to have 2 men be my father, my biological father and my stepfather. But then again one would have had to take a stroll in my shoes to see how beneficial either one was to me in my life in the long run. My real father walked out on my mom and I when I was 8, he had visitation every summer since we moved to Virginia with the court's permission. I saw him 1 time from the time I was 10 till I was nearly 15. He picked me up on his way to NC to take me camping with him and his new wife, what was supposed to be a summer long visit lasted all of 3 days. The next time I saw him I went to TExas with him and his new wife, I was 16. I was hoping to live with him forever. He refused to enroll me in school and sent me back home on a plane, using the child support money he was supposed to send my mom. That visit lasted 2 weeks. The next time I saw my dad I was 23 and had had my first child. He came and picked us both up and we went to his new house in Campbellsville. that time I remained for a month but it was about all his wife would allow. He died 3 years ago this September, never really getting to know me, too busy attempting to pacify his wife and her twisted ideals. Even in his last months of life she tried to keep us from seeing him, telling us we were not allowed to drive the 2 hour trip to see him and stay in their 15 room home, we would have to stay in a hotel. that applied to me and my sisters, until my father finally told her we were his children and could come as often and stay as long as we liked. 6 weeks later he died.

My mom remarried when I was 13 he claimed he wanted to be the dad I never had. What he became was another in my long line of sexual abusers. He died 6 years ago.

Looking back I realize yes I may have had 2 fathers but I never really had a dad to speak of. I can look back on pictures of me with my bio father and it seems as if he loved me, so where did I fall short? I needed more then 10 years with him to have a dad. Especially when the first 5 years he was in the Navy and out to sea all the time.

Any man can be a father. It does not take anything to impregnate a woman. 5 minutes and in some cases not that long. Not any person can be a dad. It takes a MAN to be a dad. It takes a man to be adult enough to stand up and accept the responsibility that comes with being a part of their child's life, whether they decide to be in the woman's life or not. There are many mothers who attempt to fill both the roles to the best of their ability. But just like we need our moms for ceratin moments in life our father is the same. We need him to be our protector and defender. To hold us to standards in life and maturity that we have trouble comprehending without the male role model. Girls base their worth off the love and attention of their father. We build our lives and future around finding a man like our dad, one who will love us and protect us. But when the only representation you have had walks out on his family, leaving you defenseless, and one steps up to take his place and puts responsibilities on you that are not your to bear, it becomes difficult to successfully gauge what we are to expect from our men. We begin to believe that walking out is normal or okay, if it doesn't work don't work on it. We find ourselves searching for the attention we received from our abusers, regardless of the pain it brought us in our childhood, at least it was attention.

Today I stand as a child of God, the only father who has ever been a dad. Who has comforted me even when I did not know he was there. Who has held my hand and wiped my tears. He has cleaned my scrapes and loved me when I felt totally unlovable. He has placed a robe upon my shoulders , combed my hair till it fell like silk upon my shoulders, placed a crown up on my head and sandals upon my weary and bruised feet. When i felt alone, he was there. When I cried my tears he caught them all. When I chose my mate , he walked me down the aisle. He is the epitome of a true dad. He knows what it takes to be one.

Perhaps if our boy children had better examples to follow, besides hip hop singers and gangster talk. If they had a man who stood for his wife and children, who kept his home and loved his kids enough to stay when the going got tough. If they knew the depth of love that God has for them and saw it displayed in the male role models in their lives. If our men had no shame is shedding a tear and lying prostrate before the God they serve. Teach our children how to pray and stand tall in the midst of the storm. I would have loved a man like that as Father. I have learned now to depend on my Abba Father for all my needs and he has never failed to provide. But then again He designed the epitome of Fatherhood.

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Jun. 21, 2009 at 10:50 PM What a touching story! I am sorry about both fathers... but at least you were blessed with the opportunity to have your own children and give them a good father. It's great to have women like you around to teach us the difference between a father and a dad... thank you.

Much love,


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Jun. 22, 2009 at 12:30 AM

Amen, girl. Amen.

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Jun. 23, 2009 at 1:50 AM

Abba Father for us...

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