i seriously still can't get over the fact that i had cancer. I lost 2 close friends to cancer a few years back & i took that very hard. ( see other journal entry ) the first few months after losing the both of them i kept thinking, " oh God what kind of cancer am i gonna die from?" i was/am scared to death of dying. I lost my mother week before my 8th birthday. & to this very day my heart aches for her. It just seems like death & dying has always played big parts in my life. So jump to this year. In March i decided i needed to really lose weight. I can't stand looking at myself anymore. So i started watching my food & started doing some exercising programs from On Demand. I was 2 weeks into my routine & really starting to feel good until Easter night. I don't know what happened but it felt like my stomach fell through my intestines. I was in PAIN! i thought maybe it was just constipation. I waited a few days & realized that it wasn't constipation. i decided to go into an Urgent Care place cuz i haven't been able to find a dr that i liked. They took blood, urine & did pelvic exam. The only thing they could find that was a little off was that i had a small amount of blood in my urine. No biggie especially since i was just getting off my period. They couldn't find anything else but i was in obvious pain so she decided to send me off the hospital to get a ct scan. THANK GOD the dr wrote that nice little word "stat" on it so i was able to get squeezed in that day! anyways i do that ct scan & they call me that night & tell me that i had an epiploic appendagitis, basically an inflammation of my intestines. THe dr said that i would be in pain for a few more days & she prescribed me vicodin's. a week later i get a call at 8am & its the original dr that i saw from urgent care. She was upset & asked me "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BACK?" i said i wasn't aware that i needed to. The other dr who called me about the scan results said to call the other dr if i needed more vicodin's and NOTHING ELSE!!!!! Dr says " why wouldn't you call me back? they found a tumor on your kindey & it is NOT a cyst. It looks like cancer. WAIT ? WHAT? cancer? OMG it happened! i got cancer. All i could think about was " i was going to die " i couldn't even think. I swear the room started spinning. I couldn't breath. THis can NOT be happening! I went to the urologist oncologist & he decided that the best (only) course of action was to have an open partial nephrectomy. I was going to have part of my kidney & tumor removed. Unfortunately kidney cancer does not respond to chemo or radiation, so surgery it only option at this point. HOLY SHIT! i went in on June 3rd. i was in surgery for only 1.5 hours & came out with a 10 inch incision with 20 staples on my left side. All i remember about laying there in ICU was seeing my hubby walking into that room with the biggest smile on his face. He gave me a kiss & said " they got it all! " Pathology said that i had Stage 1 grade 1 Renal Cell Carcinoma. It was the size of a grape. I am now 3 weeks out of surgery & starting to get back to normal. I still can't believe that i had cancer. I go for a follow -up ct scan in dec/jan to make sure they got it all & it hasn't come back. So basically now it is a waiting game. That is the worst part about all this is the WAITING. i had to wait a week to get into urologist, i had to wait little more than a month for the surgery & NOW i have to wait 6 mos to see if they got it all & everything looks good. I am have to "remind" myself sometimes not to panic. i am so WORRIED that it will come back or another tumor will show up on my other kidney (which usually happens if it does come back) I don't want to have to go through all this again. Plus i hate when people down play it. "oh it was small" or "you were only stage 1" or "it was caught early" You know what? FUCK YOU! you get cancer & see how you FEEL even if it was small. FUCK YOU! you have no idea what how i am feeling. So now i just play the waiting game & make every moment i have with my girls the very best.