i seriously still can't get over the fact that i had cancer.  I lost 2 close friends to cancer a few years back & i took that very hard.  ( see other journal entry )  the first few months after losing the both of them i kept thinking, " oh God what kind of cancer am i gonna die from?"  i was/am scared to death of dying.  I lost my mother week before my 8th birthday. & to this very day my heart aches for her.  It just seems like death & dying has always played big parts in my life.  So jump to this year.  In March i decided i needed to really lose weight.  I can't stand looking at myself anymore.  So i started watching my food & started doing some exercising programs from On Demand.  I was 2 weeks into my routine & really starting to feel good until Easter night.  I don't know what happened but it felt like my stomach fell through my intestines.  I was in PAIN!  i thought maybe it was just constipation.  I waited a few days & realized that it wasn't constipation.  i decided to go into an Urgent Care place cuz i haven't been able to find a dr that i liked.  They took blood, urine & did pelvic exam.  The only thing they could find that was a little off was that i had a small amount of blood in my urine.  No biggie especially since i was just getting off my period.  They couldn't find anything else but i was in obvious pain so she decided to send me off the hospital to get a ct scan.  THANK GOD the dr wrote that nice little word "stat" on it so i was able to get squeezed in that day! anyways i do that ct scan & they call me that night & tell me that i had an epiploic appendagitis, basically an inflammation of my intestines.  THe dr said that i would be in pain for a few more days & she prescribed me vicodin's.  a week later i get a call at 8am & its the original dr that i saw from urgent care.  She was upset & asked me "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BACK?"  i said i wasn't aware that i needed to.  The other dr who called me about the scan results said to call the other dr if i needed more vicodin's and NOTHING ELSE!!!!! Dr says " why wouldn't you call me back?  they found a tumor on your kindey & it is NOT a cyst.  It looks like cancer.  WAIT ? WHAT?  cancer?  OMG it happened! i got cancer.  All i could think about was " i was going to die " i couldn't even think.  I swear the room started spinning.  I couldn't breath.  THis can NOT be happening!  I went to the urologist oncologist & he decided that the best (only) course of action was to have an open partial nephrectomy.  I was going to have part of my kidney & tumor removed. Unfortunately kidney cancer does not respond to chemo or radiation, so surgery it only option at this point.  HOLY SHIT! i went in on June 3rd.  i was in surgery for only 1.5 hours & came out with a 10 inch incision with 20 staples on my left side.  All i remember about laying there in ICU was seeing my hubby walking into that room with the biggest smile on his face.  He gave me a kiss & said " they got it all! "   Pathology said that i had Stage 1 grade 1 Renal Cell Carcinoma.  It was the size of a grape.  I am now 3 weeks out of surgery & starting to get back to normal.  I still can't believe that i had cancer.  I go for a follow -up ct scan in dec/jan to make sure they got it all & it hasn't come back.  So basically now it is a waiting game.  That is the worst part about all this is the WAITING.  i had to wait a week to get into urologist, i had to wait little more than a month for the surgery & NOW i have to wait 6 mos to see if they got it all & everything looks good.  I am have to "remind" myself sometimes not to panic.  i am so WORRIED that it will come back or another tumor will show up on my other kidney (which usually happens if it does come back) I don't want to have to go through all this again. Plus i hate when people down play it.  "oh it was small" or "you were only stage 1" or "it was caught early" You know what? FUCK YOU!  you get cancer & see how you FEEL even if it was small.  FUCK YOU! you have no idea what how i am feeling.   So now i just play the waiting game & make every moment i have with my girls the very best. 

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Comments:

bjdmom
Jan. 13, 2010 at 8:39 PM

Just read your journal. We have a lot in common. I had stage 1 RCC and had an open partial nephrectomy (right kidney) in Sept 2003.

Hope you are doing well!

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CMAmomma
Mar. 16, 2010 at 5:24 PM

I can tell you are stong by your journal.. hope you feel better!!

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Calli...
Mar. 18, 2010 at 10:14 PM

I'm glad that they got all of your cancer! Cancer is such a scary thing to deal with...the emotional side of it is very traumatic. I hope to be cancer free by September right along with you! Good luck to you hun and stay strong!

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uniqu...
May. 13, 2010 at 6:57 AM

hugs

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sweet...
Feb. 10, 2011 at 6:18 AM

I am happy they got all of the cancer as well. My Grandfather currently has stage 4 lung cancer, and he is currently doing home hospice. Cancer is a very scary thing and very real. I am paranoid anytime I feel like I have something other than a normal cold. I sometimes feel like it will happen to me, it's just a matter of time. I hope not. I shouldn't think that way, but I do sometimes. A couple months ago I went to the doctors for stomach pain, and I had different tests run on me, because based off my symptoms they said I might have an ulcer or something. Turned out to be nothing. Then one of the doctors asked me if I had stress at home, or a reason to come to the doctors. As if to say I made it up, because some people make up stories. I was like, um no. I don't have health insurance and the last thing I need is to waste my time, money that I don't have, to see if I have something serious. I never go to the Doctors unless I think its something serious that needs to be checked. 

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