Happy Anniversary

[jenl123]

We're coming up on our 10th anniversary this summer!  Wow, one year of dating, ten years of marriage, and four kids, three houses, four cars, and a handful of pets later......

On the surface, I've got it pretty good.  My family is healthy and happy and I'm living my dream of being a stay at home homeschooling mom.

Then, when I look back, the perceived reality of my marriage hits me.  As long as I've known him, he has been unhappy at his jobs and dissatisfied with his finances, and as any woman can attest to, that makes for an unhappy and dissatisfied man.  I just do not understand what can make a person live in situations which are unsatisfying for so long, and not do anything about it.  Every time he looks to me for support on a job change, I tell him I'm happy to be wherever he wants to be as long as he finds happiness.  This is very frustrating for me as a wife because it seems to me he just decides not to choose contentment.

For example, I am trying to ask him about my volunteering at a local event next month, and since he has no personal interest in the event, he refuses to even acknowledge that I'm interested so that we can discuss arrangements.  His head is so filled with his (lack of) life that he does not even hear me.  I know this sounds mean, but it is true at least from my eyes.

I feel like I have been waiting for ten years now.  Waiting for him to land the right position.  Waiting for him to decide where we'll live.  Waiting for him to "find himself."  Waiting for him to notice me and the rest of the world.

Now, I would never say this to him, or to anyone close to me really, but I have no idea why I married this man.  I always saw myself with a strong, confident, Bible beater!  I know my job is to respect and support him, so that is what I concentrate on.  I am in this for life.  I do what I can to listen to him, make his life easier, and be the kind of wife he needs.  But I got to tell you - when does it amount to anything??  I mean, really... ten years of this crap??

I'm sorry I'm such a loser, he says.  No you're not honey!  I say.  I'll be there for you as soon as I get myself together, he actually says.  You're a great husband, honey, I say.  I hate being on welfare, he says.  Then let's get a job, honey, I say.  No, I'll get my business off the ground any day now!  he says.

I know this is building character in me right now and God will use this somehow, but I really feel like it is inhibiting so much for us.  We have no couple friends to this day, because he won't let me invite anyone over and refuses to go if invited somewhere.  My friends have no idea how unhappy I am because I feel like I would be saying something disrespectful about him.  I'm unable to commit to anything beyond a few weeks because he insists that we'll be moving within a couple of months.  (He's said that for years.)

I'm just dissapointed in myself.  I have no idea how to handle this, and I feel like I've really done something wrong to put myself in this situation.  I know my mother has been silently unhappy in her marriage for decades, and I promised myself I wouldn't do that.

Now look at me.

It's my first decade.

[dandcand]

Jul. 17, 2009 at 11:33 AM

I know that you don't know me, but I am new to this sight.  I was looking at the suggestion of moms that I might like to know and happened upon your profile.  I just read this journal entry and it struck a cord with me.  I, too, am a homeschooling mother of 4.  My husband and I are about to celebrate our 12th anniversary next month.  We have had our ups and our downs, but I can honestly say that I am more in love with him now than I have ever been.  Let me explain. 

About a year ago, he was demoted from a job that he had spent his whole career persuing.  He worked in a grocery chain as a bakery manager.  He had worked all sorts of management positions at this store, and he was an excellent manager.  He hated the amount of time that it took from his family, however.  He was working over 100 hours a week.  I had begun to grow apart from him.  I told him many times that  he felt like a stranger to me.  I was also going through a little baby blues after having our youngest.  We didn't really talk much or have any quality time together.  He was so tired when he was home.

I began praying for God to change my heart.  Not change him, though I desired this so much, but change me.  I prayed for him to get a new job, too.  I began to spend time with the Lord asking Him to change my heart and attitude.  I wanted to be the best wife that I could be for the glory of God, no matter how much he hurt me as a husband. 

Well, he was demoted last year by no fault of his own, and that was so hard for us.  We knew God was doing something, but it was painful to struggle with 4 kids on so small an income.  Anyway, God worked through us and we grew content with where we were.  He had more time and our needs were met. 

Then God dropped a new job opportunity right in his lap, a completely new course.  He got an excellent job as a groundskeeper.  Most think it a humbling change, but my husband and I didn't care.  We were blessed with more income and more time!  He now has all holidays and weekends/evenings off.  We have a date night twice a month.  He has started meeting with a few men from the church for a bible study.  He is a completely different man!  I, too, am a completely different woman.

I tell you all this, not to make you feel worse.  But, to give you hope that God can change anything.  I would like to be here to help encourage you through this time if you would let me.  If not, I will pray for you none-the-less.  I will pray for God's wisdom and strength.  You can do this and have a happy marriage.  It is possible, I know!  If you would like to contact me, do so.  God bless you.