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The Atheist Chronicles Part VI: 'Til Death; this atheist's view on marriage
- Jun 24, 2009 at 12:27 PM
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- Comments (13) Total Views (509) Everyone can see this journal post.
So, this is likely to be a long post because marriage is kind of a complicated affair. Just a little warning before you start reading...get comfy.
Well, it's nearing the end of June and the wedding season has been in full force for a few weeks now. I myself have attended several this year, including my brother's wedding. I have seen a small, lovely ceremony and a grand, lavish ceremony that costs more than both my cars. I have also been following the evolution of gay marriage in our country since it is an issue that affects my family directly. I am the proud sister of a gay woman and the niece of a gay woman and the fearless friend to many gay men and women alike. So, I've kind of been surrounded by the wedding thing for what seems like years now. Not to mention the husband and I reach a milestone this November in our marriage...we hit the big 10yr mark! So, marriage and weddings and what-not have been on my brain. I've actually been writing this post in my head for well over a month. Let's hope I get it all out here in one post so I can rid my brain of this post as it's been driving me crazy.
Now, I'm not going to talk about where marriage came from or if we should legalize gay marriage (we should) or any of that. What I'm going to talk about is what marriage means to ME. See, the religious right wants us to believe that marriage is something that comes from God...sacred and ordained by him and only him. (Contrary of course, to historical accounts but hey, what's a little revisionist history amongst nuts?) They believe that God meant for one man and one woman to marry each other...and apparently they think he meant it was OK for them to divorce and re-marry other men and women as much as they chose judging by their divorce rates...but I digress. This is how I, an atheist, views marriage.
I have actually been married twice in my life. The first time I was 19 and young and stupid and thought I was in love...and I was. Only I wasn't in love with the guy...I was in love with his steady job and his insurance benefits and at the time I was a single mom with a 1yr old and nothing was more attractive to me than stability. But, I married him anyway...we divorced 3yrs later. Big shock, I know. When I met my current husband, Billy, I was pretty sure I would never marry again. It just didn't seem like something I wanted to do and I wasn't interested. But he persisted and he eventually changed my mind. A wedding was planned. By somebody else...I basically hired a woman and said 'Plan it and tell me when and where and I'll be there'. I bought a dress and showed up on time. Again, I was stupid. We both were. And this is the thought that is always in my head as I sit in the pews and watch young couples vow to love, honor and cherish. I think 'These poor, dumb children have no idea what they are in for.' I know I didn't.
Oh yeah, I thought I did...we all do. We put on the poofy dress and cut the cake and save the flowers thinking that life is going to be grand and great. We KNOW that times may get tough and we THINK we can handle it...but when it does, we are thrown off balance. Nobody tells us what is really in store for us. Nobody stands at the altar thinking 'This person that I'm pledging my life to is going to hurt me in some way...physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically, etc.' We don't think that because we just know OUR beloved would NEVER do such a THING! But, they do...and then, if the harmful things they do to you isn't enough, that other person has the audacity to grow and change and mature as they get older and sometimes it means they become a different person! How dare they do that!! After all, you had it in your head how your life was going to go and you expected them to behave a certain way and they changed YOUR plan! Bastard!
See, when I stood at the altar 10yrs ago...and it was an altar, in a chapel with a preacher since I hadn't gone full-on atheist at that point...I was sitting on the 'spiritual, but not religious' fence...I was not the person I am today. Neither was my husband. But we didn't know that...the thought never entered our heads. We thought we knew and had somebody come up to us with a crystal ball and said 'Listen, in the next ten years you will encounter job loss, eviction, bankruptcy, 2 children that will have problems of their own, a cancer scare, an affair by one of you and then a diagnosis of a chronic illness for which there is no cure...oh, and one of you is going to have a nervous breakdown..and that's just your FIRST 10yrs!' then we would have laughed and told them they were nuts! But, we have. We have encountered all of that...and more, believe it or not. Because that's what life is all about.
The year Billy and I got married 2 other couples that we were friends with also married. Those marriages have long since dissolved and they didn't even see some of the hardship we have seen. One of them dissolved just because the husband got bored. So, why have we survived these 10yrs and all it's trials? Well, I can tell you that Billy and I have certain rules in our marriage. Rule #1: Our marriage is the most important thing to us and our family. It is the foundation for our children. Both of us are kids of divorce and not matter how amicable, divorce always fucks a kid up in some way. So, we have agreed that we are going to try to stay married so we don't fuck up our kids. Rule #2: We don't fight ugly. We never call each other names and we never get personal. If my husband ever called me a 'slut' or a 'bitch' or one of those names that I see some men have called their wives on this site, he dies, or at the least loses a few teeth...pretty simple. Rule #3: We exhaust all avenues of help before we give up. We have been to marriage counseling...twice. We have read books. We have sought out help online. So far, it's worked...it's gotten us through the last year where we saw one of us have an emotional affair, one of us have a nervous breakdown and one of us have major surgery and deal with a chronic illness. We talk to each other continuously...all the time. We are honest and brutal. We also realize that life is not pretty...in fact, it's pretty ugly. We acknowledge that neither of us is perfect and sometimes we are going to get on each other's nerves. But does that mean that we give up? No...it means we #1. work harder to get back on track or #2. we wait out the hard time and the annoying thing the other person is doing.
To many people these days give up when it gets hard. Now, obviously I'm not talking about people who are going through some serious shit like domestic violence...if you are being abused, leave NOW! Don't hesitate to divorce...get out immediately. No, I'm talking to the people walking around looking at their husband and thinking 'he's just so boring and I'm not in love anymore and that new guy at work makes me feel so special'....those are the people I'm talking about. If your marriage is on the rocks, then throw yourself a life-line and try to rescue it instead of letting it slam into the rocks over and over. Take Jon and Kate...and I can't believe I'm using them as an example...they are having some problems, right? And now they say they're divorcing. This is so sad. There is no reason why they can't save this thing if they wanted to...of course it would mean cancelling that insipid show and closing ranks and getting down to business but they won't do that...it would hurt their wallets to much. Nobody thinks it's those poor kids that are really going to pay the price here. The kids always pick up the check at the end of a marriage.
Last year my husband got a little to close to one of my best friends. We had been having problems and we were dealing with them but my 'friend' decided she wanted my husband and used his vulnerability to try to seduce him. He took the bait and began an emotional affair with her. I found out by accident and at first I was homicidal...really, when she showed up at my house the morning I discovered the emails I lunged for her throat. Then I was devastated. But, I didn't leave him. I couldn't do that to my kids...and I told him so. I told him that because I didn't want to tear the kids apart I would stay for them and that it was up to him to convince me to stay past my deadline of 90 days. That's right, I took off my wedding rings and I gave him 3 months to convince me I should put them back on my finger. Why didn't I leave? Initially, for my kids...I didn't want to uproot them in a knee-jerk reaction like that. Then, I started to see that he was truly sorry. He really didn't mean to do what he did and he was truly contrite. He spent the next 3 months working really hard to regain my trust and making me want to continue being married to him. Was it easy? Hell no...it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Was it worth it? Hell yes...and then some. We emerged stronger than ever. I could have left...nobody would have blamed me, right? I mean, when a man cheats you're supposed to leave, right? Sorry...I couldn't. I don't know how, but I just knew that this was an abnormal thing for him to do and that a knee-jerk reaction of leaving would be the wrong thing to do...and I was right.
To many people leave marriages when things get hard...that's the bottom line. We make to many rash decisions when we aren't thinking clearly and we are more interested in hurting the person who hurt us then thinking about how our actions is going to affect us and our kids in 3 months, 6 months, 1 year down the road. We are shocked when our spouse does something stupid or illogical or even hurtful and we are so quick to toss them onto the trash heap of life and say 'See ya!' We would never do this to our kids...we love our kids unconditionally...why can't we love our spouse this way? Again, I'm not talking to those of you who have spouses that are harming you physically or cheating over and over or doing some major fucked-up stuff that is genuinely dangerous to you or your kids. I'm talking to those of you that have just lost the communication line with your spouse and instead of grabbing for it and holding on tight you just give up. I'm talking to those of you with spouses that are basically good people but have some annoying habits. I'm talking to those of you that have gotten so lost in your kids that you forgot you have a husband that needs you to be a wife. And stop calling marriage 'work'...it's not work and it makes it sound like a job which then makes it sound like an obligation. Marriage should be more of a journey. Billy and I liken life to a walk...and we are walking together. Comedian Katt Williams said it best (quoted to the best of my memory) "No matter how fucked up your marriage is...if you have found somebody who is willing to walk with you through life, day in and day out, through all the fucked up shit that life throws at you...then be thankful because THAT is a beautiful fucking thing to have!" And he's right...no matter how fucked-up life is and no matter what it throws at me, I know that if I look next to me, I am not alone...my husband is walking with me. He's going to be there to back me up, urge me on and fight for me when I'm to tired to fight. He will pull me along or even pick me up and carry me if I need him to...he has my back no matter what. And I have his...we are a team and a force to be reckoned with at times.
Ten years have almost come and gone for Billy and me. We have had our share of good and bad...we have watched our kids grow and we have bought cars and houses and traveled. We've been flush with cash and busted broke. We have fought and laughed and loved and cried and we have made promises only to break them and make them again. But the most important promise we have kept...we promised we would be there for each other and take care of each other and in the process, we have felt our love grow. We love each other with an intensity that borders on insanity. We have wanted to kill each other...and we are willing to die for each other. I look forward to the next 10yrs with my husband...and the 10 after that...and the 10 after that. They won't all be easy...I know that now. But I also know that I have the strength to stay through the tough times...and that's what marriage is about for me.
Comments:
Beautiful & so very true!
I don't quite have 10 years under my belt yet (was 3 years in Feb of this year), but everything you say rings true. We've had our fights, bad enough that more than once we've thrown our wedding bands at each other and played the silent treatment game for days on end. But in the end, we've always worked things out. We fight until we realize the main reason we're fighting: That our communication has broken down. Then we talk and we work things out.
Amazigng post! Rings amazingly true.
This was amazing... I too have an atheist marriage- and we are committed to each other and our grrls. No room for a *third party* so to speak. I love my husband more intensely and deeply than when we married- and that is saying something- cuz I was obsessed!! LOL Sticking it out when things get hard is the important part- but so is maintaining that love- my parents stayed married for us kids- all the way til I was 18... then they divorced. I knew though for a long time that they needed to split up. I didn't learn how to have a good marriage from them. I did learn what not to do...
Well I have to write(being a person who believes in God)that this is a beautiful post.I've been married 17 years with 3 children ages--18 ,15 and 6. I would be honored if you became a marriage counselor!!Your honesty and insight brought tears.I married young twice.1st marriage lasted less than a year.I hope many will look past the belief barriers of this post,they could only benefit.
Great post! My husband and I will hit 11 years this October--married when we were 22 and still going. It hasn't been easy, but I feel much the same way you do and have stuck it out. For better or worse, he's my partner :)
Congrats on your 10 years.
I'm hitting my 9 year mark this year. This post really hits a nerve - its SO true. Right now we are in a down slump. Financial crap - stuff we know not to blame each other for. We also don't fight ugly either. Name calling is not allowed in our home either. And if we fight in front of the child, we make up in front of him too. He needs to see both. I look at my parents as my role models. They got married at 19 & 20 years old in 1974. I came along 3 years later. In the past 34 years they've been married, they've buried a son (at age 4 no less), had 3 more daughters, the youngest to be diagnosed with severe austim, and lost more family members in a 5 year period than anyone should, and now my Dad has been laid off. But in December it's 35 years for them. I hope I'm just like them....
Beautiful post. Heh... makes me think of my first fight with my DH though.... we got into it over picking spagetti sauce at Wal-Mart (how dumb is that?!) and on the way home he started to cuss at me. I pulled over and told him to walk the rest of the way if he wanted to talk like that. I was NOT going to put up with it. He shut up.... and when we got home he bolted off on his own for about an hour, and when he came back he appologized and was ready to talk to me the RIGHT way. Never has he attempted to talk down to me since that day... although we still both recount the story on occasion to remind us of how far we have come.
This year we celebrated 7 years... he is Korea and I am back here in the States watching our 1 and 3 year old sons. It's definitely NOT easy, but we are doing this walk together in every way possible, and in just seven more months we will be back together and moving on yet again. I look forward to what life brings us, even the bad times, because I know I have him to walk through it all with me.
And that, is marrige.
I think in today's society people don't really have a good grasp of what marrige is. What it entails and what it means (or should mean) to the people in it. This post was beautiful, and I admit that in the first 3 yrs. of marrige...if somebody would have told me prior what I would be infor...I would have laughed. But, like you, I am in it for better, for the worst. Thank you for the perspective, it was renewing!
If someone told me we would have had our first blow-up-took-the-wedding-rings-and-threw-them fight just shy of our 1st anniversary, I would have laughed. If someone told me bankruptcy was in store for us, I would have laughed. But here we are 3 years into marriage and stronger than we were when we said I do (in a courthouse by the way) I'm in this for the long haul. I'm looking forward to all the good times and the bad times that our life has in store for us.
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i so adore you kaye.
marriage is betwwen those 2 people who are committing themselves to eachother. be it female/male, male/male, female/female.
in 23 years we also had our ups & downs, ins & outs but we put our commitment to each other above all.
marriage is hard work & it takes 2 to make one work.
we eloped. we stood in this cute little old mans livingroom & said our commitments to one another.
no mention of god .
god had nothing to do in our marriage. we were happy.
god had nothing to do at his funeral. there was no need for even mentioning a god.
what 2 people share in life & death are their own paths in life.
i'm on a new path, i will never marry again. i don't want to. end of story.
i will someday have a companion but i know in my heart i can never commit to anothers heart like i was with D.
i am in awe of your writing. i love you . i am so happy that you call me a friend.
- justjacki
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