The Most Hurt

[sophiafarris]

Dear J____,

I'm writing you this letter in my journal because you probably won't ever get to see it anyway. Who knows...maybe someday I'll be able to tell you all of this. But for now, it really is simply for my own purposes...just to say what I need to say in the hopes that I can feel the lightening of the heaviness that has settled on my entire being.

Today is your birthday. June 25^th. Twenty-nine years old. We were born in the same hospital, remember? I always somehow felt that that brought us closer together, having that in common. It was something only you and I could share. No one else. You and I were both born in the same unique place...a place that's dear to me...my childhood home...and somehow that, partially, allowed me to hold you dear to me as well, right from the start.

On Sunday, the 21^st, I got home from S_____'s birthday party at the Café wishing that I could call you and tell you all about it...that your mom was there and that S_____ and I both missed you and wished you could have been there, too. I hadn't heard from you in a couple of weeks, and the last time I'd tried your cell phone it had been disconnected. I was unsure of what was up, and hadn't had the chance to talk to your mom about it. At the Gallery one afternoon she asked me if I'd heard from you and I said no, and I could sense the tension and could tell there was more she wanted to say, but then other people came in and it was an inappropriate time to continue talking.

It's truly ironic how things turn out. I came home, immediately expressing to my mom in the safety of our own home, how much I missed you and had been thinking that I wished you could have been at S_____'s party. You meant a lot to her. I talk about you most every day, but even as I spoke the words of questioning to my mom about why you had stopped calling so suddenly, and why I couldn't get a hold of you, my instinct told me there was a reason that I would soon find out.

And that evening, in fact, I did find out.

You shot a man in the head. You shot him and then beat him with a metal pipe, stole his wallet, and fled. The police were looking for you. They knew your name. The search warrant for your house...511 N. Cedar...you were supposed to call me with that address, but you never did and now it will be forever ingrained in my collective thoughts... came up empty...they didn't find you. But you turned yourself in a few days later. It was what you wanted...to go back to prison. There's safety in what you know. I guess you just couldn't make it.

I don't know why you did what you did. I don't know what you shot W_____ S_____. Were there drugs involved? You said you got violent when you were doing drugs. What did W_____ S_____ do to deserve being beaten and shot in the head? I may never know the answers to any of it, but believe that I've spent hours inside my own head asking them over and over again, and will spend hours more doing it for the rest of my life. And not just those questions either, many more, including the ones I shouldn't even want to know the answers to. What gun did you use? Was it one that I've seen...touched? What were you wearing? Were you doing meth...or something else...or nothing? What was going through your head when you shot him? While you beat him? When you took his wallet and fled the scene? Where did you go? Why did you turn yourself in? Do you regret it? Do you know that he lost his vision in one eye and partial hearing, and that you broke his jaw in three places? Thank God you didn't kill him, all though that was your intention. Do you care? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why J_____?

And sadly, I'll also wonder if you miss me. If you think about me. If you wonder whether I know what you did...what I think about you....if I miss you...if I still care about you. I hope that it crosses your mind. And if I could tell you, I would tell you that I am disgusted by you and by what you've done. It made me sick, literally, to find out. I can't and may never be able to understand what brought you to that point or why you did it, but it makes me sick to think of it. But believe it not, I still love you, and I won't ever be able to stop caring about you. I wish I could understand what made you commit such a horrible crime. I wish I could hear you tell me why. I wish there was an explanation. I wish I could have been able to make enough of a difference in your life that it wouldn't have turned out that way.

I watch the news clip over and over...with your picture. I stare at the computer reading the same articles over and over again...looking up your court case to see if there's any new information. Your preliminary hearing is on July 9^th and I wish I could be in Oklahoma to be at it.

I've spent hours looking at every picture of you I have, and then going back and looking at your picture on the news. The same man who I invested every ounce of emotion I had in...the same man I told I loved...the same man I talked to every day and let myself be vulnerable to...the same man I trusted...the same man that my daughter loved...the same man who said he would come back for me and someday he'd marry me....that same man almost killed another human being. The same hands that touched my cheek...that held me in a protective, loving, warm, comforting embrace...that held my daughter and carried her around and played with her...that wiped away my tears...those hands pulled the trigger and gripped a piece of cold metal that almost took a man's life.

You told me you didn't want people to judge you because of your past. And I didn't. I TRULY didn't. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt. I truly believe you to be a wonderful person who sometimes wasn't given enough of a chance. I wrote you a list of all the things I loved about you...and I meant them all. I meant them all with all my heart. I loved you deeply and truly for who you were, without questioning it, and without letting your past cloud my judgment. I'd only ever seen you to be a loving, caring, hardworking, amazing person, and I believed that you were, beyond a shadow of a doubt. I allowed myself to be close to you. What if it had been me you hurt...or someone close to me?

It's funny though because I believe that my life now will be even more consumed with you then it had already become. I fully intend to write your story, still, and I like to think that that means I will talk to and see you again, and maybe someday have the answers to the things I will inevitably wonder, day after day.

I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you've chosen this for your life....and because the person hurt the most by this, J____, is you. You have chosen to be the person you didn't want people to believe that you were. You'll spend the rest of your life, or at least most of it, in prison. More or less, you've lost your chance. And you HAD the chance. You had the opportunities. Why did you so readily throw them away? Like I said, there's safety in what you know...and at least I have the comfort in knowing that in prison, you'll be all right.

Lastly, I want you to know that you're on my mind...good and bad...and also that I think of J______ every day. S_____ and I will hold the necklace you gave her dear to us forever. I play the song that I wrote for him and for you as often as I can. I had written a new verse, and was working on a recording of it. That's why I wanted your mailing address. I wanted you to have it and be able to listen to it whenever you wanted.

J______, I can hear you calling out your father's name
Wondering if he can hear, or if it's all in vain.
But know your daddy loves you,
and know he always will.
And know that every tear that's falling
comes from when he hears you calling.
Don't forget that we all love you still.

Happy Birthday, J______...

Sophia

Note: I edited out names just for people's protection and ensured safety. I hope it does not lessen the meaning of these words in any way.

[babymomma0306]

Jun. 26, 2009 at 12:39 AM

[ARichey]

Jun. 26, 2009 at 12:47 AM

Im so sorry you are going through this. Im familiar with the pain you are feeling. Wondering, waiting, wanting answers.... I pray that God gives you the strength to move past it all and know that there will be better days!

[Turtle207]

Jun. 26, 2009 at 4:58 AM

That was beautiful.  I'm sorry for your pain.

[Peaceful_Turtle]

Jun. 26, 2009 at 4:18 PM

wow... you are one amazing write. I'm sorry for your pain... sometimes you just never know someone, until you know them. Know what I mean? I have had some pain in my life, and found shocking secrets about the ones who I have loved and who loved me back... it's awful and it eats away at you until there's almost nothing left. Then, slowly... it fades away and you begin to feel the color come back your essence. Stay strong as I cn tell in your writing that you are. You will have peace...