Bully husband / Victim Wife - links added

[Tatum2U]

   I spent some time today wondering through other women's Journals. I came across a lot on marriage or relationships. Often it was about how the Husband was a bully. I am sure there are way to many bully Husbands ( from here on we'll call them BH's)  in the world and I certainly know that it can be almost impossible to live with . I also think it's sometimes best to just get the hell out. Of course that's easier said then done especially when we have children this can all get so much more complicated.

What will the effect of his bullying be on the children? How can him and I be a united front if I feel I need to protect my children from his verbal bullying of them ? How do I maintain my dignity in front of the kids if my relationship w/the father is so dysfunctional? What sort of example is all of this for them? etc etc

  I notice women saying things in their Journals like "I remained calm.." or "I tried to be reasonable and let him get it out of his system.." well , here goes I disagree with the way your handling it , looking at it   and    discussing it.. I wouldn't post it to your Journal because I realize your in pain.   But the , "I'm right and reasonable and he's not.." just is not sitting well with me.  I don't buy it.  I am not saying these BH's don't exist or that the women made him that way , no way They are WRONG and no-one should be treated that way by a person who supposedly loves them , That saying "Love isn't suppose to hurt" is true.

 That all said another thought comes to mind and it goes something like this "Victims are basically volunteers."  sorry ,  it's how I see it. I do damn well know there are not easy answers here. But can we not pretend that women are completely innocent here and that she's not getting ANYTHING out of this role she has on some level agreed to play in the relationship? Women are not helpless and these men bully because so far it's been allowed.

   How about this if he starts bullying you say "I will not tolerate intolerable behaviour ,  I'm embarrassed for you."  and WALK AWAY .  Do not try and reason with unreasonable men ,  do not sit silently while they "Get it out" and stop complaining and being the victim. Stand up and walk away , take the kids and go to the park. Do not pretend that by allowing him to spew hatred at you that your working on the relationship you are not , you are allowing the behaviour.  So stop allowing the behaviour and being his enabler.  You are his audience and you do get something out of it or you would walk away.  If your afraid to walk away then you should run away. Look into a shelter if you need to or are not safe. Ladies, you are strong and you deserve to be treated with nothing less then Love and RESPECT as much as it's hurting you it's hurting your children even more and even though you aren't responsible for HIS behaviour you are responsible for yours . When BH starts going off the deep end then give him a time out by letting him know that you will not tolerate unacceptable behaviour from him and then walk away and diffuse the issue.

That's it. Now you can say what you will in the comments section. But I had to get it off my chest. I don't believe grown women (Mothers) should view themselves as victims and stay in that role , you do have a choice when it comes to dysfunctional relationships and for the most part ;  people do things because they are getting something out of it , therefore believe it or not the female in these instances is getting something out of it , because  , if it stopped working for either one of them then it would stop! I am simply suggesting the women put a stop to it right away.

 Updated ----  links added to express what I seem unable to.

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/09/03/93-tftd-on-being-a-victim/

http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

 

[hlplay82]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 4:09 PM

interesting POV, but things are, more often than not, WAY more compicated than they seem to those on the outside. 

you can change your locks, but since their name is on the lease, the landlord will let them in. (or on the mortgage and police force you to let him back in)
you've got a serious amount of sentimental stuff accumulated and you need to slowly move them into storage before you can actually take the kids and run away. 
you're waiting to take the kids to a doctor or counselor and get the abuse documented.
you are a SAHM with no bank account (he got it overdrawn and then closed) and no access to money.
you don't have a car to take the kids and what belongings you can fit in and get out.
you have no support network to get you the hell out.
the shelter is full and turns you away.
you believe that by trying harder to "be the perfect wife" (spot-free house, meal on the table when they get home, sex whenever they want it, happy children, etc.) you can get the abuse to stop, or at least get it to lessen.
we believe our children are oblivious, and therefore are better off with both parents (even when mommy is unhappy), than a single thriving happy mom.

i'm sure there are plenty more reasons than those i've listed here.  so, please don't assume that their is something we "get" out of this nonsense.  yeah, we still love them, but less.  instead of asking "why do women stay?" one should be ASKing "why do men abuse the women they say they love?"

[mrsary]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 5:09 PM

i fought back, i have my own career and he was living under my roof with his name not on lease and i would also try to leave or kick him out. when i fought back he hit harder when i tried to leave or make him leave the fighting got worse. he would take my phones and keys and block the door so i couldn't get out. i finally got him out cause i called the cops to have him removed from my apt. these men cannot be controlled no matter who the woman is or what she does.

[Tatum2U]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 5:27 PM

I am not talking about men that are out and out abusive. I am talking about the man who likes to overly criticizes his wife and verbally bully her you may think it's overly simplified but it's not if a man speaks in away that is disrespectful to you then you should not be his audience. If a man is childish and rude you should not put up with it for the sake of anything it does damage children and giving him back an honest answer that he doesn't like may help to get him to re-think the use of such tactics. for example he says something belittling and cruel and you say "When you speak like that you sound disgusting to me." and you walk away . well he is NO longer getting wait he wanted out of that kind of talk and he is also being denied YOU . It is effective and works much better then allowing him to spout until he runs out of steam , or attempting to have a grown up conversation about whatever it is with a peraon who is showing you know respect and most probably not listening. People do this because they are insecure and want control so do not allow this to work as a control or he will continue STOP allowing him to victimize. and again I am not saying it's easy to leave . I am only talking about a bully not an out and out abuser. Also walk away in these circumstances means for a small period of time not forever or Even an entire day.

(Original Poster)

[Tatum2U]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 5:30 PM

don't assume that their is something we "get" out of this nonsense.  yeah, we still love them, but less.  instead of asking "why do women stay?" one should be ASKing "why do men abuse the women they say they love?"

AGAIN NOT talking about an abusive guy! and in those circumstances she may need counseling to leave and all the resources and supports in place she can get..I get it! I do. I am ONLY talking about lazy insecure verbal bully husband. Do you see the diffrence?

(Original Poster)

[mrsary]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 5:31 PM

he sounds out an out Abusive and is NOT what I am writing about. I am sorry you went through that.

(Original Poster)

[unsettledinutah]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 6:47 PM

I can see how someone who has never been through this situation could see the victim as a volunteer, and not really recognize verbal abuse as abusive.  But the truth is no one volunteers for abuse, and they are in fact victims.  No matter what someone does, there is no reason and no excuse for abuse.  Bullying is abuse. 

You are right, women should get out, and there is no reason to expose children to such nonsense.  However saying that you need to get out and actually doing it are far different things.  Many women are blindsided by this kind of behavior, and find it incomprehensible that the man they think they love has motives of power and control (the root of all bully type behavior) rather than just having a bad day or whatever.  When we are in a relationship with someone, we assume that mutual love and respect exists, and abusive men are all about disrespect.  It is difficult for women in this situation to realize that they cannot change their partner's underlying basic beliefs and attitudes about power and control. 

Your suggestion that women let their abusive partners know that abusive behavior is unacceptable is a good one, but realize that most abusers do not respond to this.  In fact standing up to an abuser can sometimes make him more (not less) abusive as he continues to try to assert his perceived right to dominance.

Living with a bully/abuser is a no-win situation, and it is women and children who lose.  Men who bully their partners are cowards, losers and often criminals.  We are sometimes frustrated to see that women are not standing up for themselves, but we need to realize that standing up to an abuser is often in vain, and leads to more abuse.  What these women need from us is understanding, support, and a clear message that abuse is wrong.  Women that are abused are not to blame for being abused,  and they need our help, understanding and support, not our judgment and criticism.  Women who escape abuse do it much more easily with lots of support and assurances that someone else's choice to abuse them is not their fault.

I am not saying that there has never been a woman who has volunteered to be abused, but I am saying that in the vast majority of cases, they are not active participants "desiring" their own abuse and "getting something out of it."  Far more often they are blindsided by the abuse, and they have no idea how to label it as abusive, let alone escape it. 

Are abused women perfect?  Of course not.  But do they bring it on themselves?  No.  No matter what a woman does, she does not deserve abuse.  There is no excuse for it.  We should be holding accountable those who cause the abuse, the abusers.  No one else chooses their unacceptable behavior, they do.  Culpability lies squarely on the shoulders of the abuser.

[hlplay82]

Jun. 27, 2009 at 11:18 PM

don't assume that their is something we "get" out of this nonsense.  yeah, we still love them, but less.  instead of asking "why do women stay?" one should be ASKing "why do men abuse the women they say they love?"

AGAIN NOT talking about an abusive guy! and in those circumstances she may need counseling to leave and all the resources and supports in place she can get..I get it! I do. I am ONLY talking about lazy insecure verbal bully husband. Do you see the diffrence?

I guess I can see what you are saying.  However, reading your journal, it felt as though you were specificaly talking about my MANY journal posts on domestic abuse.  Writing helps me cope, until I CAN get a real life support network, some money/resources, and get out.  Yeah, mine's not physical assault, but the many other forms have been hard for me, an emotional wreck, to deal with.

[beyondhopes]

Jun. 28, 2009 at 1:23 AM

Are you speaking as a survivor of dv.,..,or just a person who thinks they know it all! Until you have walked in a dv victims shoes,,,until you have experienced dv on a personal level,,,where you in fact got out,,somehow and someway...who are you to give advice? Have a good day,,,L

[Arisa]

Jun. 28, 2009 at 1:25 AM

One more thing... Abusers start the process with verbal abuse and things deteriorate from there gradually over time.  The physical wounds heal fairly quickly, but the emotional and verbal abuse take years and can be even more damaging to us. 

Thanks... Take care of yourself and Stay Safe,

Arisa

[Tatum2U]

Jun. 28, 2009 at 9:04 AM

You women are reading way to much into this I am only talking about a man who attempts to verbally be to controlling not actually crossing the line of abuse and I am speaking from both EXPERIENCE and COUNSELING that turned it all around. If your Husband or SO has gone past that point into abuse then fucking do what ever you have to and yes you have my sympathy but so so sorry that reality is that YES if it's squabbling and your playing victim YOU DO HAVE A ROLE in it.

(Original Poster)