How Did I Get Here?

[MotherInMyHeart]

Throughout my 20's the idea of being a mother was only a passing thought. I didn't feel maternal but felt I should have a child because I didn't want to regret not having one once I was old and grey. However, I wanted to wait until my 30's after I was married and more established.

When I was 26 years old, I decided to try my hand at stand up comedy and was hooked. Eventually, I would spend every weekend commuting to comedy clubs throughout Los Angeles county to stand in front of a microphone. As time went on, my goals expanded into television. I wanted to be the next Roseanne or Whoopi Goldberg. I worked hard writing jokes and networked regularly to further my career; taking acting classes along the way. Over time, I landed a theatrical agent as well as a commercial agent. I was on my way!

When I finally booked my first national commercial, I was on top of the world! My friends and family were so excited for me asking "when will it air?" "Did you have a speaking role?" No I didn't have a speaking role, I was reaction girl. I was the clerk giving the customer attitude and I was good! I remember arriving on set and being greeted by a young man with a clip board. He took my name and sure enough, my name was on the list. Not only was my name on the list but I had my very own dressing room with my name on it too! Oh Boy! Granted my name was printed on a piece of paper which was taped to the door...but still...it was mine.

It was a long hot day taping that commercial but it was worth every bead of sweat because I was on my way to stardom! Weeks later, I was so excited to open my mail box and find a check for the one day of work. $500 for one day of fun that didn't feel like work?!? Woo whoooo!! ...can't wait until the residual checks start rolling in!

As time went on, I watched every channel I could in search of my commercial. When it was time for my next check (called a holding fee). I got a letter in the mail. The letter stated that I had been released from my contract as the commercial was not going to air. And that was my introduction into television.

Eventually, I booked 3 more national commercials (ending up on the editing room floor for one of them). I also booked small parts in random shows that most have never heard of. Time marched on and I eventually began to grow weary of the industry. They make certain people jump through hoop after hoop to catch a break; while it appears as though they hand young thin blondes a show after only one audition.

I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be a full time performer anymore. I'd still keep my agents and go out on auditions for fun. But it was time to shift my focus towards a new goal. I know, how about marriage and family? I didn't get the opportunity to date much being that I was always performing on date night. Since I was gonna hang up my microphone, I was free to go on the prowl. I was free to play the field. I was free to explore relationships and discover who I am in a relationship. I was free to take my time to grow a relationship for a few years, get married, then after a few years of wedded bliss start working on a family. Suddenly I had all the time in the world. ...then I looked at the calendar. "Holly cow! I'm 35?!?!?" Where did all the years go? I spent 9 years chasing a dream and put little to no energy in growing a relationship. Now what do I do??