6-29-09

[lilmama.4]

I went back to work last week. Hours are hard to get so I am afraid that I am going to have to look for a new job, or another part time job.

I hate that I need to look, just because I have a boss that has been so understanding with my kids and worked with me with all the appointments that I have to do with my 8 year old. And with jobs so hard to get right now, I am very scared. And I don't think I am ever going to get child support. But I have come this far with out it.

Today I am just home while the kids are all at Summer camp. I hate being alone. I just hurt inside when I am alone. I did get some painting done. I painted my daughters room, and tomorrow I will paint my son's room.

I miss my baby so much. It just hurts inside. I just wonder want he is doing right now. Probably being snuggled and loved on. I love him so much, and I am so happy God brought our families together. Now i just pray that God will heal my heart. I know I will never stop missing him, but I know that this pain I feel will not be so bad. God does not give us more then we can handle.

It's also been so hard having to get back to life, and with 4 kids I just can't freeze time for a moment. We had softball games this weekend, and I was so scared to go and have people ask me questions. But it went ok. The people that knew  did ask me how I was doing, and that alone made me fight back tears, and others just did not say anything to me, so that worked out fine. Then I went to church for the first time since I gave birth and again that was so hard.  MY kids were so excited to go again. I would rather just curl up on the couch and not go out.

Journaling seems to help, and the more I talk about it the better I will feel, says my counselor.

I remember thinking (before I gave birth) that I just wanted to give birth so my life would go back the way it was, ya it will never be back the way it was... But I will more forward. I know I made the best choice for Christian, and for my kids I have. But just because it was the right choice for us does not mean that it is a easy one for me. The hardest thing I have ever done. But I love them all so much that the pain I am dealing with now is worth it. I would do anything for my kids.
I just need to get through this time. :(

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