My Little Child Lost

[iubi]

  Today my world turned upside down.   I was so happy and excited to get to see you again.  I had it pictured in my mind.  They would take their little “magic wand” and on the screen you would appear, all wiggly and alien looking.  Then I would get to hear your tiny heart beating.  But that was not to be.  For some reason you were no longer with me.  Your tiny body no longer grows.  No longer does your heart beat.  No more will I experience your little flutters inside of me. 
 From the moment I knew you were there, I loved you.  I dreamed about you.  I pictured holding you in my arms.  I even imagined giving birth to you.  I pictured how differently our lives would be with you in it.  From the moment we knew you were growing inside of me, you became a part of this family.  From that moment you were a brother or maybe a sister; a daughter or a son.  But now that you know longer grow we will never get to know.  But even though you will never be on this earth with us, you will always be our child.   You will never be forgotten.
 God has a plan for each of us.  We almost never understand at the time but He knows.  And for me that is all that matters.  The loss of you affects me deeply but I take comfort in knowing that my Lord knows why you are there and not here.  He has blessed me with your memory and for that I am forever his loyal servant.    I can think of you now not as the child I will have but as the love I will always have.  And that is one of the greatest comforts I could find.
 I will admit that I am scared.  I am scared for what is to come.  You see, right now, even though you know longer thrive,you still are a part of me.  You still take a place inside of my body and I feel so close to you.  In a few days though, they want to take you away from me.  They want to take your lifeless little body from mine and leave me with only the memory of you.  For that I am scared.  I know that I must get over this fear and that it will pass.  My body needs to heal and that can’t happen with you there.  I know in my mind and my heart that the true part of you is no longer here anyway.  But still I’m scared.  After they take you away from me, physically, it will all be so final. 
 I am strong.  I will get through this.  I must.  But I wanted to put into words how I feel for you.  I want this memory to be written for ever.  You are too precious to just be forgotten.  You are a gift from God.  I want you to know that you are loved; not just when you were growing but even now.  You will always be my child.

[byte_me]

Jul. 1, 2009 at 9:09 AM

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.  I'm so sorry for your grief and loss.  My heart breaks for you.  Please know that I am here for you.