who gets our kids when we die?

[autiemommy2]

Maybe not morbid, but no one wants to think about their own death. And since life is not guarenteed, I have often wondered "if DH and I were to die, who would get our kids?"

I certainly don't want to think about not being there for my kids - especially because they are so young, but it's something that DH and I are trying to decide. Who do we give our kids to? We have 2 boys and another boy due in 2 months. The oldest two have classic Autism and Asperger's Syndrome and require a lot of attention, time, patience, hopsital visits, special diets, special toys, very specific routines, etc. So who could we trust to take care of our boys the way we do???

DH's parents have more health problems than I can count. Plus, FIL works constantly. MIL is crazy and is a travelling nurse. SIL couldn't handle kids - especially ours. She's severely diabetic and now a recovering alcoholic.

My mom has her own health problems, too many to keep up with as well. She's also more concerned with spending money on herself. She wouldn't be fair b/c she only favors my oldest. Plus, her husband thinks that "beating" my kids will make them act better. You can't "beat" Autism out of someone! He's also a recovering alcoholic.

My dad doesn't believe that Autism exists. He would give my kids anything to eat and he'd be way too hard on them about school and sports. His wife has chronic depression and nearly had a nervous breakdown b/c she and my dad took in his older sister - who is mentally retarded (I think she has Autism). My step-mother has even more health problems than my mom.

My brother doesn't want kids and should never have them!! He can't even take care of a dog! He and his wife go out drinking every weekend. They live a childless life that they don't want to give up. They are very money hungry - stingy about giving any to you to help out, but more than willing to buy things that don't need and cannot afford. I don't even like my brother's wife.

I have step-sibilings, but none that I am close to... and none that I would trust to take care of my kids. I don't even let them babysit b/c they are irresponsible. My oldest step-sibiling has 2 children (18 year old girl - who she is far too strict on; 15 year old boy - who she is far too lax on.... he's failing school b/c she won't make him do his school work, etc.) and she's not a good parent in my eyes. I don't criticize her parenting style, but she's very vocal about how I'm raising my kids "wrong". (Since children with Autism don't come with instruction manuals, I'm winging it the best I know how!)

I'm not close enough with any of mine or DH's friends (or their spouses) to give our kids to them. Plus, 3 kids? Who loves *us* that much to *want* to take our three children and all of their issues forever??? We know no one. We will never split the kids up - they are way too close to each other and that would be wrong in so many ways. They are a handful and we know that. We certainly don't want the "system" to have them... that would be worse.

This is so hard to think about b/c I know we are not going to live forever... and no one promised we would live through today. It's something that I think about, but honestly, who would I trust to raise my kids the way the need to be raised? I'm in tears over this b/c I feel like with all of the "family" we have, there is not one person that we could trust to love and raise our kids. It's such a sad thought. Depressing to say the least.

So, who gets our kids when we die? I have no idea. I guess the best I can hope for is that we all die together so that I don't have to worry about my kids being mistreated or "beaten" b/c they have Autism.

For now, I will wipe away the tears, go hug my children, and pray that nothing happens. Ever. That is my dilema.... how can I choose between a rock and a hard place? *sigh*

Tags: death, thoughts, children, autism, caregivers

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[sadiee21]

Jul. 1, 2009 at 12:39 PM

I know it is hard to think of and with your childrens needs, that much harder. Have you thought of aunts and uncles? Or extended family or yours or your husbands? We are lucky to not have this problem as I have lots of aunt and uncles and both mine and my dh's parents are capable of raising our children. Probably not how we would like but our children would be provided for and loved. That is what you have to ask yourself I think when making this decision " Will the children be taken care of and loved" Good luck