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I have made the decision to cut ties
- Jul 8, 2009 at 4:25 PM
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- Comments (63) Total Views (2212) Everyone can see this journal post.
This is a follow up post to the journal about the 4th of july.
After the 4 of July party disaster I have decided that I no longer want to take part in my biological family's life. They did not grow up and we do not have the same values. Normally I could work with that but I will not compromise the safety of my children.
This party was the icing on the cake. This was just the final thing that confirmed what I have been thinking and feeling all along. I have never been treated like a real daughter or sister by either one of them. I do not fit in and after watching the family performance this past weekend I am perfectly ok with that.
They have always treated me like a snob. I am not a snob. Not even close. I ended up being adopted by a well off family and they had a rough life.I happen to live a very simple and happy life now. My mother was 15 and had to give me up. She had my sister at 19 to fill the void she has told me and married an older man who had another pregnant girlfriend at the time. Let's just say my mom has made a lifetime's worth of terrible choices. Because of her choices and the way her life turned out I have it taken out on me. Here is why I am a horrible snob, because I live in a cute 3 bedroom townhouse style apartment and I pay more rent then they would (I like my neighborhood for the most part its safe.... I don't want to pay less rent and live in an unsafe place... they wouldn't mind that)I have an Accord because it is safe, will last forever and fits 2 car seats comfortably, Mike drives the car my dad gave me when I graduated HS, we still have our tvs from college, we did splurge our wedding money on nice appliances so they would last, I spend more on groceries because we eat healthy and organic (my mom doesn't know the definition of organic, she thinks it means "snob food"). We use cloth diapers, don't eat meat, give a crap about the planet we live on. When the doctor said don't give your kids peanut butter until they are 3 we said ok. My mom thinks that's insane that we are listening to a medical professional. Oh goodness and we are TERRIBLE people because we workout regularlyand we are of a healthy body weight. (my mom is morbidly obese even after gastric bypass) We also read books instead of watching TV. My 2 1/2 year old asks for water and that is apparently cruelty to children. Mike and I have college educations, I am a SAHM, we have the audacity to think that racist jokes ARE NOT funny and fast food is gross. We really must be assholes.
The tension has been building for a while now. I am sick of her chasing my kids around with hot dogs and telling me that I am just paranoid and uptight. I don't tell her how to live. Ever. Id like her to lose weight to be healthy but in her eyes all weight loss is about vanity. When I lost 66lbs this year after my son, every pound I lost became another snide comment.
I realize she didn't get to live her dreams, by now she has convinced herself she doesn't have any and never did. Its sad and I could put up with all that other crap but the drugs at the family BBQ crossed a line. If the police had came by all of our kids including my stoned little sister's 4 week old baby would have been taken. I did not know there would be drugs or I would not have gone. I took my kids and left without saying goodbye and she has not called to even see if we are alive.
Its apparent I can not trust her with my kids because she did not grow up and I can not take the chance of my 2 1/2 year old and 1 year old in a home with drugs of any kind.
I am done being made fun of for my lifestyle and her not calling after putting us in that terrible position has cemented the deal. All I wanted was a mom that cared. Well I guess it wasn't meant to be.
Comments:
I completely understand your reasoning and I am ashamed of her for not calling to apologize or check on you...even if she had no idea what was going to happen at the party...she could have stopped it and she certainly should have called to apologize. Maybe one day she will? Who knows...but, there are some people in life (whether they are family or not) who just don't "fit" and if that's the case (which it appears to be) then I think you are making the right decision. It's sad...but, it sounds like you have gone out of your way to accommodate and accept "them" as they are...too bad they aren't as mature or as responsible as you. You and your parents have obviously done a great job of getting you to where you are today. Good Luck!
This was a hard choice ot make. I hope it is going to be the right one. cutting out family from your life is a HUGE thing to do. even if she did not raise you, she is stil your blood. I suspect she is a very sad person and very jealous of how well you turned out since she has not apparently accomplished much. But when it comes to your kids and safety I totally get why you would have to cut her out of your life. YOUR kids have ot come first. and if you are against pot then you need to follow what you believe.
But, i do think you should remain in DISTANT contact. You never know what health questions you might need answered etc etc. dont burn the bridge. just make healthy boundaries between you and her. eh?
Congrats on losing the 66 lbs!! I wish I could lose half that. You need to focus on your family. It sounds like you got pretty good adoptive parents, and I would cherish them. Your birth mom seems to have lost alot when she gave you up, and it seems that she is still hurting from that. However, the drugs are uncalled for. If I were you, your little sister would be visited by social services. Continue living as you are. It is your choice and you can do as you wish. We are in America!!!!
Tell me your secret of how to lose weight. I cant seem to and have given up hope!!!
Thankfully I have ALL of my family health records already. I don't plan on being nasty but its hard to not sound nasty when you tell someone they cant spend time with their grand kids because they are not trustworthy. As for being blood relations that really means nothing to me. I had lived 21 happy years when I met her and she has put all of this stress into my life I cant deal with anymore.I met my bio father one time and he was dreadful and he was blood. I feel terrible I wish she had done the things she wanted to do but it was her life and her choices. Thank you for being supportive this is a tough choice but I have to make it :(
Tell me your secret of how to lose weight. I cant seem to and have given up hope!!!
LOL no secret... just clean eating and regular exercise!
Boy we are both snobs lol. I grew up in a trailer and I am now a snob for how I act. My son doesn't eat MSG or fatty stuff (maybe once a month) and I get weird looks.
We can be snobs together.
I have cut family out of my life for that same reason. I don't need them bringing me down on my way up. Blood or not... blood puts their family first and obviously they didn't. So why should we look out for family when that family doesn't give a damn about us? See what I am saying?
I have the awesome family and I have the bad family and if I won't put up with friends being that way and bringing that crap into my home, what makes my family think that it is ok for them to be doing that?
LOL we can be snobs together :D Momma Halo I know what you are talking about. My adoptive family had me since I was born I dont know anything else and now I really dont want too!
I KNOW how you feel...why...been there ,seen that.No i was not adopted, nope my parents didn't have drug,money,healhty eating and manners issues...they are very respectful members of the whole family gang! But there are other issues that made me into an "outsider" in my own family :(
I was the youngest child and the ONLY daughter...yet I had to see things in my life...and all of them happened AFTER I had my own family...sad isn't it.
anyways...HUGS!!! I will email you dear.
I think you made the best decision for you and your family. Just because you have blood ties to these people doesn't mean you're required to put yourself in unhealthy situations just for the sake of being around them.
We've cut ties with my husband's aunt and uncle, who took him in and raised him for 3 years after his mom died... sometimes I feel bad about it, but they turned into scary, trashy, horrible people who are involved in nothing but drinking, lying, and a complete lack of respect for EVERYONE.
They were sharing a storage unit with my husband's grandma and in charge of paying the bill. At one point, they told her they were $800 behind on payments for it and their stuff would be auctioned off the next month if they didn't pay it. What they DIDN'T count on was that we gave that money to my husband's grandma. Once she HAD the money and went to pay the bill, she found out their stuff had been auctioned off 10 months prior, and they had just lied to her because they figured there'd be nothing she could do about it. *sigh* Not to mention they owe us $2,500 and WOULD have paid it back in full and then some, had they not run away from their bills and therefore their ongoing lawsuit they WOULD have won....
Okay, now I'm ranting, but anyway, I get it. I get how it sucks to cut people out, and occasionally you will feel guilty... but it's BETTER for you and your kids.
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i agree with you hun tell them why you are no longer considering keeping in touch and leave it at that i agree with you completly good luck and stay happy and be with your real family who know and accept your values of life good luck
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