"Peer" Relationships

[eema.gray]

I just saw a Question regarding a homeschooled 13 year old who has become friendly with 3 sisters in their late teens and early twenties. The consensus among those responding is that there's no way on earth that most moms would allow this friendship to develop. One mom said that she won't let her kids be friends with kids who are more than one grade level separate from the child. It seems that many women on this site believe that the only appropriate relationships for young people to be involved with are those with children very close in age.

I'm scratching my head over all this. I, for one, do not understand. Children learn how to relate to each other and the adults around them by having interactions with them. How can my toddler son understand how to treat a baby if he does not interact with babies? (Obviously under very controlled conditions but still.) How does he learn to relate to older children if he doesn't play with them at the playground? How does a girl becoming a woman learn to relate to women if she does not have interactions WITH women? How does a boy become a man without spending time around other men?

I truly believe that much of this learning takes place at home, with parents teaching their children how to grow into sucessful young men and women. But parents can't be the only role models in a young person's life, otherwise they become one dimensional people. Therefore, in ways that are appropriate to a child's age and with appropriate supervision, children NEED relationships with people both younger and older than themselves.

I am the product of home school. Apparently, because I entered school more comfortable talking with my teachers than my classmates, I was lacking in street sense and socially immature. Why should I have been considered socially immature simply because I couldn't stand the twittery girl talk of the teens girls in my class? How exactly is that immature? I understood that school was for learning, not socializing. I was on time for every class, never talked behind the teacher's back, turned in all my homework, participated in discussions appropriately, and got grades commisserate with the effort I put in. I wasn't a perfect student by any stretch - largely because I had such a host of extra ciricular activities going on that I didn't have the time (and often energy) to put my all into homework. I did well, but not as well as I did in college, where I didn't take on so many extra activities. See? I learned from my previous experiences and applied it to my new level of schooling.

When I was a Senior, a number of my friends were Freshmen girls - lonely girls far from home who needed a steady shoulder and slightly more mature wisdom than what they could get from their peers. I gave them what I could and found myself paying forward the kindnesses of the young women (Seniors and college women) who had provided me with the same shoulder and advice just a few years earlier. I didn't get anything tangible out of helping these younger girls but I did gain satisfaction in knowing I had helped them as best I could. I hope that they too were able to pass on their knowledge gained when they were Seniors finding a lonely Freshman crying her eyes out in the bathroom.

There's nothing wrong with having friends very close in age. But I think we're limiting ourselves and our children if we expect that they can only get value out of friendships with those who are like them in age. I think values and interests are more important determining factors than age itself.

[Kodeekins]

Jul. 9, 2009 at 12:43 AM

I don't think age should be such a big deal - older friends serve as mentors of sorts, so long as they are a good influence.

My son is three and spends most of his days playing make believe with an almost seven year old girl. It's vital that children select their own friends and learn how to build relationships on their own. I was homeschooled as well, and lack important social skills because my mom said I didn't need friends. I've since learned the importance of loyalty, buildin good relationships, and caring for your treasured friends, and it's something no one can ever teach you, no matter how hard parents want to try.

[Kodeekins]

Jul. 9, 2009 at 12:44 AM

I voted for your post to be popular. ^_^

[mancosmomma]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 1:59 PM

Good post.  It doesn't seem normal to me for kids to only be around children their same age.  Once they get out into the "real world" they will be working with people of all ages.  Shouldn't an 18 year old be able to talk comfortably to her 28 yr old co-worker?  And who wants their child to learn it's social skills from a bunch of five year olds? 

As parents, we are raising children to become adults.  Having older role models works.