7-9-09

[lilmama.4]

Today Christian is one month.
I can't believe it has been one month already. I miss him so much. and love him more then I can express. He is so loved, and happy.
But today tears fall so easy again. So many things I wonder.
Some days I just feel so empty. I am in such a storm. And it is so hard, but I have to keep it together for my kids. There is just no time for me to fall apart.
I am trying to get more hours at work, and looking into more work.
So I am back out there filling out applications and searching.
My car broke down again. ..uggg why cant we all just have horses again.
So many feelings today, sad, scared, and I am just so mad.
I am so mad at how there dad just does not get it. How he only thinks of himself and can sleep at night. I have heard his excuses of how hard life is for him, but he has no clue. He does not know how hard it is... he does not have to worry about how you are going to come up with child care cost, or how to get the things they need, or be up at night cause you are worried about keeping a roof over there head. He does not take them to there doctors appointments, therapy appointments, softball, homework, meeting at the school, meeting with the principle, practices, camps, making sure they are fed, clothes are clean, or getting up with them when they have bad dreams... and the list just keeps going on.
I am not complaining, I love my kids more then anything on earth. But it's hard. And I know that kids learn what they see, I am there example. I am not prefect, I wish I was.
I mad and just needed to get that out. I guess it is easier to be mad at him. But I should not be. Child support would be nice. No really I just need more work. I know God will provide. He always has.
I am in such a storm right now, and I am just so tired.
Last night my son came to me and was rubbing my arm and said... Poor mommy, you are sad.... I could not say anything to him. His sweet little voice, so caring, I don't want him to be sad for me :( I want him to see me happy.
I have four little ones that look up to me. They watch me and learning from me. Learning how to deal with what life throws at you. I want to show them strength, but I am empty, I want to show them faith, I want them to see Gods love through me....

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I love that song, it's my cry, my heart....