Adoption Warfare

[bellacocco]

Why do I call it adoption warfare? Because in war, there is a winner and a loser. There are tactics used, strategies practiced to ensure one side walks away triumphant and the other side falls.

And yet how could this be in adoption? A “win-win” situation? An option based on love? It sounds good, almost convincing if you are on the outside looking in. But what about those of us who have been on the inside, fought the battle, and come out bruised and battered.

We are the ones who know the tactics and strategies used in warfare are practiced in adoption as well, and for the same reason, to win. They are well hidden, impossible to catch unless you know what you are looking for. But they are there. Used over and over again on young, unknowing women facing one of the hardest decisions in their life.

At sixteen, I faced this battle with the billion dollar adoption industry and lost. Their tactics were subtle, but effective. Until my son was born. Until that moment in the hospital when I first held him in my arms, looked into his eyes, felt a love I never knew existed.

At that point the “facts” I had been fed during my sessions with the adoption agency faded away into nothing more than forgotten whispers. This was my son. An intimate part of me I had never known before. My entire world shifted in that moment. I was suddenly a mom and giving him away to someone else to raise was the very last thing I wanted to do.

But my knowledge of warfare at sixteen was limited. I didn’t know how to fight against the giant who had manipulated my life for so many months. I didn’t see where their final, and ultimate, battle resided.

In that hospital, my doubts surrounding adoption became fact. I began to realize what had been around me the whole time . . . parents who would help and had themselves fallen instantly in love with their grandchild. A group of supportive friends who I knew would stand beside me, regardless of my decision.

I wanted my son.

It should have been that plain and simple, but it wasn’t. The adoption agency had already planned for this and was well prepared. They had been building their own defenses against this development long before the hospital. I just didn’t know it.

For months before the birth of my son, I was encouraged to get as close as possible to the couple hoping to adopt my child. It was the best thing, they told me, for myself and my son. Forming that relationship would help him, help me and in the end be better for everyone.

So I faithfully followed their suggestions. I trusted them, believed everything they told me was in the best interest of myself and my baby. I allowed the couple to pick their own names for my child rather than naming him myself. I invited them into the delivery room, didn’t protest their constant visits to the hospital. It was after all what was best for my child. I knew this because that is what the “professionals” told me.

And they were good, very good. Because in the end my son went home with that couple. Not because it was what I wanted but because I felt trapped, unable to disappoint these people who I had grown so close to. I saw their excitement first hand, knew how desperately they wanted a child. How could I deny them that. How could I take away what I had promised them. Ruin the joy I saw in their faces, heard in their voices.

And the war was over. I went home without my son and with a huge guilt I have not yet been able to push myself past. For years I privately hated myself, lived with shame and disbelief as I struggled with the fact I had ultimately given my son up not because I believed I was incapable of giving him what he deserved but because of the feelings of his adoptive parents.

What kind of mother would do that? How low of an individual could you be to make those choices when it came to the life of your own child? I was messed up, screwed on my priorities somewhere. It was the only explanation I had for my actions.

And then the day came when I held my son again and the feelings I had buried, denied and struggled with for so many years hit a point where I could no longer control them on my own. So I began to search, learn about adoption. No longer with the innocence of a child but that of an adult who had suffered a loss unlike anything she’d ever known.

And I discovered the ugly truth.

Those feelings in the hospital, the very ones that haunted me for so long, were exactly what the adoption agency was counting on when they encouraged me to form such a close relationship with my son’s adoptive parents. There was documentation on this. Books written about it. Details given as casually as sharing a favorite recipe.

Over and over again, as my heart ripped apart, I read the ugly words. Adoption experts proudly encouraging the contact between the natural mother and adoptive parents to ensure she doesn’t change her mind. To make sure she feels exactly what I did and keeps her promises, not because of her own belief for the well being of her child, but because of an awareness for the adoptive parents feelings.

Warfare, just like I said. You don’t care about the aftermath, about the state of well being of those you leave behind. You care about winning. About reaching that triumphant stage at any cost.

And I sit here on the other side . . . the loser. I see my son and his losses too and try desperately to make some kind of sense or reason out of it. My pain is enough but knowing my son’s pain is unbearable. Two lives forever changed by the tactics and strategy of warfare – better known in the adoption industry as coercion and manipulation.

So I read everything I can find. Web sites, blogs, others stories. Every book there is I buy, read it from cover to cover. Always searching, hoping somewhere out there I will find the right words to give my son to take the pain away. Something, anything, that will erase his battle scars and help him start the process of healing.

And as I search, as I learn, I find I must share what I discover with others in the hopes of saving another young women from suffering the life-long suffering of adoption warfare. If not for herself then for the innocent baby who has no voice, no choice.

[BlessedbyCali]

Jul. 12, 2009 at 5:55 PM

I am the woman who posed the ? anon "have you given up an unborn child? do u regret it? That was me.... I have looked at alot of stories, site on the net, etc and I wanted you to know that I apprieciate your honestly and boldness... despite the pain you have endured...thank you for sharing with me..offering me insight & wisdom (as countless others have) into something I know nothing about first hand because I haven't gone through it...But I already have a 2 yr old and she is the greatest most challenging gift I could ever recieve from God...I know I am a great mom to her...I lack money, a career and have alot of hardships in this season of my life but....I had my doubts about adoption ..even very open adoptions(since the AP legally have nothing binding that requires them to stay in contact) I believe I have my decision...I will keep my son......thank u...............................................................................

[drfink]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 2:55 AM

oh my your post is the truth .only my family and the fob and his family were on the adoption side.in 1977 upper class famalies did not have those kind of girls and their babies...i was 18 and my mom took my keys to my car and my checkbook and told me i would go to the home or get out on my own preg. as i was.so having no knowlege of govt. support systems that would have helped me get on my feet. off i went. a nightmare we were just incubators for the deserving parents.till this day my mom willstill make comments about always being the proublem when i dont follow her advice.this despite being 51.married 30 years,have 2 degrees and owned my own homes since we were23 and never have asked for help in any way because it comes with huge strings.i think it is interesting how people celebrate adoptions they are so happy as they celebratean event that torture and causes pain for someone else forever.most situations that cause adoption to be considered by a mother can be repaired with some help and support. a woman i used to be very close to thought she was helpful by telling me any time she heard of an adoption by wonderful sweet loving people.she thought i would feel better knowing how wonderful they were cause i guess i wasn't as wonderful. i tried to explain it to her but she couldn't get passed those happy peole.so ilet it go she isn't going to understand we are just not close at all any more.she notices but i can't help her. there is website of a group that callsus exiled mothers not birth or first because weare mothers forever not just first or only at birth. i like their style but it is more aggresive than i am but it calls to a part of me. i caught a feww minutes of drphil the other day he had apregnant teenager and he was helping her.one of the things he did to help her was have her listen to a woman that adoptions had fallen through 5 times because the mother sgiving birth changed their minds. oh poor poor poor mother those women picking to care for their children and themselves rather than some woman that couldn't get pregnant. it pervasive the culture of taking advantage of unmarried pregnant women and calling it helping them. so this was a major vent. thanks you touched a nerve

[jamie_OB]

Jul. 31, 2009 at 2:19 PM

Wow,

Your honesty and reflection is refreshing. As an adoptive mother, I feel it is important to try to understand what you, and many other women have gone through.

Please know that there are MANY of us adoptive mom's who would never, ever want to take a child from a woman who didn't want to give her baby up. I had a very close relationship with a woman who in the end decided to keep her baby. I was hurt, and deeply saddened, but in my heart, I knew she was making the right decision for her. She is a great mom.

Shortly after, a woman gave birth and picked us to parent her child. There was no previous relationship, no pressure, it was just right.

My heart breaks for what you have endured. I too, am horrified by the adoption industry. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jamie

www.thetruthaboutunicorns.com