Birthmother, Good Mother

[bellacocco]

I believe the NCFA (National Council For Adoption) is the devil in disguise. This organization as well as their buddies over at the FRC (Family Research Center) have their hands in so many lives struggling through their own personal adoption hell. And they do it all under the guise of caring and understanding. Of love and respect. Holding a hand out to a desperate, confused pregnant woman while using the other one to yank her baby away from her.

A while back, I read a disgusting bit of material – a how-to on the best ways to convince a pregnant woman to give up her baby for adoption – published by the FRC in 2000.  The Missing Piece, Adoption Counseling in Pregnancy Resource Centers, was created to help counselors who work with pregnant women push adoption as a “loving option” in the hopes of producing more available infants to feed the needs of the billion-dollar adoption industry.

For the NCFA, though, this must not have been enough. Teaming up with the FRC and wanting more, they hired Charles T. Kenny, Ph.D. from Right Brain People to use first/natural mothers - in the worst of ways - to research and study how best to convince a pregnant woman to give her baby up for adoption.

One hundred dollars is what the first/natural moms received for their “stories.” One hundred dollars and no information on why the study was being conducted or who was doing it. One hundred dollars to be blindfolded and led back to relive the trauma of losing their child to adoption. Using them to find the best ways to put more mothers through the same grief, the same loss. The same hell of adoption.

And through this, came another disgusting how-to manual - Birthmother, Good Mother. More proof that the halo they proclaim to carry is held up by the horns they truly wear.

Though I HATE giving a single penny to the NCFA, I ordered the book. It took over a year to even be able to do that. To find that place where I was prepared to sift through yet another publication created to cause more loss and grief to women who faced the same experience I did so many years ago.

And yet, I still thought I would be able to read through it with some separation between what I read and what I went through. I believed after I pushed myself through the pages, I’d be able to again, as I did with “The Missing Piece” be able to read through it in the interest of “educating.”

But "Birthmother, Good Mother," hit me differently. The title alone, should have given me the first clue that it wasn’t going to be so easy to read what was inside. But I really wasn’t prepared for how it would feel to find their ways of manipulation in black and white and remember where that manipulation entered my life and changed it forever.

In so many areas, I was back there again, inside the adoption agency, sitting across from my counselor, being told the exact same things that are encouraged in this book. It was as if I was literally reading the script of what my counselor had in front of her. All the right things to say. The reasons why I would be such a terrible parent and someone else was better to raise my child.

I was there again, even though it was two decades before “Birthmother, Good Mother” ever came out. Was it through my experiences and those in my generation that they realized how good their tricks worked? Or is it because their tricks have been working for all these years and they continue to put them to their best use? I don’t know. All I know is over twenty years ago I was that pregnant woman who sat with somebody I thought I could trust, believe in. I was the one who was frightened and confused, looking for help and in return what I was offered was exactly what they promote in their “how-to” manual. I got somebody who already knew what to say to be sure I gave my son up. Somebody already trained, already set in the goal to discourage me from parenting and working hard on letting me “know” that the only way I would be a “GOOD” mother would be to lose my child.

The very first page of this disgusting manual reads . . .

BIRTHMOTHER, GOOD MOTHER:
Her Story of Heroic Redemption

Cause that is it, isn’t it. Women like me, like the many other first/natural moms out there, needed to find redemption for our terrible sins. We fell to such low, scums of the earth by getting pregnant that the only thing to save us was to take that step into adoption and be “heroes” for knowing how wrong we were and absolving our sins with the worst of all sacrifices – losing our children. Then we can be good again. Worthy of others liking us . . . loving us . . . respecting us.

As they say in their own words . . .

- - Choosing adoption enables birthmothers to see themselves in compassionate,noble and heroic terms, righting the WRONG and correcting the MISTAKE of their unplanned pregnancies. - -

- - In doing what is BEST for her child, she fulfills her NEED to see herself as a GOOD MOTHER and can ACCEPT the PAIN of relinquishment. In this way, she transforms the AGONY of the entire story into a REDEMPTIVE experience where she becomes a HEROINE in her own eyes and the eyes of others. - -

Because that is us. So shamed by the terrible act of pregnancy and giving birth that we can only be “GOOD” by clawing our way up onto the adoption pedestal. By knowing that, even though we screwed up, we can still save our souls by knowing that we will be acceptable once again through giving up our children for others to take care of. Others who are better than us. More successful. Richer. Married. Educated. Whatever it is that they have that we don’t. They are the better ones and more worthy of raising our children . . .

- - As they work through their conflicts, birthmothers eventually come to see that adoption is best for their children, They begin to see that adoption can provide the joy and security of family life for their children that they cannot. - -

Because we weren’t good enough for our own children? Because our supposive “mistakes” made us the bad people, the ones unworthy of raising our own children. Yes, let’s make sure they know that there is no way they can be a good mother to their children. Let’s show them how others are the better ones than them. What harm can that do? What possible damage can it cause to let a pregnant woman believe she will fail as a mother before her child is even born?

Except, recently, my husband admitted to me how hurt he is when I still believe I am a bad parent after he does everything he can to tell me and show me that I am a good mother. It upsets him that after twenty-two years together, and him being the one who knows me better than anyone, I still can’t find a way to let his words give me confidence and will instead let the others who told me, over twenty years ago, that I wouldn’t be a good mother to my son, affect how I see myself to this day.

All those years ago, they wanted me to believe my only solution to being a “Good” mother was to lose my child to a “better” mother. But what the underlying truth was in their words was that I wasn’t good enough. I failed where others had succeeded. And those who carried the success, and not my failure, were the ones deserving of raising my child.

They like to stress in this manual the shame and embarrassment first/natural moms cause when they end up pregnant. Like to stress how adoption is our way of making up for that . . .

- - When a birthmother first discovered she was pregnant, she lost self-esteem and self-respect, feeling like a “bad girl” – stupid and immoral. - -

- - Adoption allows them (birthmothers) to MAKE AMENDS with their families and communities. Placing their children for adoption gives birthmothers a SECOND CHANCE and allows them to show that they are mature enough to take responsibility for their actions . . . she (the birthmother) believes that they will accept her and forgive her for her mistake. In addition, she (the birthmother) feels that adoption ALLOWS her to protect herself as well as HER FAMILY from the SHAME of single parenting.- -

NONE of my children were ever a mistake and NOBODY in my family ever led me to believe they were ashamed or embarrassed of me. The only person who made me feel “shame” for my “mistake” was my adoption counselor. She was the one who made sure I understood just how embarrassing it was to my parents for me to be pregnant at sixteen. She made sure I understood how my own close friends found it hard to be seen with someone who was so young and “pregnant.” She, over everyone else, made sure I understood clearly how terrible my act was. How shameful and wrong it was that I became pregnant while still so young, unmarried and unsuccessful.

And even if somebody is still stuck back in the dark ages of condemning a woman for unplanned pregnancies, so what?! It isn’t what others think of them. It’s how best to make sure they believe in themselves so they can recognize others thoughts do not dictate the person they are. Why would it ever be encouraged for a woman to lose her child forever because she has to somehow “make-up” for how others feel about her? They don’t matter. She matters. Her unborn child matters. But the thoughts of how “others” feel should NEVER matter!

But this whole great, loving act of adoption encourages pregnant women to have such feelings about themselves. They need us to doubt who we are . . . what we are. Need us to believe we will be failures before we ever try. Only then can they assure another baby for the waiting family writing the check. Only then can they guarantee the billions running into the adoption industry.

Which of course this manual also has an answer for as well . . .

- - The birthmother . . . often refers to adoption as an “industry,” rather than considering it a social service in the best interests of the child. - -

Yes, because those of us who actually hurt, suffer unending grief and live everyday with the truth of what adoption has brought to our lives just can’t see that adoption is really all about what is best for the child. That’s it. Money doesn’t matter. The kind of counseling they encourage doesn’t matter. What matters is that domestic infant adoption only has the best interests of the child involved and those of us who say otherwise are just bitter because we feel as if we weren’t treated “right." And of course, that is wrong, but it just doesn’t happen anymore . . .

- - Women should never feel forced into adoption, and when they are, the system has failed them. Thankfully, such occurrences have become quite rare. The younger birthmothers felt they had made their decisions voluntarily, and as a result, they “owned” their decision. - -

And how exactly do they encourage the “young birthmothers” to make this “free choice?” By making sure the pregnant mothers understand how parenting would be just a terrible, awful thing they are not prepared for and that adoption is a “GOOD and LOVING” choice . . .

- - Encourage them to act out those lives in their minds, including the LONG HOURS spent staying up with the colicky children only to be followed by even longer hours at work and school. - -

But, of course, don’t’ tell them what it is like to walk in the room and have your child hold out their arms to you, wanting only to be held and hugged by their mother. Don’t tell them about the excitement of your child’s first step, of that sweet, unforgettable sound of their padded diaper hitting the floor when they wobble and fall on their small rear sides.

Don’t tell a pregnant woman how many other mothers have said and continue to say every sacrifice they have made for their children is worth it. Don’t let them know that, yes, it won’t be easy and they will have tough times, but it is worth it for your child and the love you have for them.

Nope. Don’t tell them that. Instead make sure they understand how truly hard and awful it will be if they try to raise their child on their own. Stress how unprepared and wrong they are for being the ones to raise their OWN CHILDREN . . .

- - Birthmothers know that they would be stressed from maintaining a job and handling the challenges of single parenting. They fear their child would suffer from her emotional instability. - -

And if that doesn’t work, go for the extreme . . .

- - The stress from single parenting would be so great that they could become abusive and physically harmful to their children. - -

I could go on and on but I’m afraid this post will get to that length that it becomes too much to read and loses those who have followed along so far.

So I will try my best to wrap up my point and hope others will see, and hear, and feel what kind of tricks the adoption industry not only uses, but has no reservations about encouraging such uses, to ensure more available infants for hopeful adoptive couples.

There is much more to their “suggestions.” Like, in so many areas of adoption, they, of course, have to bring God and his “plan” into it . . .

- - (Quoted from a first/natural mother) – “I believe it is divine intervention. We believe there is a reason for everything.” (Which the manual then points out) This birthmother sees her child as a gift from God to a childless couple. Birthmothers’ faith also allows them to feel reassured about their adoption decisions. - -

And if all of that doesn’t work, if in the end, all their tricks fall on deaf ears the minute the pregnant woman holds her child in her arms, they have their final ammunition. The very thing that sent my son home with another set of parents when all I wanted was to keep him. The trick they know will, more often than not, work in the end and battle against the love and desire to parent a mother feels the minute her child is first placed in her arms . . .

- - As the process moves along, birthmothers begin to see their babies as belonging to the adoptive parents and not to them. - -

This insight doesn’t come as a problem to be addressed. Something that shouldn’t happen and is so wrong to put any women through. The above statement comes under their section titled, “Birthmothers’ Resolved Feelings and Beliefs about Adoption that ENABLE Them to Choose Adoption.”

This is part of what they see as a “GOOD” thing. A feeling they encourage and see as the right reasons for a woman to lose her child. They use this quote from a first/natural mother to prove just how “right” this practice is . . .

- - “I tell myself the baby is not mine. This baby is not for me . . . I thought more about the couple and what they would think about when I gave them the baby.” - -

I was her. I was that woman who put the adoptive parents feelings before my own. In the hospital, I wanted my son. I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted to be his mother. But I didn’t. I walked into that nursery and placed him in his adoptive mother’s arms because I knew how she felt and felt like a monster for taking away the child SHE wanted. Her feelings were what ultimately made my decision.

I hated myself. Still do at times. I didn’t lose my son because in the end I believed I wouldn’t be a good mother but because I felt terrible for hurting the couple who wanted to raise him as their own. I put their feelings before all else and have had to struggle with that knowledge, that failure of my own strength and ability to fight for my son, my entire life.

And yet, the devils that are the NCFA encourage this very thing. See it as a way to ENABLE a pregnant woman to give up her child for life. They like it. Want it. And don’t give a damn of how wrong it is.

Throughout this entire manual they stress time and time again that adoption is “freely chosen” by a pregnant woman. That it is her “voluntary” decision. And yet they started off by paying to have research done to figure out how best to convince a woman to choose adoption. They encourage over and over again the “greatness” of adoption without ever listing a single risk that comes with it.

Over and over again they stress how a bad mother is one who chooses to raise her OWN child and the only way to be “GOOD” is to give your child up. To admit you are a failure, unable to be any other kind of mother to your own child and that only someone else “better” than you will also be a “better” mother for your child . . .

- - Help potential birthmothers see that choosing adoption can be what it means to be the best mother possible. Encourage them to consider their babies’ needs and their own desire to do what is best for their babies. -

And this encouragement, in their mind, comes with having the pregnant woman write down what her concerns are . . . school, money, etc . . . but instead of presenting both options to her fairly by informing her of the different means that exist to help a pregnant mom with finances and schooling, it is only suggested to point out how she isn’t good enough because of these concerns. NOTHING is mentioned in this manual about how to help them look into their options of parenting as well. NOTHING is mentioned of how parenting can also be a good option. Only adoption. That is the ONLY option that will make a pregnant woman a GOOD mother.

And as they encourage negative talk about parenting, they also encourage only positive stories of adoption . . .

- - Put together a book of meditations for pregnant women who have decided to place babies for adoption. These books could include a variety of birthmother stories that reassure women with unplanned pregnancies that adoption was right for many other women with similar circumstances and may be right for them. - -

Sounds a lot like the book I was given by the adoption agency, Dear Birthmother. Of course, there is no mention in letting them also know of the other truths that exist outside the "oh, so happy" stories filling the book from cover to cover. Because they don't dare tell about the other side of adoption. Don’t let on about the grief, the trauma so many first/natural moms go through.

Don’t dare to mention that adoption might cause ANY problems with adoptees. In fact it is much better to not even mention a single thing adoptees are saying about some of the problems they face by being adopted and instead just continue to assure the pregnant mom that her child will NEVER have any problems by being adopted. Will ALWAYS love her and never feel as if they were abandoned.

And all this while declaring over and over again how the pregnant woman, of course, has free choice.

This just needs to stop. The acceptance of such things isn’t right. Why does the majority of society continue to see such actions, such manipulation as acceptable? Why do they support pushing adoption on a pregnant woman without thought to the risks involved?

We are cheating so many mothers and their children. Leaving them helpless in the hands of those who believe they are better than them and use this belief to control their decisions in any way they can. And when they are done, they toss them carelessly to the corner since they are no longer of use.

We can’t keep doing this. Can’t keep letting it happen. I hate to think of first/natural moms twenty years from now suffering as I, and so many others have. I can’t stand the thought that it will still be allowed to happen. That money will still dictate how we treat human beings and that it really isn’t that hard, even in today’s world, for a powerful side to control and force a “common” outlook of those on the weaker side without question to what their motives are.

Nobody deserves to be treated in such a way. So why does it continue to, not only happen, but be so widely accepted in society today?

When will we stop fighting for the good of the adoption industry and start fighting for the good of keeping mother and children together?

[onethentwins]

Jul. 12, 2009 at 6:06 PM

Brilliant post!

[drfink]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 3:01 AM

wow wow wow the truth of it all

[mizkaye]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 11:28 AM

This was a very powerful post and yes, I read the whole thing.  I have no exerience with adoption as I kept my 'mistake' that I produced as an 18yr old single girl...he's almost 15 now.  Was it easy?  No...but I am glad I did.  I'm sorry for your pain and hope that you are able to find some peace and realize that you ARE a good mother.

[cindylu1961]

Jul. 16, 2009 at 10:22 AM

I also read the same material that you talked about in your post.  I believe the major problem with this publication is how they try to place all pregnant girls into the same box when it comes to placing their child for adoption or keeping their child.  Each person's situation is different and must be handled on an individualized basis.  While I agree with most of your post I as a birthmother to twin daughters realize that adoption was the best choice for them.  Back in 1978 when i made that difficult decision I did not realize the unethical practices of adoption agencies.  This only came to light when I started my search.  Adoption must come out of the dark ages and birthmothers must be brought out of the closet.  If the adoption triad would be treated as an equal partnership then adoption would not leave such long lasting negative impacts on the girls involved.

[Southernroots]

Sep. 18, 2009 at 11:55 AM

Don't know how I missed this post of yours, but I did. I had heard about that book, but as strong as I am, couldn't order it.  Good for you! Thought I should, and wanted to, but.......

We should refer people to that book, and the Infant Adoption Awareness Act when they want to see coercion spelled out in detail.  The NCFA is a biased group that is behind many of the worst practices in adoption in my opinion.