So I am cursed and a horrible person... great

[Momma_Halo]

I am 27 years old and closer to 30 than people think. You see three years and I see three blinks. I had a son and with that came a hard pregnancy and a midwife that didn't feel comfortable doing a home birth. If it could go wrong on my natural home birth it did go wrong. Luckily I had a excellent birth at the hospital and nothing to complain about. I ripped and luckily that was all that happened. No one forced me to do a C-section and no one forced me to take the epideral. I screamed for one.

Before that I had a hard time getting pregnant. A lot of my time on my knee's. One pregnancy just one in my young years. I wanted to have three kids, siblings for my child to laugh with and grow stronger together. My body didn't want to.

I cried almost every night that my body doesn't want to give me another child and I am willing to do a C-section the next time like my Midwife suggested might happen due to my narrow hips. Either or I will rip again like I did in labor (my mother had three natural births and she ripped with all three so I don't want to hear about hospitals and blah blah blah).

But nothing, so my other options was adoption. I mean I could do a ton of medical things to myself and have a c-section but I won't have the money until I am 30. Which kind of dampers the whole situation.

My husband and I have talked about it with everyone. I have met friends who have given up their children for adoption and gave me a pat on the back for it. But then I hear stories from other mothers and accusations. "Well if you can't have children God doesn't want you having kids!", "People like you are what destroy families", and yes I have been told this "You are a real piece of work pretending to be a good woman". All from women online attacking me due to their own experiences. I have been on the fence about it and cried to my husband and prayed about it. I tell my friends who have been on the other end... the women who gave birth to these children. They told me that not all women feel that way. And they try to bring me up about it.

I am asked "Put yourself in our sheos and see how you feel."

But I am asking how would you feel to not be able to have children? How would you feel if you looked in the mirror every day and saw a body that doesn't do what God made it do? How would you feel if you are asked every day "So when is number two on the way"?

I may never have a children "ripped" out of my arms but it was ripped out of my ovaries. I go to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what is wrong and no one will listen to me.

My husband told me something that made sense. I could spend thousands of dollars trying to "fix" me or spend thousands of dollars adopting a waiting child. The ones who are not leaving the womb but have been waiting for a home. Toddlers, minorities, children with disabilities, twins who don't want to be split up, siblings who don't want to be split up, and children who would love to have a brother and waffles on Saturday.

It kills me to hear my son ask "Can I have a brother?" or "Mom my cousins have brothers, why can't I have one?" That is a sucker punch in the gut.

People who matter tell me "Maybe God has a reason behind you not having children." Maybe this is my reason? Maybe this is why I can't have kids? I don't know but I just have to trust something happens like this for a reason.

[tericared]

Jul. 12, 2009 at 11:50 PM

You are not cursed or a horrible person,,,,,some times things just dont make any sense to us and we can question and ask why till we are blue in the face....It has nothing to do with you....If you and hubby really want another child one will come one way or the other.......

[KristiS11384]

Jul. 12, 2009 at 11:53 PM

Well if you can't have children God doesn't want you having kids!", "People like you are what destroy families"

 

What sort of insecure callous bitch fed you this line  and the line about you not being a good person. There are hundreds of children waiting for loving homes who have been in and out of the system. We cannot presume to know how they got there, we can only offer a loving, supportive, and stable environment. If your heart compels you to adopt then by all means FOLLOW YOUR HEART!

[JKsmommy505]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 12:05 AM

Kudos to you for wanting to adopt. My husband and I would also like to add more to our family in that way, but we just can't afford it right now. If you are unable to have more children and God has put this in your heart ...DO IT. You are so right...so many children out there would love to have a family...if you can provide...go for it.  Ignore the naysayers...you are not ripping a family apart, you are saving a child's life. God Bless You for wanting to do this!!!

[Momma_Halo]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 12:26 AM

Thanks guys, you are so right. I just needed to vent.

(Original Poster)

[MelanieLouise]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 12:47 AM

Scientifically speaking, if you can't have more babies, it means that there is something genetically wrong (that sounds harsher than it is) with you, and you're not supposed to pass it on. Adopt a wonderful child (or two... or six!) that will be soooo lucky to have you as a mommy!!

[Momma_Halo]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 1:04 AM

I think you are right Melanie. My aunt can't have children either. It picks one out of every generation.

(Original Poster)

[Momma_Halo]

Jul. 13, 2009 at 1:06 AM

By the way Melanie you are so awesome. We should all meet and do coff...ummm scratch that lol some where the kids can run amuck! Plus coffee's prices were jacked up. They are now asking for your first born child from last I heard.

(Original Poster)

[babyblujems]

Jul. 19, 2009 at 9:47 PM

You should adopt if thats what you really want to do.  In most cases a child cant be adopted unless the parents have signed away their rights which means that the child wouldn't be "ripped" from it's parents.  And I think you're hubby is very wise in saying you should adopt older children those are the saddest ones because everyone wants a baby, but no one wants a toddler or a teenager.  My hubby and I plan to become foster parents and adopt eventually, sometimes this is the only way these kids have a shot at normal life.  I think you have enough love in you to do it, I have faith in you.  Good luck in whatever it is that you decide to do!