parting in sorrow

[Lazarat]

It has finally arrived. It has finally come this moment; this moment of letting go. Letting go of the thing I love the most. I feel almost silly for crying; silly for finding it hard to let go. One can almost misinterpret as this sort of Oedipus complex. But see for me it's like this: Laz is the love of my life. I cherish it; I will protect it with my life if I have to. I think the reason why I am finding it hard to let go is because I worry that we would lose our bond; I would lose my connection with him. I was crying all day Tuesday. I thought it was partly because I am extremely lonely (or pms-ing). But I think that because I haven't had a serious relationship in over 2 and/or more so years, it's difficult for me to let go. I don't know, I haven't known any other kind of love except this. I haven't been held close, so close that we breath the same air; our heart beats in sync; except of course by Laz. I know that this road, that I fear, anxious over; has been traveled by many mothers; many others not just mothers. I just feel like I don't know how to be anything else except his mother. I don't know anymore if I would want to know? I know how to be his mother and I love that. I love that most about myself; that is the most I enjoy, appreciate about myself. I am someone's mother. I am his mother. I went to the movies tonight. I feel badly about it. I think sometimes, whenever I was out without him, how guilty I feel. He is the Philippines and here I was galavanting without him. I should be with him; spend as much time as I could with him. And tonight, one of his last nights here, I went out to go to the movies. I would try to laugh as much as I could to mask the fact that all I really want to do was cry. As we drove back, we stopped somewhere to get something eat. I finished first and watched everyone else eat; watched the sari-sari stores across the street. Being a people watcher, I had a lot to study; to get my curious mind going. But my mind kept running back to him, 'Maybe I should bring him back some chicken (it's his practically his favorite)?' 'Oh, nuts! I didn't even bring him back clothes for tomorrow' But then I would snap out of it and laugh a little louder, a little harder than normal. Anyway, to keep me from breaking into tears; crying in sorrow at the thought that my baby is leaving me this weekend. I wanted to get back to school already. I felt my anxiety growing. I felt myself getting hyper. Driving back, I felt even more anxious. At times, I would take a deep breath; close my eyes and pray, 'Please God! Let it be okay, help me get through this.' My cousins' would be talking about something, but I was more preoccupied with the time. I was anxious in getting back. I was eager to just get there already. Although Ramil's driving was a little too fast, considering it was raining and all; I really didn't care. The sooner I could back to the school, the sooner I can hold my baby. The sooner I can enjoy the precious few hours we have together. As we get to the gate, I am wondering if he's still up or is he asleep already...then I see this small body running towards the gate...My heart skipped a beat, 'Yes, he's still up!' I get out of the L3 and scoop him up in my arms. We start joking and dancing. And here's the thing I love the most; he cups my face and just stares in my eyes. We lock eyes for a moment and then...it's like we don't have to say anything, we just understand each other so much; he just knows me that much that he doesn't need words. We do our little 'this-this-this' dance; we do the nosey-nosey; and then he says,"Mommy...You don't have to be sad anymore!" My cup runneth over...no one has ever known me that much...as much as he has. It makes me sad to have that away from me. No one has ever catered to my heart; given so much to my soul like that. Today I was having an argument with my mom and I was holding Laz at the same time. Realizing that tensions were raising, he kept saying, "Mommy!?! Mommy!?!" When we finally get upstairs to my room, I start venting to my roommates, and Laz says, "Mommy, don't be upset, don't be upset. It's okay!" cupping my face all the while. I don't want to lose that. My fear is that being here, and him over there; I won't have that when we see each other again. I don't want to lose that...I don't...Please God, please God...I don't want to lose that..I don't know who I am now without him. I don't know how to be anything else...I don't know if I want to learn being this single again; playing donkey games, monkey lines. Please God..please take care of him and I pray that nothing changes between him and I.