Dear Lazarus

[Lazarat]

Dear Lazarus,

You are about 3 years old right now. You came to the Philippines with me, Mama and Papa. You came because Mommy is going to school here. I will be gone for about 2 years. I wanted you to come with me because I wanted you to. I couldn't just say good-bye in NY. I wanted you to come here to spend a month with me before we depart for good for the next 2 years. I thought that it was going to be easier this way. But now, the day before you have to leave, I am finding that it isn't so. It's harder to let go. It's harder to say good-bye because it isn't like I am just going to work. I won't wake up with you in the morning to watch Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse. I can't take naps with you in the middle of the afternoon. We can't go to the park or the playground to go on the swing, the slide and the shakey-shakey bridge. I want to go on the plane with you, I really really do. But I have to really finish school. I want to be able to give you things. I want to be able to give you the things I never got growing up; mentally, emotionally, and physically. In trying to be a good parent to you, I have to be able to provide. But know that this is so hard for me emotionally. It's hard for me to let you go. I don't want you to go but it's what's best for now. I will miss us having breakfast/snack/lunch/snack/dinner/snack together; our little adventures in the city, the ferry; play-dates with cousin Shayne. I love you very much. You are what keeps me going; strong; beautiful; courageous and most of all faithful to God. You light/lighten me up! Having you in my life is what pushes me to the best person I can be. I hope some day you see that what I did here was a good thing. That what I do is for you; most of what I do is for you, because of you. You are and will always be, constantly in my thoughts; most especially when we are not together. I love you. Be good! See you soon.

I'll love you forever    I'll like you for always    As long as I am living    My baby you'll be

Mommy