the hardest farewell...for now

[Lazarat]

I would like to say that I prepared for today. I would like to say that I did pretty good today. That I have no regrets or feelings of sorrow. But I can't. I feel like time is having it's way with me right now. My thoughts keep going back to 'I should have known better. I should have finished school'. Because if I did, I wouldn't be in this situation right now. I wouldn't be without him right now. I feel bad because I really wanted to be on the plane with him. I wanted to go back with him. I couldn't let go. My mom had to literally pry him from my arms. As she did, I heard myself cry even harder. I felt like a part of me was being taken away from me; forcefully. I couldn't cross the street. I wanted to take him back with me. I wanted to just find a way to get him to stay with me. I tried to explain why he couldn't staywith me. I tried to explain why he had to go back. I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't breath; I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to scoop him up and take him back with me. The image of his contorted face; my mom pulling him in the terminal is still fresh in my mind. I can still see his mouth saying, "Mommy!"...crying for me. As we drove away from the airport, I kept crying and crying. The tears would make my breath short; I would gasp for air trying to get ahold of myself. But the thought of mom saying "Peanut butter for the last time.." would just break me into buckets of tears again. I kept praying throughout the whole ride; because I don't know if I can do this; I don't know if I want to. Yet, I know I must because not only does my future count on this; but Laz's most of all. When I got back in the L3, I wanted to rush out and cross the street again and take him with me. I wanted to just didn't want to see him cry; I didn't want to go back to school; be anywhere without him.

[Ms.Maricel]

Jul. 31, 2009 at 4:28 PM

I am not really sure what is happening in your life...but I do know how hard it is to be torn away from your child like that.  I might be in a similar situation as you.  What I do know...the pain is more easily managed over time...some days are good and some days are bad.  Keep your head up...an PM me if you ever need someone to listen...or type to.