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Yesterday...Today...Looking to tomorrow...My life as it currently stands...
- Jul 18, 2009 at 2:43 PM
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- Comments (21) Total Views (610) Everyone can see this journal post.
Those of you know where my story begins ...Please bare with me...I've been meaning to sit n type this journal for some time since my return to Cafe...It's hard to type on this laptop (not my own keyboard) and this is the first chance I've had to be able to collect my thoughts into a journal.
If you've read my prior journals or know me...then this is just a moment of retrospect to bring the reader into my current world.
Last year,2008 was hell...
I still have vivid images...still hear playback of conversations...arguments...clearly in my mind.
Now granted-I realize there are many reading this with worse situations-I do know and understand-I'm a survivor from my first "marriage"('87-'94 Separated in '92...Divorced in '94)-physical,mental,verbal abuse...Being stalked...I know what it's like to be picked up off the ground by your throat...Hear how someone plans to kill you-But these are things of my past-and I pray any who read this will be survivors also...
(Fast forward to present)
This post of mine is suviving emotional hell after years of happiness,only to be blindsided by the person who for a moment ruined my trust,and is currently rebuilding it.
We were married in 1999....have had our struggles financially...Face the challenges of raising an autistic daughter...but no matter what,have always been friends...Could always laugh through the rough times,and basically have become a team over the years.
Except one day last March I didn't realize my "team mate" started listening to a "new coach" (female co-worker)...Now I didn't know this fact at first-but I KNEW something was up one saturday in March (2008) when all day my husband held a look I was having a hard time trying to understand-we were not fighting...Things were okay financially...But it was a very cold,distant look-I even remember asking "Why" the look~commenting that he looked like his best friend had just died...Metaphorically at the time,I didn't realize that look was meant for me,and his feelings towards me.
I admit...at this stage of our relationship...almost 9yrs of marriage,10 years together...we became stagnant...taking each other for granted...caught up in our "duties" living parallel lives under one roof...And I admit that part of this was mainly my fault...I was feeling blah,unattractive,caught up in mommyhood and less of a woman...I saw no beauty in me and could not understand "how" my husband did...I pushed him away emotionally and physically...i never realized the damage I was creating....Leaving opportunity to step right in and passing the baton to my husband to create further damage to our relationship.
Enter the "poptart" as she is referred to now...
Boo hoo hoo...Her relationship with the father of her child was going down hill...Boo hoo hoo...lets cry to my husband...Mr. Chivalry....
Boo hoo hoo...she talks...he listens and THERE begins a connection that will later become a make or brake point in our marriage.
So that day in March...he goes off to work,later (he worked overnights) for me to receive a text stating "we can't go on like this...we need to talk"....SCUSE ME??? WTF out of the blue~so me not being stupid can read tween the lines and realize there's a someone who equals "this"...Course he denies it,and the next day he flakes out completelyscreaming "Shut up...Shut the f*ck up" (this is completely out of his character-we do not shout or even fight very often)...Friends on here knew I was shattered...and now obsessed to find "WHO" was creating this animosity towards me...
April...May...2008 sucked...constant fights...constant distrust (with reason) on my behalf...My husband basically went out of his way to piss me off.
Then comes June...emotionally broken,mentally obsessed and on the verge of physical destruction (It got to the point thoughts of suicide started to creep into my head...Not as a way to end my pain...but to create his...Because if I was going to do it I was going to leave him with the question "Are ya happy now" and leave friends and family to ask "WHY" did she do it...Yeah-If I was gonna do it-I was getting the last and final jab)...But I prayed one night,telling God straight out I NEEDED to know if my husband was cheating on me...
My answer came hours later...copies of email from my husband to the poptart,saved on her blackberry,found by the guy she was boo hoo-ing about-sent directly to me...
It was "D day"...the bomb was dropped and the explosion began....for the next 12 days our lives went through hell...He was leaving if I contacted her...I was leaving cuz this was pure bullsh*t...I found out June 4th 2008...June 16th it came down to the deciding factor..ME or her...there'd be no girlfriend on the side (to this day I do not know for sure if he f'ed her...but I know things were building between them...Especially emotionally...He was falling out of love with me and falling in love (so he thought) with her)....
I gave him a flat out ultimatum....putting on the line the one thing most mother's would not..our child...He said he was leaving. I calmlylooked at him (after all the tears) and said "Fine...tell me when you're going so I can start to pack (our daughter's) things"
He looked @ me dumbfounded-I told him (in accordance with the emails) IF the only thing that was preventing him from leaving was our child...fine...she's "Daddy's girl"-who was I to break the relationship. That statement must have knocked the wind out of him-He stopped-said he had to go think (think and chainsmoke for 20-30 minutes) when he came back looking like a man with a broken soul. He looked at me and said "I love you"-I said I know you do-now lets move forward..
Okay...Forward...Forward meant a day later he put in his 2weeks at work...we cashed in his 401k,packed upour stuff and headed to a state 10 hrs away for my husband to enroll in a specialized trade school.We did our research (so we thought)...Jobs wouldn't be a problem according to the school he enrolled in,etc...etc...
That was August 2008...Nov 2008 money ran out..no jobs to be found...school was going good for my husband,but that was the only thing...we faced eviction...Had no food...So many here on cafe helped us get through with food donations...Sent a Christmas tree for our daughter and gifts...(once again,THANK YOU to all-sincerely,THANK YOU)
Nov 2008 to May 2009...In that time we faced eviction 3X...had to borrow from family...sqeaked by with our tax refund to get things caught up...My husband finally found a job-but it was a little too late...Making $6.67 an hour (from making almost $20/hr at his last job with the poptart)...we were behind May's rent and unable to come up with both May n June's rent...we were Sheriff evicted June 22,2009...Four days after our daughter's birthday.
Up until June 20th we weren't even sure where WE were going...Were me n Z gonna have to find something separate so hubby could atleast continue school (he was more than 3/4 way through the program and still holding his 4.0 GPA....I wasn't about to let him throw that away...not when we came so far...have been rebuilding our marriage-and especially our friendship (he admits he's sorry,admits he did become emotionally involved,and admits she wasn't worth it-He SEES who's standing by him and our child...He KNOWS she was a moment of a bad decision)
My husband had gone back in the Army Reserves (after being out 3 yrs with 8 years of service) to atleast try to help us financially...
There's alot more to this part of the story...but not worth going into...
Anyhow...The Master Sargeant of his unit and his wife have allowed us to stay with their family...In the process we both see God has a plan...even while we've been struggling...
First...My husband has come back to Christ...and we have chosen to walk together in faith...no longer me solely carrying our family...
We found we like this area of NC much better and are in the process of trying to find a place to rent
My husband will be able to enroll in a 4yr college as opposed to the 14month trade school-allowing him a chance at a degree vs just a certificate
We were able to apply for food stamps and medical until we can get back on our feet.
There are more job opps here in his original field (IT) and cost of living is actually a bit lower...
My husband realized I need a bit more effort in the area of keeping house...When he helps me I'm alot happier...And when a woman is happy it benefits a man more (wink wink)
I also decided to take back me...Me as a woman first...Mommyhood is an extra added bonus...But I need to reclaim my self confidence...When hubby met me I was spicy and brash at times...Over the years I have become quiet,less fiesty...Screw that!!! this move is a chance to shed the old me I became and reaquaint with the me I AM and always will be!!!!
So God does have a plan for our family...US...we three(husband,wife,child)...As long as WE stick together,that's what matters...
So that's where we are currently...the fires we walked through and the hope for the future.
~Heids
Tags: faith, hope, love, hell, marital problems, new beginnings
Comments:
You're a survivor and all this was just a bump in the road. It looks like (and I am praying) that the bumps are gone and smooth sailing lies ahead!
Good for you (and your family). Some of the strongest marriages are ones who deal with issues and come out still intact. Saying a prayer for you all.
wow woman you are strong! and wow it hit me hard about becoming a completly different person after marriage and mommyhood! now i miss the old me = ( maybe some of you can rub off on me = ) well good luck with everything and hoping everything goes very well for you!!! thank you for the inspiration!
Heids, it sounds like things are finally turning around. You are an inspiration! Love you, my friend!!
blessings!
(((HUGS))) I'm so glad you're coming through this on the other side. Prayer works and you know we've all been praying for you here! Love and blessings friend!
god, if only i had your outlook on life.... i'm stuck, we;re stuck and are facing the same things you have/are facing!!! i think i need to take myself back too.... good luck to you guys.... god bless!!!
ditto on all of the above! On a personal note, I am now in the position you were all of the sudden (though she is married and 'happy' so it was just a 'friendship' that was hidden, deleted, lied about) HOW do you go forward and NOT know what happened??? I want to call her husband, I want to know, I want to find out. How do you move forward if you have no honesty and closure? Also how do you change your opinion of the man you are with? I honestly think mine has not one bit of integrity, I think he's weak etc. HOW do you do this???
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Damn Heids, I knew alot of the story, but not all. Big Hugs to you!!!! Your joutnal really hit me in the gut about taking the me back...that is something that I need to do too!!! Thankyou for the kick in the teeth that I also need. God bless you Mike and Zoe. May all your dreams come true!!
Hugd~ Cindie