Been here Done this ... God can we just move on.

[maidn]

Now that the divorce is over and all that is left is the settling up I would have thought I would be getting on with it but I find myself stuck I thought When I left him it would be over I thought when I was over the abuse it would be over I thought when I won the divorce it would be over . When will this be over. I have tried so hard to move on. I am better most days but I do still have those days when I feel I will never break free of the pain he caused me and my children , There are days when it feels like the shadows of yesterday will never pass. I see the pain and hurt still in the eyes of my children . I see them make choices damaging to their futures and I know in my heart that I am to blame for staying with their father. I see them stuck in the same cycle of violence in their relationships. How do I forgive my ex husband when I can't forgive myself for staying.
I waited so long to put this behind me . I had so many plans for how and what I would do when it was . Going back to school counseling other survivors , maybe even writing a book on how to move on from trauma. But tonight they seem like nothing but pipe dreams. The lunatic ramblings of a woman past her prime who waisted her life in a bad marriage. I try so hard to think positive , to look for the joy in life. It is even more frustrating for me when I get like this . Regret , anger , and resentment is a dead end road , I know this and yet I want to strangle him and his parents. I want to tell the world what they did to us. I want justice for my children for what has been done I want acknowledgement for the pain I see in their eyes every day.
I am sorry for my rant ladies , as a rule I try to stay positive in these little journal entries. But there are just some days when the pressure and stress of raising 6 children alone get to me too. My frustration with his lies and excuses get to me too. The problem is I am stuck in this rut again. For weeks now I go to sleep and wake up with bitterness in my heart. This is not the mother I want to be , the person or friend. I can no longer deny the rage that I have been covering all this time. It is time to take it out and deal with it.
Thanks for listening.