I miss you Eric, No one knows how badly

[Del672]

I have no clue where to start with this.  I remember so vividly the first time I lay eyes on him and his brother.  We were so shocked to have had twins and not know about it.  Hard to imagine this day and age of ultra sounds and sonograms.  I had an elderly OBGYN as my doctor, and I guess all those years in his profession left him disinterested and arrogant.  He almost cost me my babies lives, but I was never one who could stick to a diet, and odd as this sounds, that inability..or lack of discipline saved us so much more hardships that goes along with very premature babies.  My due date was November 27th, but they came into this world September 10. 

Eighteen years later I would bury one of them 2 days shy of their due date.  I never noticed that for the longest time, as early grief is so profound and perplexing, that it took several weeks for that to come to my attention.  That, and the earrings I wore the day of the funeral.  I saw the earring on my dresser, I dont know what drew my attention..but there it was.  I could still see his hands clearly, as I placed one of those earrings in his left hand.  We could not see his face, for the funeral director covered him with a white velvet sheet from the neck up.  They told us they felt that with our family being so close, that we would benefit later if we chose to view part of him.  I touched him, I touched the top of his head, could feel his curls with my fingertips.  I dont know what made me put the earring in his hand...it was as if he told me to.  Sounds weird I know, but that's the new me now anyway..weird, empty, lonely, miserable, and just existing.  I had the mate to the earring mounted on a silver heart with his name engraved in the middle.  I have never slept without it since.  

People think that in time, you get over your loss, that it fades away just like some memories do.  I believe that it depends on who the person who died is.  I already experienced losing my parents, and that was so hard.  However, losing your child...well there are no words, to describe that agonizing pain and disbelief when it is sudden. It is not the natural cycle...they are supposed bury US!! My son was just going to the coffee shop at the top of our road, and then he was forever gone...last words to him, were "See you in a bit"  God I hate that saying.  It should have been I love you, I cherish you, my life is you, but no..it was 'See you in a bit"

All time moves on.  It stops for nothing and no one.   Losing a child, the grief, and confusion, and nightmare is what stays.  I saw my son on the highway that night, and I still say, the old me stayed up there with him..and another woman came back.  I hate her, because I dont know her.  She is as strange and frightening to me...as this abyss in my heart.  

Time does heal.  Time marches on and the tears dont come at any given time as much as in the beginning, but there are still times..and I suspect there will be till my life is through, that I have days that bring me to my knees.  I have been struggling alot lately.  Nothing in particular triggers it...it just happens, and it stays for as long as it likes, because that is the cross a mother of loss bears.

It is so hard and complicated that he left behind his identical twin brother Christopher.  Sometimes when he makes certain facial expressions...or says something a certain way...I am looking at Eric.  No one knows the pain of that.  To some, it might appear that would be a comfort, but it isn't, because it taunts you to your very core.

One night he came to me in a dream, and he kissed my cheek.  When I woke up, I could still feel the moisture from that kiss .... that is how I know he is still here.  Makes me frustrated to think that he may see me crying, or maybe he sees that I have no lustre in my eyes, that all the things that once mattered to me...no longer matter.

I wonder how long a parent feels like this?  Forever?  I wonder if he sees Christopher's tattoo...it is Eric's initials in half a broken heart. He says Eric has the other half.  Everytime I see that tattoo, I feel another crack forming in my already broken heart.

I hope someday, I can truly enjoy the rest of my life the way I am supposed to.  I mean, I still have 4 sons, but Eric is gone, and I'm here. 

[Lb128f]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 12:54 AM

I'm so sorry...losing anyone we love is difficult....losing a child especially hard. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time...I do think that the passing of time helps some...not that you ever forget...that could never happen -- but, that the "sting" of the loss diminishes some. Still, it's such a tragic loss. I know Eric knows that you loved him always...and will always. And, I know too that he would want you to be present and fully involved with raising the children who are here...don't lose the time you have with your children who are still with you...you can never get that back. They need you as much as Eric needs you to be with them. Saying a prayer for you....hoping you find some peace.

[musicgirl77]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 7:10 AM

Diane, I'm in a puddle just reading this.  I cannot imagine your pain and have no words to help.  Just know you have alot of people that love you very much!!

[poli_sci_mom]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 9:08 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your sons.

I cannot really give you a hug, but my arms are tightly wrapped around your neck. The hug is there for whenever you need it.

 

[cjcharlie1959]

Jul. 21, 2009 at 11:28 AM

I am so sorry for your loss~I was looking through your pictures.  I see Christopher but none of Eric.